Baby On Board:Can Your Relationship Survive a Baby? Things to Consider Before You Get Pregnant!
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When you’re all giddy and in love, it’s easy to want to add to that happiness by contemplating having a baby. Some couples revel in the idea of starting a family with the person they love, without necessarily thinking about how that little bundle of joy can take a toll on even the strongest relationships. Whether you’ve been in a long-term relationship, newly married or even casually dating, it’s wise to think about how a baby – planned or unplanned – might affect your relationship. Before you know it, the honeymoon stage could crash and burn before your very eyes if you haven’t thought this through. So before you stop taking the pill or tossing those condoms, consider these ways having a baby prematurely could adversely affect your relationship.
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1. Finances
They say one of the main things couples fight over is money, so if you are already at odds over finances then adding a baby to the mix will only make it worse. Before you probably fought over who spent more money on electronics or clothes, but now you’ll have to curb that appetite for new clothes and frivolity for diapers and daycare. Babies cost money. A lot of it…so if you’re already living paycheck to paycheck or lavishing yourselves with expensive vacations and material things, all of that will come to a head once a baby enters the picture. If you can’t afford to take care of yourselves, a baby will be a financial strain that will eventually turn into a strain on the relationship. If you’re thinking of having a baby, sit down a make a pre-baby budget that includes the cost of daycare, insurance policies, diapers, medical costs, etc. Also, take a look at what you’re already spending your money on and see where you can cut corners. If one of you is a saver an the other is a spender, talk about your views on money management and see if you can both learn to be more fiscally responsible. You may discover that your spending habits and attitudes towards money are so different that having a baby now – or later – may be out of the question until you both get on the same page.
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2. Work/Careers
If you work so much that you barely see your partner, having a baby might not be a good idea. One parent working 80 hour work weeks means one of you will bear the brunt of the child rearing responsibilities…which may leave the one stuck at home with the baby feeling a bit resentful. Also, if the woman wants to stay at home with the baby but she’s the breadwinner, she’ll probably have to go back to work sooner than she would like. While some women are cool with that, others may also feel resentful that their partner or husband is bonding with the baby more than she is, which could cause some tension. Talk to each other about how you’ll manage work with the baby, who will pick the baby up from daycare if no parent can stay home or getting a live-in nanny to help if you both have demanding careers. If slowing down your fast tracked career isn’t an option for you, then perhaps your job is more important than starting a family…at least for right now. Or if your job is unstable and you need more time on the job before you can get benefits, finish training or take maternity leave, you might want to wait until you’re more secure in your position before taking on the added responsibility of having a baby.
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3. Chores
Once you have a little person in the house, it’ll get more difficult to find time to do little things around the house that need to be tended to like cooking, dishes, laundry, etc. This is where the division of chores becomes critical so that you don’t live in a dump and one person gets angry at the other because they’re not cleaning the bathroom while the other is feeding the baby. A woman may feel like she doesn’t need to do ANYTHING other than taking care of the baby, especially if she’s breastfeeding. If the partner doesn’t help with dirty diapers, feedings or anything else that has to do with nurturing the baby, then a woman might expect that he take care of the house. But if your partner has never taken care of the house before, he’s going to be completely lost. This is where the conflict comes in, so it’s best to discuss who will do what in the event that you have a baby. If he doesn’t cook, ask friends to make meals that you can freeze until you feel up to cooking or you can cook while he feeds the baby. As for cleaning the house, consider getting a cleaning service or housekeeper to come in a couple of times a week or a month to help tidy up a bit. Discuss with him the type of help you’d like to have. Instead of saying, “I’m going to need your help,” consider saying “I want you to wash clothes, dishes and the bathroom while I feed the baby, cook and feed the cats.” Pick specific days of the week to do chores and write them down on a board or on the fridge where you both can see them and remember who does what. This way there is nothing to argue about – everyone already knows their role.
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4. Parenting Styles
One things most people don’t discuss before marriage, especially if this is a first child for both of you, is parenting styles. If one of you already has children, you probably already know what type of parent your partner will be. But if this is new for both of you, you might run into some trouble if your partner believes in giving “whoopings” while you believe in “time-outs.” Parents have to agree on core values, which could include religion, discipline, manners, etc., so if this is something you two have never discussed before, now is the time. You also have to agree on little things, like allowing the baby to sleep in your bed or picking up the baby every time he cries while the other thinks that’s spoiling the baby. Of course, some of this will have to be things you discover as you go along, but as far as how you both feel the other should parent in general, this is something to discuss now, not when Jr. is screaming in the middle of the night or needs to be disciplined down the line.
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5. Traveling
If you both love to just drop everything and go, you can expect that to stop once baby comes. I know that seems obvious and most couples would understand that beforehand, but you’d be surprised how many people don’t understand how life-changing an event like having a baby. In fact, they expect there lives to stay the same. In some cases, that may be true, especially if you have unlimited resources or your last name is Kardashian. But if you haven’t gotten all of your desires to run with the bulls in Spain or skydive in Morocco out of the way, do it all now so that you don’t feel like you’re missing out once the baby comes. Again, if you have people to watch your child or have no qualms with taking baby along on your excursions, that’s great! But if your finances only allow for a baby or a vacation, you’ll have a decision! But don’t fret: once the baby comes, just take long weekend vacations so you don’t lose your mind!
