Stay tuned for more topics, comment or write us at editors@madamenoire.com if you have suggestions!
What is the measure of a Black woman? How do we define ourselves? What is the makeup of our femininity?
Black women come from a history few other groups of women could even imagine. Years of enslavement, belittlement and defamation have molded Black women into the people we are today—a group of strong, independent women at the forefront of our community. We have and continue to excel academically and professionally, using education and ambition to overcome the disadvantages of being a minority and woman. Evaluating our oppressive history and where we are today, one could say (in comparison to other women) we are 20 years ahead.
Or, are we really a few years behind…?
Just as there are problems with the state of Black masculinity, there are also issues with femininity. A strong woman has the ability to take on the challenges of life without fear or hesitation, thoroughly confident in her gifts, talents and fortitude. An independent woman is self-sufficient and comfortable on her own. When balanced, both are qualities to be admired. Unfortunately, to overcompensate for where we feel (or personally experienced) Black masculinity lacks, our sense of femininity has become a testosterone-driven and slightly softer form of masculinity. As single mothers and the offspring of single-parented homes, we have acquired the traits of more traditional male gender roles. While there is nothing wrong with being a modern women, we do need to be careful that is does not too closely resemble behaving like a man.
In speaking with a group of Black men ages 26-30, all of who prefer Black women but also date outside of their race, the unanimous complaint about Black women was misguided independence. Many of them felt that overblown emphasis on strength and independence was unattractive in the sense that they act too much like men, which does not work for the man who is actually trying to be the man in the relationship. While a dominant demeanor has proven effective in higher education and the workplace, it does not translate well into romantic relationships.
Our lives as Black women are very different from those of Whites, Asians, Latinas, etc. Thus, our basis for femininity is destined to be different also. Nonetheless, we have to find the balance to be strong yet (in the non-head bowing or walk five steps behind him, Biblical sense) submissive and independent but vulnerable. Too strong is abrasive and too independent is cold. Neither are desirable qualities in a woman nor do they embody the gentleness and delicacy as defined by femininity.
It’s OK to let our guards down. We don’t always have to be so “strong.” It’s OK to allow (and expect) a chivalrous man to do things for you, even if you are fully capable of doing them yourself. It is not our responsibility to make up for where men lack. We don’t need to run the men in our relationships.
Oppression has caused us to become callous creatures, misappropriating strength and independence as defense mechanisms. It’s hard to be a good teammate (or partner) if the lady in you is hidden behind a protective shell. We are physically and innately different from men, something to be embraced. The world often sees the straight-faced, attitude-wearing Black woman with a chip on her shoulder, shaped by past circumstances rather than current stature; but, we are just as happy, friendly, kind and gentle as any other group of women and it is time we allowed that femininity to show. It would not only improve our relationships with Black men but also offset demonizing perceptions.
We may be 20 years ahead in vigor and perseverance, but we have some catching up to do with the basics of femininity.
![Why Actress Amber Iman Calls 'Goddess' A Love Letter To Black Women In Theater [Exclusive]](https://ionemadamenoire.staging.go.ione.nyc/wp-content/uploads/sites/9/2025/05/17468188616796.png?strip=all&quality=80&w=102&crop=0,0,100,153px)
