Third- Party Action: The Benefits of Couples Counseling Before Saying “I Do”
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Couples counseling is usually something people consider AFTER they’re married and hit a snag in the relationship. After all, for some, seeking the help of a therapist before you walk down the aisle is a bit premature and even silly. But getting couples counseling can have its benefits at various stages of any relationship and it doesn’t always mean there’s trouble in paradise. Sometimes couples can even enjoy a counseling session or two because it helps them connect on a deeper level. Not sure if couples counseling is something you and your partner can benefit from? Here are some “pros” to getting the guidance and tools you need to succeed in your relationship.
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1. Determine if You Are Compatible
Sometimes folks can fall in love before they even discover if they’re compatible. It may be chemical, it may be lust, or sheer infatuation, but a lot of times people can find themselves in relationships with people they have nothing in common with. This isn’t to say that opposites can’t attract and have successful relationships; but most times, if you don’t share core values, the relationship will quickly deteriorate. A therapist can help you determine if you both are on the same page when it comes to topics or issues that are near and dear to both of you. If one of you is deeply religious, for example, while the other is an atheist, a counselor can help you both determine if that will be a deal breaker or something you both can respect about each other and move forward. Once the allure of the “in love” feeling wears off and reality sets in, you have to really “like” each other in order for your relationship to last, so compatibility is key.
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2. Determine Your Plans For the Future
Once you’ve determined that you like the same things (and each other), now you need to determine if you want the same things for the future. Just because you get along doesn’t mean you have the same five year plan as your partner; a therapist can help you both see if your plans are in alignment. Sure, you both like children, but do you both want to have them and raise them? If so, will religion play a factor? Do you both want to get married one day? Live in a different city? These are all things that you both should be on the same page with if you plan on having a long term relationship. If one of you has a different idea for your joint futures, then discovering this in counseling early on can help you figure out a plan that works for both of you or help you decide if this is the right relationship for you.
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3. Learning to Fight Fair
It goes without saying that most people will have a spat or two with their partner at some point, especially if you’ve been together for a long time. When two people are passionate – or stubborn – it may be hard to get your point across or to listen to what the other person has to say. Discussing your disagreements with a therapist may help you both control an argument so that it doesn’t escalate too far. A counselor could also offer tools on how to fight fair, which means learning a better way to communicate so that one isn’t talking over the other and both parties feel like they’re being heard and both parties feel validated.
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4. Learning From Past Relationships
If you haven’t healed completely from a past hurt or heartache, chances are you’ve probably carried a lot of baggage into your current relationship. Your partner may know little details here and there but he doesn’t fully understand how deep it goes. By discussing your trust issues with a therapist, you put your issues in perspective and he or she can offer you suggestions on how to move past them so that they don’t sabotage your current relationship. You may even discover in counseling that you’re not yet ready to be in another serious relationship until you are truly healed from all your insecurities or pain. Be prepared to accept that your past may still be haunting you, but counseling can help you get out of the past so that you can enjoy the present and hope for a loving future.
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5. Develop Emotional Intimacy, Not Just Physical
It’s easy to fall in “lust” and think you’re in love, especially if the sex is good. But if your relationship seems to revolve solely around sex, then seeking counseling can help you determine if there is any real substance to your relationship. You and your partner should be friends as well as lovers – teammates who form a partnership that is centered around shared goals and values, not just sex. If you’re feeling disconnected emotionally, counseling may be able to get to the root of the problem and bring you two back together.
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6. Resolve Lingering Issues/Disagreements
Some couples fight about the same things over and over again, which means they’re not truly addressing the issue at hand, or simply can’t agree to disagree. A counselor who serves as an objective third party may be able to help you resolve problems or conflict because they have no vested interest in either one of you. He or she may also be able to get to the root of what’s really going on, because most times what we’re arguing about and what we’re upset or angry about are two totally different things. A therapist can help you stay on the subject and get to the bottom of your issues once and for all so that you’re recurring argument can finally be put to bed.
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7. Learn to Anticipate Challenges
All relationships will encounter challenges, so learning to anticipate scenarios that can or will cause conflict in the relationship is key in overcoming those challenges when they arise – or in keeping them from rearing their ugly heads at all. For example, if you know that a potential new job will require you to travel, but you know you want to start a family soon, this is something you can discuss with your partner proactively so that you can come to an agreement on you guys’ next move. Having a strong relationship requires work, which means you can’t passively sit back and wait for situations to creep up that could negatively affect your relationship. You have to take ownership of your partnership and a counselor can help you learn how to keep your relationship alive.
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8. Appreciating Your Partner
If you’ve been in a long term relationship, it’s easy to fall into a routine that could leave you and/or your partner feeling you’re being taken for granted or under appreciated. It may not be intentional, but the daily demands of life can make it so you don’t have time to show your love and appreciation like you used to. Couples counseling can make your bond stronger by showing your partner that you care enough about the relationship to give it a boost and to show him that you truly do value him and all that he does for you, and vice versa. Most people just want to feel needed and validated, so if your relationship is getting a bit stale or you feel that your partner doesn’t value you the same way that he or she used to, bringing it up in counseling may be all the fire you need to rekindle the flame.
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9. Fall in Love Again
Sometimes couples have been together so long that they forget what it was like in the very beginning. You know, the flowers, the romance, the butterflies in your stomach that drove you crazy with anticipation when you were planning to see each other. But when the honeymoon stage wears off and reality sets in, you may need help remembering why you fell in love in the first place. That’s not to suggest that you have fallen out of love, you may just need a relationship “pick-me-up” so that you can back to loving and feeling loved all over again. Sometimes, celebrating your love by getting a “tune-up” is a great way to get back that loving feeling. Appreciate the fact that you work at your relationship and relish in the union you’ve created. If you’ve been doing a great job at managing your relationship, counseling is a good way to give yourselves a pat on the back for a job well done.
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