Surprise! He Has Feelings Too And This Is How You’re Hurting Them

When you don’t say I love you back

Women throw the I love you’s around a lot more than men do. Women say it as a greeting, a good bye, a filler word. But when men say it, it’s because something has just happened that has reminded them how much they love you, and has stirred those feelings up right now. So they want to say it right now. So, when you don’t say it back—even if it’s just because you forgot to and hung up the phone before you had the chance—they immediately wonder, “Is something wrong?” They’re hoping for a connection when they say, “I love you.” And when you don’t say it back, it feels like a missed connection to them.

Commenting on his weight

Just because men do it to each other—relentlessly make fun of one another any time they put on a pound or their hair thins—doesn’t mean you can do it. Guys pretend not to care when their friends make fun of them, but secretly they’re trying to figure out how to amend the issue immediately. Want to know why? Because they don’t want to be less attractive to you! So if they hear the criticism from you, their confidence plummets. And it can take a long time before they feel confident enough to even initiate sex again.

Speaking of him in the third person

You may think it’s cute to tell your friends all about your man’s quirks, insecurities, flaws and weird habits, all while he is standing right there but remember that what’s cute to you might be a point of real self consciousness to him. If you turn him into a little story character—“And then he does this, and he always does this, and he is so this”—he might feel like you don’t take him very seriously.

Criticizing him in front of others

Even if you feel comfortable enough in front of your friends or family to argue with your boyfriend, your boyfriend doesn’t! While you might be thinking, “Oh. They don’t care. They’re not even listening” he feels like you do not respect him at all. Look: nobody understands both sides of a fight. And if your friends or family only catch a blip of your issue with your guy, they are bound to take sides. And your guy doesn’t want that to happen.

When you ask someone else to be there

So you don’t want to be a needy girlfriend. You want to be an independent woman. You want to remind yourself that, should you and your guy breakup, you have the resources to carry on without him. For this reason, you automatically ask somebody else to help you. Whether it’s with choosing a car, fixing a sink or being there for emotional support before a big interview, you choose a friend or family member. But part of being in a relationship means making yourself vulnerable because it’s how your man feels that he is of value to you. Suck it up. And ask him to help.

Criticizing what he’s wearing

Believe it or not, men care about their wardrobe too! In fact, they care about it a little more than women do and here’s why: while women care mostly about looking good for that day in that outfit, and simply take pride in looking in-style and being able to put together an attractive outfit, men identify with what they wear. They usually stick to one distinct style, because they are trying to send out a message about themselves with what they wear. So when you criticize a man’s clothing, you’re not just saying his outfit is strange or unattractive. You’re saying that he is strange or unattractive.

Making him feel broke

Even if he makes fun of his own bank account and the fact that he’s eating Cup of Noodles every night doesn’t mean you can. He doesn’t care that he’s unable to treat himself, and that’s why he can make fun of himself. But he does care that he can’t treat you, and if in any way he senses that you care that he can’t treat you, he’ll feel humiliated.

Ignoring his gifts

They may laugh it off if they find their gift to you shoved away in your closet, but deep down they feel like they don’t know how to make you happy. A large part of a man’s happiness comes from his ability to make you happy. If he feels like he’s incapable of doing or buying you things that improve your life, he loses his purpose for being with you.

Ignoring his confessions

Want to get emotionally closer to your man? Then you better pay close attention. Men don’t announce when they’re about to share something personal the way women do. We tend to say, “Can I tell you something?” or “I have something on my mind” whereas men drop things in more subtly. They don’t want a ton of attention paid to their intimate confessions. Often they just want you to be aware of the information. So, when a man drops some personal knowledge on you, don’t just move onto talking about what to have for dinner. He made the conversation seem casual and unimportant but honestly, he doesn’t want you to.

Telling him he’s irresponsible

Men spend their developmental years trying to be good for their mothers. Sure, as kids they misbehaved sometimes. But they quickly learned that one of the most gratifying things was making their mothers proud. So, that need to make the women in their life proud is ingrained in them. When you tell a man that he is irresponsible, it cuts him deep. To their friends, they can appear lazy, incompetent and like they don’t have their life together. That doesn’t bother them too much. But if they look that way to the woman in their life, they feel that they have failed tremendously. So, take a moment to think if this is the moment you really want to tell a guy he’s being irresponsible.

Saying “You always do this”

Women can be guilty of having selective memory. We can become disproportionately mad over one incident, forgetting that every other time the guy did do things right in that situation. We love to say, “You always do this” or “You never do this.” We speak in absolutes. And when we do this, we make a man feel like we’ve given him no credit for any of the times he did things the right way. Before you speak in absolutes, dig deep into your memory: does he really “always’ or “never” do this? Or is it just occasionally?

Talking about his “potential”

You and your partner should both be supportive of one another’s dreams and ambitions, but that’s about where it stops. You cannot be the one instilling dreams or ambitions in somebody. They are either there or they are not. If a man talks about some positive initiative he wants to take for his career, be very enthusiastic and supportive. But suggesting ways he move forward, or suggesting that he do so at all, is a dangerous territory that is bound to make him feel like he is just not good enough.

Criticizing his “performance”

We don’t mean it as a criticism. We just mean it as a “next time, try this instead.” But women can accidentally say some pretty hurtful things after sex. Things like, “I was almost there but then you did this and I lost it” or “That position was weird for me.” Men are very sensitive about their performance. Try not to speak in negatives. If he does something you really like, make sure you really let him know that. He’ll make a mental note. If he does something that really bothers you, right after sex is not the proper time to bring it up. He’s feeling extra vulnerable then.

Canceling at the last minute

You think “Plenty of men have done it to me, so I can do it too.” We’re so used to guys flaking on plans, or not being the best organizers, or setting things up at the last minute that we think it gives us a get out of jail free card to call up our guy an hour in advance and say, “I actually don’t feel like going out tonight.” But don’t let the guy you’re with now pay for the crimes of past guys.