Source: WENN
When it comes to single mothers dating, a couple of questions always come up if her child’s father is an active presence in her kid’s life: Should your child’s father meet your new man and how much weight should his opinion of the guy you’re dating hold as far as influencing whether you decide to move forward with him and, of course, when is the right time to introduce each other?
For starters, there is no “right time” to introduce your current boyfriend to your baby daddy, but some situations are unavoidable. The holidays are a good example; I’m sure many of you navigated the awkward conversations that ensued as children exchanged hands and homes in an attempt to honor the holiday spirit with some form of tensely negotiated civility. Still, holidays or regular days, introducing your current beau to your old beau is always complicated. It’s only further complicated when there is a child involved. But there are a few considerations you can follow to make this already awkward situation slightly less awkward.
Be Honest About the Status of Your Relationship with Your Baby Daddy
In theory, your baby daddy should have little to no influence over any of your future relationships, but in the real world, Isht happens. First and foremost, it’s important that you and your current boyfriend are on the same page. I’m not saying you have to unite as one force as if you’re calling on Captain Planet to defeat the toxicity of your prior relationship. I am saying that you and your new man need to have an honest discussion about what you both deem as important for the child, the influence you believe your child’s father should have on the current relationship (if any), and if it’s important to you that in the everlasting words of Rodney King, “we all get along.”
It’s equally important that you’re honest about the overall status of your relationship with your ex. This includes being honest with your current boyfriend and with yourself. If you’re still in love with your baby daddy, have feelings for your baby daddy, or you’re only bidding your time with your new man until your baby daddy decides that he wants to take you back, these are all things that should be communicated.
I’ve been in situations where I only realized afterwards that I was merely a pawn in a much more complicated ex-relationship chess match. Some women use the men they date subsequent to their baby daddy only to make him jealous, which is fine, as long as the new man is aware of his role. Some men are perfectly fine with being the side-man. Like side-women, most men are generally content with the status of the relationship as long as they know the role they are expected to play. What’s not fair is to pretend like you’re building a legitimate and “moving on” when you know damn well your heart (and other organs) still belong to your baby daddy. If the new relationship is nothing more than a complicated charades game to get your ex to start caring about you again, just be honest with yourself and your new man. It’ll save everyone a lot of headaches and heartaches.
On the other hand, let’s say you’re over your ex but your ex isn’t over you. This is also important information to share with any new man in your life. I know dealing with kids and emotions complicates things but somebody has to be the adult in the situation – and it likely won’t be the kids. If your baby daddy 1) hates you; or 2) equally as bad, is still in love with you, this is the type of info the new man in your life should know about. You don’t have to tell him on the first date, but he shouldn’t find out when your baby daddy is chasing you, him, or both down the street with a sawed off shotgun. For example, I once dated girl who “got along fine” with her baby daddy. You can imagine my surprise when I started receiving anonymous text messages ranging from pleas to leave her alone to threats to kill us both if we kept dating. We all know that some men, exes or otherwise, believe in the motto, “once mine, always mine.”
I know you can’t be expected to control another human being, especially if that human being happens to be your child’s father and is bat Isht crazy, but what you can do is let me know your ex-man is crazy and deranged so I at least know what I’m getting myself into sooner rather than later. I shouldn’t have to find out your baby daddy is crazy after he does something crazy if he has a history of doing crazy Isht. If we’re going to be in a relationship together this is the kind of information you should share early on.
Give Your New Man an Opportunity to Speak for Himself
I love you women folk and all, but for whatever reason you always assume you know what’s best for everyone. Ladies – and I say this with love – you don’t always know what’s best for everyone. Whenever you’ve made what you think is a great a decision based on your own personal input that directly impacts me, such as deciding that you’re going to do a surprise introduction between me and your baby’s daddy, please do me a favor, DON’T!
A grown man should be given the opportunity to have an adult-level conversation with you about your expectations for the meet-up before you plan the meet-up on his behalf. It’s very possible that he might not want to meet your baby daddy or maybe he’s wide-open to it. Either way, it should be a discussion you have together; not a decision you make on your own. As discussed in the first section, there should be an open dialogue about how the meet-up might go based on your current status with your baby daddy, prior meetings he’s had with other ex-boyfriends, or if you don’t know, that should be shared as well. What should not happen? I find out your baby daddy is coming over when the doorbell rings. That places everyone in an awkward situation that could have been easily avoided. Unless, of course, he’s crazy and shows up randomly to your home, which still shouldn’t be a surprise if you followed the tips from above!
Give Your Baby Daddy an Opportunity to Speak for Himself
When dealing with men, keep this in mind and you will go far: guys don’t make new friends, we only lose old friends. If your expectation is that your baby’s dad and I are going to become best friends, you have likely misplaced your hopes. I personally haven’t made a new friend since Tupac was alive. Similar to the same opportunity you should give your new boyfriend, your baby daddy should be asked (not volunteered) if he wants to meet the new man in your life. If there’s no way around it, such as a joint function, he should at least be notified that the new man in your life will be there. If he chooses to be immature from there and avoid you both, at least you can rest comfortably knowing you did your part.
Expectations should be appropriately set. The goal is to create some form of civility where all parties can agree to attempt to act like adults for the betterment of the child, because in the end, it’s the child’s experience that matters the most. That said, I don’t expect your child’s father to be my best friend or give me daps every time he sees me. Even if a man doesn’t have romantic feelings for you, keep in mind that he is not ignorant of a few facts: 1) I am sleeping with the woman he at least loved/liked/tolerated long enough to sleep with himself; and 2) I am the “other man” in his child’s life now. Even the most mature adult might need a little time to reach a place of emotional tolerance. This means that expecting them to sit down with us to play a trash-talk filled game of spades during our first awkward tri-family barbecue might be reaching.
While keeping these tips in mind, I must repeat that your baby daddy should not have any democratic influence on the status of your relationships after him. If he does, it might be an issue of whether you still have feelings for him, because why are you allowing him to vote on your relationships? He’s not Simon Cowell and this aint “American Idol.” At best, your baby daddy can address issues with you that the child tells him, since some children are more comfortable talking to the parent who isn’t the source of the conflict. However, even these discussions should only be given value to the degree that your X is a creditable source of information. If the child is old enough, you can discuss it with them directly or as a group in the new relationship. Other than that, your baby daddy should have little to no influence on your relationship. He isn’t dating your new man and if your new man does right by you and your child, then the father’s opinion shouldn’t matter.
What are your thoughts…Should your baby’s father/mother meet your new boyfriend/girlfriend? How do you decide when the time is right? Should they have any influence on the status of the new relationship? Do you require their “approval” for anyone you seriously date?
WisdomIsMisery aka WIM uses his background as an internal auditor to provide objective, yet opinionated, qualitative and quantitative analysis on life, love, and everything in between. As a Scorpio, many women wish death on WIM and some have attempted to hasten its arrival. WIM is not a model, a model citizen, or a role model. See more of WIM on his weekly write-ups for SBM and on Twitter @WisdomIsMisery.
