My Mom Is In My Business! How To Deal With An Overbearing Mother

I love my mother. I really do. But sometimes, I have to remind her that I’m a grown woman who lives independently. I know most mothers have the best intentions when it comes to offering advice; however, there is a fine line between giving advice and meddling in your business. As a parent, her job has always been to nurture and guide you, so it may be hard for her to avoid scrutinizing every decision you make. I know it can be nerve racking, but there is a way to manage a mother who can’t stop telling you how to live your life. It could be as simple as putting your big girl panties on and standing up for yourself. Not sure how to deal? Here are some tips on how to deal with an overbearing mother.

1. Try to Understand Why She’s Overbearing

It’s easy to react in situations where you feel you’re being judged, nagged or scrutinized. But perhaps it would help if you tried to figure out why your mother is the way she is. Is/was her mother like that? If so, it makes complete sense your mother turned out the way she did. Is she really controlling or just super protective of you? Sometimes, we perceive her advice as criticism or her concern as nagging when really all she’s trying to do is help. Once you figure out where her meddling nature comes from, maybe you’ll be able to handle it better.

2. Talk to Her About Her Behavior

This may seem like an obvious solution, but you’d be surprised how many adult children have a hard time talking to their parents. But if you are getting to the point where your mother’s overbearing ways are becoming unbearable and it’s causing a rift between you, then it’s time to sit her down and have a talk. This doesn’t mean calling your mom up and cussing her out. You must always be respectful, even if you feel your mother is being disrespectful of you – and hopefully, you’ll have a talk with her before you reach your boiling point. In a calm, neutral setting, talk to her about actions or behaviors that you find offensive or controlling. It could be that she never considered your point of view and maybe one talking to will be all that’s needed for her to back off once she knows how you feel.

3. Set Boundaries

While you have her ear, establish boundaries immediately and lay them out for her. If, for example, she always has something to say about who you date, decide that your love life is off limits and don’t share any of the details with your her –  no matter how much in love you are. It’s only natural that she’ll continue to be nosy and ask, but it’s up to you to remind her when she invades the boundaries you’ve set. I know it’s hard for some women not to share with their mothers, but the only way she’s going to learn is if you set boundaries and stick to them.

4. Change the Subject

If your mom can’t help herself when it comes to certain topics, try to steer clear of subjects that she always seems to have an opinion about. There is nothing wrong with saying “I love you, but I’d like to talk about something else.” She should respect that and if she doesn’t, change the subject anyway. Simply thank your mother for her advice or suggestions on how to live your life, then move on to a different conversation. Hopefully, she won’t feel like she’s being ignored or dismissed and she’ll fall back when she gets the urge to meddle again.

5. Write Her a Letter

If speaking with your mother face to face has you feeling a bit on edge, then consider writing your mother a letter detailing how you’d like your relationship to change or evolve. Tell her that while you love her and want her to be in your life, you feel that her nagging, judging or criticizing you is causing a distance between you two and you want her behavior to stop for the sake of your relationship. If you confront her in person with your feelings, she may become defensive and not really hear what you’re saying. But if she has a chance to read your words, process them and digest how her actions may be hurting you, it may be easier for her to understand where you’re coming from and check herself accordingly.

6. Ask Others For Help

Chances are, if you have a meddling mother, she meddles in other people’s business too…and drives other people crazy as well. Ask your dad to have a talk with her since he may see firsthand how she’s always up in your business. Part of the reason why she may still be overprotective of you is because she still views you as a child. If your father, aunt, uncle, grandparent or some other adult who she may consider her “equal” approaches her on your behalf, they may be able to better help her understand the error of her ways. This way, you can get your point across without fear of appearing disrespectful or ungrateful.

7. Boost Your Self Confidence

Another reason your mother may feel the need to intervene all the time is because you seem unsure of yourself and the decisions you make. If she thinks you’re wishy-washy, indecisive, insecure or unstable in your life, she may feel the need to keep you on course. Be honest with yourself: is her advice helpful and you just can’t bring yourself to admit that she’s right or is she truly off-base? You may need to do a better job at projecting your independence and taking responsibility for the decisions you make. Even if you do makes mistakes from time to time, assure her that the only way you can grow is to make your own decisions and learn from any missteps. She’ll see that you’re a responsible adult who may not need her to guide your every move. Seek your own approval instead of hers and you may find that she’ll be less controlling.

8. Screen Your Calls

I know this may seem extreme, but it may be best to talk to her when YOU’RE ready and can keep the conversation short and sweet. Everyone has caller ID now, so if you know she’s calling to give you unsolicited advice or to give you an earful about something you’ve done that she doesn’t approve of, then simply ignore the call until you’re ready to talk to her or can control the conversation. If she leaves a message, you can check it to see why she’s calling. This way, if she’s calling to just say hi or for some other non-urgent reason, then by all means call her back. But if she’s in a “mood” or goes into her overbearing ways on the message, you know to wait a day or two to call her back. Just make sure you DO call her back, because nothing irks a controlling mother more than feeling neglected. You could setting yourself up for more nagging if you don’t return her call promptly – just do it at a time that works for you.

9. Appreciate Her

Sure, she may get under your skin, but some people would kill to have a mother who cares enough to call you morning, noon and night to talk to you and offer to “help.” It can be annoying, but consider that your mother will not always be around to give you advice. If you know in your heart that she’s only looking out for your best interest at heart, then cut her some slack and be grateful to have a mother who loves you enough to want to be a part of your life.

10. Don’t Feel Guilty

While you should appreciate that your mother loves you, don’t feel guilty for setting boundaries and making her adhere to them. Some overbearing mothers try to lay a guilt trip on their children so that they allow her to continue controlling them.  Don’t fall for it. Tell her that she raised you well enough to make your own decisions and that she should be proud of the job she’s done. No one, not even your mother, should make you feel guilty for living your own life.