GoodToKnow.co.uk
There are some things that most men should just not have a say in: the flower arrangements at your wedding (unless he’s David Tutera), wings vs. no wings and choosing good china. Unfortunately, when it comes to pregnancy, a man’s opinion doesn’t get taken into much consideration past conception. Even under the most ideal circumstances much of the fuss is made over the mother-to-be. Her skin’s glowing, everyone within a 10-foot radius wants to rub her belly and make it rain Baby Gap on her and the growing fetus. But dad…well, he just gets left on the sidelines until it’s time to head to the delivery room where he gets a pat on the back, a cigar, and in some cases, lowered expectations to play his part.
But what about when a pregnancy occurs under less than favored circumstances? As much as some politicians want to limit or completely eliminate the options women have when it comes to their bodies and pregnancy, the options that are available to choose from are never easy to navigate when a woman faces an unintended pregnancy. Ideally, we all would like to face that kind of situation with a partner who is committed to the relationship and truly cares about a woman’s well-being, but the fact is, babies are made every day between people who don’t care about each other, let alone want to co-parent together. And when an unplanned pregnancy occurs some women may find that including their partner in the decision-making process is unnecessary and more trouble than it’s worth.
In most states, legally, the father has no say in whether a woman chooses to have an abortion, but if it’s possible, the father should at least be a part of the conversation. The fact is, no woman should have to deal with the idea of an abortion alone. When it comes to revealing a pregnancy to a partner, it’s easy for our minds to go into overdrive imagining a far worse reaction than what actually occurs. I’d like to believe in most cases that there are responsible men who may be terrified at the idea of becoming a father, but can at least to step up to the plate as a source of support.
After Tom Akin’s comments on “legitimate rape,” President Obama quickly responded, “What I think these comments do underscore is why we shouldn’t have a bunch of politicians, a majority of whom are men, making health care decisions on behalf of women.” While this may be true when we’re discussing women’s healthcare as a nation, there’s a big difference between a politician telling you how to handle your pregnancy and leaving the man who could potentially be your child’s father in the dark. You know your partner best and if you’ve both talked about not wanting kids in the near future, there’s a good chance he’ll support your decision. You also have to consider how much of a toll keeping inside information will have on the trust in your relationship if this is someone you intend on being with for a long time. If you can’t trust him to support you in your decision or discuss something so serious rationally, you may have to question your investment into the relationship in the first place.
Babyzone.com
Even if you didn’t intend to get pregnant by the random bartender you hooked up with after last call a few weeks ago, the fact is that it takes two to make a baby. Whether it’s your fiancée or a Friday night fling, you may choose to not allow his feelings to influence your decision, but he at least deserves an opportunity to step up and be the support you need. You know your situation best. Ask yourself: Do I care about this person’s feelings? You may not give a damn if you ever see random bartender guy again in life, but if it’s a pregnancy resulting from a friends with benefits situation or a serious relationship, revealing your abortion plans is about respect for your partner as much as it is about reaching out for support. Think about if the tables were turned: What if the choice was completely up to men? How would you feel if you were left out of a decision about what happens to your child or your body? Men don’t have to physically carry a pregnancy, which is a big factor in why the decision is left solely to the ladies, but you can’t deny they play a significant part and need to have a say.
As women it’s like we have a point to prove that we are stronger than we appear. We’ll put up a front that we have it all together in an effort to show that we don’t need help. And even if we’re drowning in an ocean of panic and frustration many of us will just as calmly scream out between breaths, “It’s cool. I got this,” than ask for assistance. Many of us are afraid to face the rejection and judgment that can come with an abortion. We worry about if he’ll wonder whether this is an attempt to “trap” him. News of a pregnancy can send a man in a new and unstable relationship running for the hills, and we sometimes believe it’s better to live with a secret than to live alone.
Revealing your plans may also force you to have to deal with the dilemma of a partner who wants you to keep the baby. Pregnancy can be just as much as an emotional epiphany for men as it is for a woman. Both Drake and J. Cole have expressed their thoughts on abortion from a man’s point of view in their music. In the song, “Lost Ones,” J. Cole confesses, “And I ain’t too proud to tell ya that I cry sometimes. I cry sometimes about it.” Your decision may be made that much more difficult when faced with the guilt of having a partner who is open or even excited about the possibility of becoming a father. It’s important to make sure a relationship can survive a disagreement on such a serious decision. Partners have to be realistic about how much a pregnancy can change a relationship. If there’s any kind of resentment, you may find yourself in a relationship where your decision is used against you as you suddenly become the target for misdirected grief and disappointment. An abortion can be difficult for a man too; encourage honest communication about the procedure so that he has an opportunity to process his feelings as well.
When you’re sitting in a health center waiting for such a procedure, not only are women advised to have someone with them to monitor their recovery, but it’s comforting to know that someone will be there to hold your hand and tell you it will be okay, but the last thing you need is someone who is going to judge you and make you even more insecure about what to do. Unfortunately, that may be the person who helped you get into this situation. There is no one-size-fits all answer and only you know what works best for your situation. What he doesn’t know might not hurt him, but trying to conquer it all on your own could hurt you.
Do you think a woman is required to share her plans for abortion with her partner?
Toya Sharee is a community health educator and parenting education coordinator who has a passion for helping young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health. She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog Bullets and Blessings .
