Breaking Up When You Live Together — How To Move Out Right
Couple yelling at each other. (via Getty)
Breaking up is hard enough without being put out of house and home. And if you did live with your man, odds are you thought you’d marry one day or at least be together for a long time: so this is no mild heartbreak. Every step of the move out during the breakup is delicate, and a misstep will make things much harder. So follow these guidelines.
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Shot of a young couple having relationship problems at home. (via Getty)
A word of advice: don’t stay together because of the home
First and foremost, it may be worth it to remind you (in case you are having second thoughts) that sticking with the wrong person is not worth it, just to avoid the trouble of moving out and finding a new place. Not even for the most amazing apartment/house/boathouse in the world. The entire breakup/moving out process could be over and done with in two months, and you could be free to find the right guy. It would be a tough two months, but that’s it—compared to a lifetime with the wrong person.
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Gettyimages.com/Couples at a counseling session waiting for the counselor
Consider the move when you consider the breakup
If you know you’re in the wrong relationship and need to breakup, don’t tell yourself, “Oh, we’ll think about who gets the apartment and all that after the breakup.” You might think you have too much on your mind now, but the real pain, confusion and emotional exhaustion will come after you break the news to the guy. At least acknowledge the housing-related issues that will have to be addressed. You don’t need any surprises during a breakup.
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African couple having relationship problems, Cape Town, South Africa. (via Getty)
Give your partner time to think
You’re not going to make all the moving-out decisions in one week, let alone one hour. After having the breakup talk, drop in the inevitable, “And we need to talk about the apartment…” line. But, leave it at that. Tell your partner he can take time to think. Offer to stay at a friend’s for the night so he has space to process emotions and make room for logical thought.
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Upset Couple. (via Getty)
It doesn’t matter what kind of boyfriend he was
What kind of boyfriend he is/was has no bearing on who gets the apartment/the TV/the dog/the Netflix subscription. These decisions are hard enough with emotions left out. And unfortunately, if you did land in court, “But he cheated on me…!” does not give the judge sufficient reason to judge in your favor.
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Getty
But seriously, don’t keep the apartment
It will just depress you to sit at the kitchen table you two used to sit at together, and relax on the patio where you two used to have wine after work, and shower in the shower you two used to have sex in. And think about this: when you want to live with a new boyfriend in the future, he won’t be cool with moving into the place you used to share with your ex. Moving out is inevitable.
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Gettyimages.com/Smiling friends enjoying breakfast at kitchen table
Stay with a friend!
It doesn’t matter if you can’t afford to move right now: find a friend you can crash with, even if it means paying them a little to sleep on their couch. Go back to your parents if they’re close. But do not co-habitat with your ex for practical reasons. You’ll both be in hell. Or, worse, you’ll get back together.
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Gettyimages.com/Woman trying to fit all clothing to packing her red suitcase before vacation
Set a move out date
One of the basic laws of life is if you tell yourself something has to be done by a certain time you’ll get it done. But having some vague, flexible date in the air means you’ll take all the time in the world. Set a date so things don’t drag on and so you’re forced to prioritize this move.
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Young woman consoling her friend. (via Getty)
Have a breakup buddy
More than ever, you need emotional support from friends. Having a friend just stand in the room while you and your ex move your belongings out helps keep things civil, and reminds you that you aren’t completely alone when this process is over.
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Gettyimages.com/Courier delivering goods to woman in stylish apartment
Don’t move into the upstairs unit
You’d be amazed how many couples do this! The landlord already knows them and has their credit score, it’s so close so moving is easy, plus they already like the building and already know they can afford it. But all the same issues that come with living with your ex also come with being his neighbor. Let that building go.
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Gettyimages.com
If you can, move at separate times
Trying to pack and carry boxes with your ex standing in the room will take five times as long. It just will. Between potential arguments, to dwelling on the past, to getting into crying fits, to the simple emotional weight of having him nearby, you’ll drag the moving process out way longer than necessary. Pick hours or days that are yours, and his, for move out and stick to them.
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Gettyimages.com/Young woman making bed at home. She is in pajamas. Doing her morning routine.
Get a new bed
Do yourself a favor; don’t take the bed. Even if it’s amazing and expensive and you sleep like a baby in it, it carries way too many memories, will always smell a little like him, and will be really weird for future boyfriends to sleep in.
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Gettyimages.com/confused
Keep a level perspective
If you’re fighting over who gets which DVD’s, you’re in bad shape: there are much larger decisions to be made. Any time you’re going to decide who gets what, visualize—really visualize—your life without that thing. Will you even notice it’s gone in a month? Will your bank account even notice if you have to buy a new one? No. Then maybe let it go…
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Gettyimages.com/Mixed race woman opening apartment door
Pay attention to his negatives
If he is being stubborn, difficult, selfish, self-centered, impractical—you name it—instead of losing your head and your temper, smile: you don’t have to deal with those traits any longer.
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Unhappy woman on a vacation staring into the distance. (via Getty)
Remember, you’re doing this in the name of your happiness
When the going gets tough, just remember you’re doing this all in the name of your happiness! Be proud of yourself for being willing to make tough decisions, and handle tough transitions, in pursuit of your ultimate happiness. Picture being free, and happy with someone new in the future. It will get you through.
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