The best part of being in a relationship for most people is the friendship you’ve built with your partner. While passion, chemistry and great sex make up a large part of attraction, friendship and mutual respect are what keep a relationship growing and strong. But what happens when that relationship ends…for whatever reason? Can (or should) exes remain friends? Personally, I think exes can be great friends, but it may take some finesse…and time. After all, if you started off as friends, you should be able to maintain the friendship right? Sometimes the friendship was the best part of the relationship, and just because you don’t make it down the aisle doesn’t mean all is lost. After all, you’ve shared memories, made each other laugh, confided in each other and know each other’s deep dark secrets.
But some may say that this is exactly why you CANNOT be just friends. You’ve shared memories, made each other laugh, confided in each other and know each other’s deep dark secrets – AND YOU’VE SEEN EACH OTHER NAKED! If you’re unsure on if you should bring the relationship back to the friendship level, consider these things before you take it there.
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1. You’ve Seen Him Naked
Sometimes it’s hard look at your ex as “just a friend” after having been the most intimate with him. You will always have an image of his hot body burned into your brain, and memories of your sex life could be triggered by something as simple as the smell of his cologne or hearing a song that you once made passionate love to. You might consider yourself to be the most evolved, tough woman in the world when it comes to putting your feelings aside, but sometimes it’s very hard to see someone in a different light after you’ve smacked it up, flipped it and rubbed it down!
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2. You Still Want Him
Since you can’t get his naked body out of your mind, chances are you still have a passion for this man…so a friendship with him might not be a good idea…unless you just want to be friends with benefits. If the passion you feel for your ex is still there, you may need to take some more time reflect or to get over the breakup. Why? Because sometimes our relationships are so riddled with problems that we wondered why we were ever with that person to begin with. And then we realize…the sex was good! And he had a big…uh…foot! Chances are we stayed in relationships based on passion and sexual chemistry, not because we were meant for each other. A couple may mutually agree to break-up after they come to that realization, but that doesn’t mean the attraction is gone. So even if you both start to “hang” under the guise of being “just friends,” it’s possible something could jump off “just for old time’s sake.” Then that could bring you back to square one, how you felt right after the breakup, just when you were starting to get over it. Damn, damn, damn!
3. Intimacy
Aside from sex, sometimes you can’t be friends with an ex because he was your shoulder, and you confided everything in him…and now you can’t. The person you once shared any and everything with may be dating someone new now and Lord knows you don’t want to hear anything about his new relationship. Or, you may feel awkward telling your ex that you have a hot date tonight. You might be reluctant to tell your ex how your new boo hurt you for fear of appearing silly or vulnerable – even though appearing silly or vulnerable was never an issue before, when you were dating. That comfort level is no longer there, so the friendship won’t have the same “feel.” In this case, you don’t really have a true friendship – you’ll just be two people trying to force an amicable situation where none is necessary. Just move on.
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4. Jealousy
If jealousy comes into play, then no, you can’t be friends. If it was a bitter breakup, even after some time, you may not want to hear how the new person they’re dating is the love of their life. Who wants to hear that crap…especially if you’re not really over it? Even if you’re the one who did the dumping and you don’t have feelings for your ex anymore, if they find a new love before you do, you might be resentful. Petty yes, but feelings are feelings. The thought of someone else taking your place in a world that you and your ex once shared is sometimes too painful to imagine – or is a serious blow to your ego. If you can’t be sincerely happy for your ex because you’re jealous, and you haven’t moved on from the break up, then you can’t be friends – because true friends are happy for one another.
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5. You Don’t Really Want to be Friends
How many of you have tried to remain friends with an ex just so you wouldn’t feel guilty about dumping him? You know how it goes – “it’s me, not you….can we still be friends?” What we really want to say is “kick rocks!” but that would be too mean.
Whatever you do, don’t force a friendship when you really don’t want one. It’s not fair. The peace-offering of friendship isn’t sincere; it’s just a way for you to not feel like a jerk for dumping the other person. It happens, and he’s grown – he’ll get over it. And if he was a jerk, then who cares?! Speaking of which…
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6. He was a Jerk
If you dumped this guy, there was a reason. If you two just fell out of love, or grew apart, then you may be able to be friends one day. But if you left him because of infidelity, dishonesty, or verbal or physical abuse, then why would you want to be friends with a person like that anyway? You’re not obligated to be the “bigger person” with a man who doesn’t deserve your friendship. If he mistreated you in the relationship, he’ll mistreat you in a friendship…so no, you can’t be friends. He’ll just continue to be hurtful and harmful, so it’s just not worth it.
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7. He Still Has Feelings For You
If you know your ex still has strong feelings for you but you would still like to be friends – walk a fine line with this one. If you did the dumping and can move on with ease, be sensitive to your ex’s feelings if you know he’s still pining after you. You might have no problem meeting for coffee or hanging at the movies with your former flame every once in a while. But your ex, whose heart you broke into a million little pieces, may not like it that you can move on while still sending him happy little emails all day. He might snap on you, so be careful!
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8. You Have Children
Everything I said previously may seem like it’s not really a good idea to be friends with your ex. But if you share children, not being friends with an ex may make co-parenting difficult. But being friends shouldn’t be confused with being civil to one another. The elements you need in order to be friends may simply be time, space and maturity. In order to co-parent, you have to let bygones be bygones and embrace acceptance and forgiveness to build an amicable (or tolerable) relationship with your ex. In a perfect world, exes who are co-parents can succeed at being friends where bitterness, jealousy, and human nature do not exceed reasoning and rational thought where the child’s best interest is at heart (good luck with that) But it IS possible.
All photos courtesy of Shutterstock.com
