Ask a Very Smart Brotha: He Got Someone Else Pregnant But Says He Wants to Be With Me - Page 5

Patricia: Damon, what are some of the common mistakes that women make in a relationship that are detrimental to its success? I.E overplaying the ‘independent’ role, not understanding masculinity and the need to allow it, talking to their friends about their relationship too much, not opening up with their lover, listening to too much Steve Harvey/TD Jakes, etc?

DY: You’ve already covered a few of the main ones, but one I’d like to add is losing sight of the fact that men, are in fact, human. Basically, there’s so much discussion about what makes us different, that we tend to forget that we — men and women — have many of the same feelings, fears, and emotions. And, instead of looking at the opposite gender as a person with a few biological differences, we sometimes act like we’re dealing with an entirely different species

Debra: When you divorce, do you just divorce your spouse or are you supposed to divorce all of your in-laws as well? and mutual friends?

DY: As a person who went through a break up myself last year, that “breaking up with the friends too” is a complicated issue. Honestly, I think it depends on the nature of the break up and the relationship. Staying cool with the in-laws seems kind of extra, but if you had mutual friends while you were together, there’s no law that states you both can’t stay friends with all of them. (Also, people tend to choose sides anyway, so the choice may not even be yours)

April: My sister has been in a relationship with her guy for a year and some change. He has a son and still does everything with the ex: dinners as a family, outings, birthdays , holidays ,amusement parks family stuff etc…What does this mean should she drop him and move on or what ???

DY: If he’s spending all this time with his ex, how does he have any actual time to be a boyfriend?

Linsay: My friend was dating a guy he was deployed and just came back. While he was gone he kept telling her how much he loved her. And now that he’s back, he really hasn’t talk to her except for one time. It makes no sense can you break it down for us?

DY: LOL, I think y’all should probably give that man some space. He just came back from fighting a war. Maybe he’s just not in the mood to have that “So…when are you gonna change your Facebook status to “in a relationship”?” conversation yet.

Deidra: So, do you believe in dating more than one man/woman at a time – just to see what your options are?

DY: Definitely. Dating should be about exploring options, not signing up for joint accounts and playing the pull out game (save that for week two of an actual relationship)

Courtney: I’m starting a new relationship with a guy that I feel so far is pretty great; the only problem is I can already feel my old insecurities creeping up on me (is he really interested, does he just want to have sex, etc) do you have any tips on how to keep cool during this new phase? Is it something i should talk to him about, and how do I do it without scaring him off with my “craziness” thanks!

DY: Of course, the obvious answer to “how do I stop being crazy?” is “stop being a woman,” but since you can’t do that without some really painful surgery, I think you should just let him know everything you just told me. Explain to him that you’re still not entirely comfortable yet, and tell him why. (And, lemme tell you a secret: He’s probably feeling the same way you are0

Kristina: My ex left me for his baby momma (he slept with her when our 2nd son was 1 month old & got her pregnant) 5 months ago, yet he claims that he doesn’t want to be there & it is just a convenience thing ( she basically supports him financially & I’m not going for it at all). However, he has done things with her that he refused to do during our 6 year relationship, they have taken professional family & couple pictures. We have 4 children together & although I miss him I have cut him off by not accepting his phone calls etc. Yet he tells all of his friends & family that I am the person he wants to be with, it is confusing me emotionally & I’m not sure how to handle it.

DY: You need to treat him how Stevie J apparently treats condoms. Basically, RUN the other way, and don’t look back.

Takeisha: I have been married for a year and we never argued before we got married now the smallest thing causes a fight? How do we get back to the we were

DY: You’ll probably never get back to the way you were. That’s impossible. What is, possible, though is you growing an even stronger bond as you continue to grow with each other. Right now, though, it’s best to see if there are any underlying issues causing these arguments, and how they can be resolved.

Carmen: I am dating a guy who is post divorced 6 months… He is everything I am looking for in a mate but every so often he will say that he wants to be open with one another so he can explore other options because he was heartbroken. My response to him was he has heal and forgive in order to accept his blessing in the future. I told him we will be friends since I know he isn’t ready for a relationship. He says he only wants me but wants me to wait until he is ready. I value our friendship but am torn since I care deeply for him. Do I keep him as a friend or leave him alone?

DY: If I were you, I’d scale back some, and stop thinking about relationship for now. For one, he just went through a divorce, and you have no idea where his head is at right now. Why? Because he probably has no idea.

Also, you don’t want to be the rebound, or the woman who gets dumped after a few months because the guy realized he really wanted to just be single for a while.

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com. Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com

If you have a relationship question you would like Damon to answer, feel free to email us at editors@madamenoire.com or join us on our Facebook page on Wednesdays at 1 pm.

More on Madame Noire!

• Don’t Mess With Her! 6 of Aretha Franklin’s Most Diva-ish Moments
• Faster, Slower, More, Less: What She’s Really Trying To Tell You In Bed
• Madame on the Street: Should You Live Together Before Marriage?
• Do You Suffer From I Just Want To Prove He’ll Put a Ring On It Disease?
• Is There Such Thing as Reproductive Abuse?
• Bet You Didn’t Know: Secrets Behind The Making Of House Party
• They Said What Now!? 7 Songs That Don’t Mean What You Think They Do…