A Year Later: Why Dating A Man In An Open Marriage Didn’t Work

I was in need of a man. A king. Someone who would guide me, lead me, allow my guards to be let down, someone who would allow me to feel secure and safe, allow me to be loved on and cherished. A man who was completely honest with me. A man whose words I could take as truth. A man who I was proud of not only by his words, but by his actions. His actions were always so different from his words, it was like night and day. He consistently claimed to be this all-knowing, all-loving, caring, compassionate, sensitive soul. And he was, but only when it was in regards to him. I was giving and he was selfish. I was sensitive and he was insensitive. I was compassionate. He was inhumane. I would express myself. He would tell me my feelings were burdensome. I would tell him what hurt me or what bothered me. He would tell me I can only allow myself to be hurt. It wasn’t about me. Ever. It was about him, what he wanted, what pleased him, and what “resonated” with his spirit. He talked it all, as if it were his daily life. But he lived it only in bits and pieces. He lived it when it benefited and favoured him. I was footing the bill for all the trips, all the hotels, all the expenses, even when his daughter came out with him on a visit. My pocketbook was being drained and my energy was being drained, all while hoping for the best.

Don’t get me wrong. I have many great memories. He was extremely affectionate which was something I was also in need of, and I enjoyed every moment of it. But the man who I had fallen for– the one who laughed and told corny jokes and danced around in the nude and got excited about the most “nerd-like” things and enjoyed life—seemed to be the person he was trying to run away from. He wanted to be this ‘sex god’ to women. He wanted to be in demand. I fell in love with his true self. He was in love with his ‘Visionary’ self; who he was trying to become. Social networking allowed him (and also his wife) to re-create himself into that person, to the point where he started to believe the things he actually wrote. Even if they were totally false. Because my feelings were so caught up in him though, I believe he took advantage of them. I believe he knew it would take a lot for me to walk away from him and he used that to his benefit. And it did take a long time. The last straw was another broken word. A man’s word is bond and his word meant nothing at all.

I understand love. I understand you are to allow the person to be himself or herself and do them and you either accept or you move on. And I allowed and accepted a lot. But every now and then, in any type of relationship, there is compromise. There is understanding. And it was at that point, I began to question whether this was about love or his private part or money. I believe I will always wonder if he did love me or if he was there just for the benefits he received from dating me.

Let me make this very clear. Being a girlfriend to a man in an open marriage can work. I’ve seen it happen. I’ve spoken with many couples… Ok, a few couples, who are beautifully happy in their open relationships, whether married or dating. But I do believe it all depends on who you are relating with, just as it would in a monogamous relationship. There is a part of me, however, that believes, if you are openly married, you should only date other openly married people. Every female eventually wants to become a Primary Partner unless she just wants to sleep around. You cannot be with someone who is not honest with you. You cannot be with someone who has no discretion. You cannot be with someone who is more focused on adding marks to his headboard than adding love to your heart. You cannot be with someone who is selfish. It is hard enough to work through monogamous relationships. But in open relating, if there are revolving doors, mistrust and ego, there will always be more problems.

I do believe if I had begun living this lifestyle with someone other than the so-called king of open relating himself, I would not be this disillusioned by it. I know the readers will still look at me as a side piece. In all honesty, there were many times when I felt just like that. Today, I don’t know what I was to him. I feel as if I was just a number.  I feel if I didn’t do for him, I wouldn’t even have been in his life. Everything for him had to have a benefit.  And in a more grounded open relationship, I believe I would have felt more honored. I believe my feelings would have mattered more. I believe there would have been a stronger sense of unity between the women and him; more communication between the women especially. It amazed me and saddened me at the same that his wife never reached out to me, when she knew I was struggling with the lifestyle, when she knew we were arguing, when she claimed to be building a community. I believe there would have been more concern for me as a woman, versus concern about him, as a selfish man needing to be worshipped, taken care of and laid.

I wanted this relationship to work. I wanted it to last. I had so much hope and belief in it and it saddens me to see it for what it was. I walked away from this relationship. I chose to be done. Up until recently, he was asking me to visit him while he’s living with his wife and another lover. I’m not bitter. I’m hurt. At times, I’m even angry. But I’m choosing happiness for me right now. He obviously has his happiness…or at least that’s what he fakes to have because deep down, I don’t think he’s happy with his life or himself.

Down the road, if the right person came along, I don’t know if I would do open relating again. I believe I would probably fit into more of a poly relationship where there is some form of commitment and boundaries between the partners versus open freaking for everyone. In this open relationship, I did not care for the constant need for change and variety. There was no relationship building going on with most of the women, it was just sexual encounters being used as “healing.” I did not like the lack of commitment or lack of self-control or lack of consideration for the other person.  This relationship was everything open relating was NOT supposed to be. It went against everything he taught.

All relationship lifestyles work. It just depends on the people you are working with. The next relationship, I will focus on who he is versus my fantasy of him. Women sometimes, have this idea, that we can create a man into what we want him to be while he’s standing right in front of us, showing us who he really is. Knowing good and well, he won’t change. I will not allow my fantasy of a man to block my reality anymore. I will focus on his actions being in alignment with his words. I will focus on whether he has self-love or whether he is just selfish.  And if those details are in place, then I will move forward. Until then, Single. Loving. Open-minded.