Can You Go From "Friends With Benefits" to "Wifey"?

Sometimes you never really see it coming – the “Friends with Benefits” situation. After all, he’s cool, a lot of fun to hang out with and there’s an attraction there that could go either way, depending on what day of the week it is. You think he’s cute, he’s not seeing anyone and neither are you and then BAM! – after maybe one too many, you have sex.  And the sex is good. Really good. So you decide to do it again, and again…and maybe one more time. Next thing you know, you’re friends with benefits (FWB)…and everything is groovy.

Until…one of you catches feelings. Most of us know someone who has found herself in this situation wondering how she got there – and how she can either get out of it, or how she can take it to the next level. If she’s fallen for the guy, yet he’s stated over and over again that they’re “just kickin’ it” or that he’s not ready for a relationship, chances are you will never go from the FWB situation to full girlfriend status. But it IS possible. Sure, this may happen in RARE cases, especially if he has intimacy issues or commitment phobia – in which case I advise you to let it go and heal your broken heart. But if you feel that the chemistry between you suggests that there might be a chance at real love, here are some things you can do to test the waters to see if you can go from FWB to wifey.

1. Define “Friend”

For some, there is no difference between a F-buddy, a jump-off or a friend with benefits. However, I think if you are a true friend, you have something to work with. A friends with benefits situation IS a relationship, maybe just not one with the title you want. If you think about it, most relationships are friends with benefits relationships…boyfriend/girlfriend or even a marriage. What it really comes down to is the commitment, because the passion is clearly there. It’s easier for a person to invest in someone who is a true friend, because when the sex fades (and it will), friendship is what you’re left with. So if you’re just a chick who creeps by in the middle of the night once every couple of weeks who has never met his friends or family, then you’re a jumpoff or F-buddy, not really a friend with benefits.

However, if you talk on a regular basis about things that don’t involve condoms, you spend time OUT of the bedroom in PUBLIC, and don’t have sex on every encounter, there’s a chance that he can fall for you in a deeper way than just the physical. If he treats you with respect, is considerate of your feelings, and vice versa, then you probably are truly friends…and from there a committed relationship may be possible. But if you feel used, disrespected or ashamed after hanging out with him, then he’s probably a predator, not a friend…and there’s no where you can go from there.

2. Walk Away

If you truly want to see where things stand, become scarce. You may not need to fall of the grid completely, but the less available you are, the more desirable you may become. Let’s face it, the dynamic you two have built is comfortable for him, but it is no longer comfortable for you – so shake things up. When he calls for a hookup, don’t answer, or text him back saying that you have plans or can’t make it that night. This may seem like you’re playing games, but the only way you can truly gauge his interest is to not be at his beck and call and see how he responds. Men love a chase, and he can’t chase you if you’re always there or don’t give him the space to chase you. Men chase what they want, and if there is a bit of mystery there, that may make him see you in a different light or make you more attractive to him in a way that isn’t purely sexual. If he doesn’t seem to miss you, well then you know he’s not really checking for you like that. But if it drives him crazy that he can’t talk to his best girl for a few days, perhaps there are deeper feelings there than even he realizes.

3. Just Talk, No Sex

If backing off completely is hard for you to do since you are genuinely good friends, take sex out of the equation and see how he reacts. He may just come to the conclusion that you’re either seeing someone else or that you don’t want to be in the FWB situation anymore, but chances are he’ll ask you why you don’t want to go there anymore. This way you can tell him that while you understand that he’s said in the past that he wasn’t ready for a relationship, you don’t want to complicate things since you’ve decided that you want more of a commitment. This opens up the discussion to see if he’s changed his mind about wanting a relationship (with you), or if he still holds the same position – in which case you’ll know if you should move on or not. You may find that his feelings towards you have changed as well, but he didn’t want to rock the boat or scare you away. Men catch feelings too, so if you haven’t had “The Talk” in a while about expectations and boundaries, now may be a time to revisit the conversation to see where things stand. And if he doesn’t want to spend time with you without the sex, then you have your answer – and he’s not much of a friend anyway.

4. Date Someone Else

Sometimes people don’t realize what they have until it’s gone…or until someone else wants it. That may signal immaturity, but if the arrangement you two have has been working and he doesn’t feel threatened, he may not feel the need to commit because he knows you’re not going anywhere. Sometimes it takes someone else to show him what he might be missing if he doesn’t snatch you up, so instead of hooking up with your FWB on Saturday night, tell him you have a date with a guy you just met and you’ll catch up with him whenever. He may try to play it off and wish you fun on your date, but if he’s shaken, you’ll be able to tell. Now, if he’s seeing someone else, this may backfire on you, but at least you’ll know where you stand. And who knows, if you start dating other guys, you may find one that is REALLY interested in a real relationship, not just a sexual one…and your FWB will be history. Dating someone else may be just what you need to show you that you deserve to be with someone who wants ALL of you, not just your body.

5. Act Like A Girlfriend

I know, I know…I can hear the swarms of women out there now shouting, “Hell no! Why act like a girlfriend if he ain’t my man?!” Hear me out. Some men may look at their FWB as just one of the guys who just happens to be good in bed. Some men can’t see her as a girlfriend because she doesn’t do “girlfriend” things. I’m not saying be his domestic sex slave, but try not to come off as just one of the guys, or as a woman who is only interested in sex. If you’ve managed to fall in love with him, but are holding back, give him little hints that you’re thoughtful (and irreplaceable), like cooking him a meal every once in a while when he’s working late, or picking up his dry cleaning on your way over. It doesn’t have to be anything too crazy, because he might think you’re being intrusive or stalker’ish. But if you do it right, you’ll come off as the caring woman you are, not just some girl he’s smashing. Bottom line, try to do little things that let him know you care and are paying attention to him and his needs…you know…like a girlfriend would. Of course he should appreciate and reciprocate – and if he doesn’t  then you can conclude that he just doesn’t see you as a potential mate and you can move on and do those things for someone who is more deserving.

6. Be Confident, Not Needy

It can be argued that one of the best attributes to have is confidence, and men and women alike find confidence to be attractive. Men and women can smell desperation a mile away, and if you come across as dependent on your FWB situation, it can be easy to be taken advantage of. So take a look at yourself and think about all the wonderful things you have to offer – not just to him – but to any man. If you haven’t showcased the best of you and what you bring to the table, he may not see you as an asset or a mate, he may just see you as a woman who is willing to settle for any situation presented to you. Now is the time for you to re-package yourself and change the message you’re sending. Emphasize your assets, know your worth and reclaim your power. If he begins to view you differently, then great! But if not, nothing lost. You can’t make someone love you, so ultimately it’s out of your hands anyway – all you can do is take control of the image you want to convey to any man who may be looking. Don’t make desperate attempts to manipulate the man you want into loving you, because you shouldn’t have to convince anyone that you’re worthy of a committed relationship. You’ll find that once you start realizing your true worth, the outcome won’t even matter…and it’s usually upon that realization that you wind up getting exactly what you want.