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6. Sex
Ah…sex. You were probably wondering when I’d get to that, especially if that’s a very important part of your relationship. For most couples, especially newlyweds or those still in the “honeymoon” stage of the relationship, sex is probably still hot like fire! If you can’t get enough of each other now, that will probably come to a screeching halt once you have a baby. It might even slow down during your pregnancy. After all, not all women are hot and bothered during pregnancy, so it change your sex habits dramatically…and it may only get worse once the baby is actually here. Sleep deprivation may have an effect on your libido, so if you’re taking care of a baby 24/7, the last thing you may want is your husband all up on you after you’ve been peed and vomited on all day. He may even be tired after working all day and then being up all night with a crying baby. And if you both don’t get enough sleep, the last thing you may want to do with ANY free time is have sex. This can cause you to feel disconnected from your partner, and cranky and argumentative too – so talk to your partner about “planning” sex. I know that doesn’t sound hot, spontaneous or exciting, but it’s definitely necessary. Find a sitter, go to a hotel and get busy…at least once a month. Trust me, you’ll feel better and stay connected to your partner in the process.
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7. No More “Us” Time
Sex isn’t the only way you stay connected to your partner – sometimes you just want to sit and talk or go out and have fun. If you two are always on the go with each other and joined at the hip, you might feel some kind of way if you’re both stuck in the house with the baby all the time just taking care of the baby. Sure, doing things like bathing the baby or feeding him together can create a stronger bond, but it’s also important to do things together that DON’T involve the baby. Having a baby is a wonderful, life altering event that has it’s highs as well as its lows, so it’ll be crucial to your relationship to check in with the other person to make sure he or she isn’t feeling overwhelmed, under-appreciated or simply out of sorts. Just like you should plan nights for sex, plan date nights as well. Once a week, once a month, whatever works for you both – and it doesn’t have to be expensive or extravagant. Leave the baby with a trusted relative, friend, sitter, whatever, and get out of the house and enjoy each other. If you’re not done loving each other up and you treasure your alone time with your man, put off having kids until you feel you and your partner are willing to share that time with a little one.
- Terrence Howard Bashed For Rejecting Marvin Gaye Biopic Over Gay Kiss Scene
- Wowzer! 10 Sex Games To Build Trust And Intimacy With Your Partner
- Here’s Why You Should Never Pee In The Shower, According To Health Experts
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- Diddy’s Defense Admits Violence But Denies Sex Trafficking In Opening Statements
8. No More “Me” Time
If you and your partner have a very free relationship where neither of you is up under the other because you have separate interests or like spending time out with friends, then you both should discuss how you’ll divide parenting time so that you’re both free to “do you” once the baby comes. If you go out on “girls’ nights” once a week and he hangs with the fellas on the weekends, then it only stands to reason that behavior will stop once baby gets here. If you feel like you haven’t gotten the “turn up” out of your system, keep the contraception coming. Even if you’re not a party animal, but like to sleep in on weekends or spend your nights watching TV or engaged in some sort of hobby or activity that fulfills you and keeps you busy, consider how much time you’ll have to do the things you like once you have a baby. Everyone values their “me” time and if you have an equally independent partner, it’ll be important to figure out which activities are most important and which ones you’ll need to let go. You might even find new activities like just sitting somewhere quietly so you can clear your mind! Switch it up so you can both have that free time. You may find that absence makes the heart grow fonder and you’ll be re-charged to take on mommy-duty once you’ve had a chance to connect with yourself.
- Terrence Howard Bashed For Rejecting Marvin Gaye Biopic Over Gay Kiss Scene
- Wowzer! 10 Sex Games To Build Trust And Intimacy With Your Partner
- Here’s Why You Should Never Pee In The Shower, According To Health Experts
- Love Or Liability? How Romantic Relationships Really Impact Your Wallet
- Diddy’s Defense Admits Violence But Denies Sex Trafficking In Opening Statements
9. Appreciating Your Partner
If you’re not in the habit of saying “please” and “thank you” or other sweet things to your partner, start now because you’ll need to pour on the sweetness once you have a baby. Co-parenting involves a lot of give and take, and you’ll both need to rely on the other if you’re going to get through the initial rough stages together. Having a baby can be a joyous event, especially if you want and plan for it. But that doesn’t mean that it’ll be all lollipops and gumdrop rainbows. With all the challenges that come with a baby, you’ll need each other more than ever, so make sure to let your partner know now how much you love and appreciate him and how awesome he’ll be as a father. This will only encourage him to want to do more, help more, and be more for you and the baby. If he already feels like Superman before the baby arrives, imagine how wonderful he’ll be when it’s time to change those poopy diapers!
- Terrence Howard Bashed For Rejecting Marvin Gaye Biopic Over Gay Kiss Scene
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- Here’s Why You Should Never Pee In The Shower, According To Health Experts
- Love Or Liability? How Romantic Relationships Really Impact Your Wallet
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