Questions Of Being a Father vs. Being a Husband

1. Fatherhood Feels Natural, Marriage Does Not

Men have a biological clock too, but they don’t feel as pressured by it as much as women do since technically, men can make babies until they die. A lot of men crave fatherhood, and never imagined their life without having children. It feels natural to want to leave a legacy. What may NOT feel natural to them though, is marriage. Most men feel the institution itself defies nature, since many men subscribe to the idea that they were put here to spread their seed and populate the earth. So while they may not actually carry the baby themselves, having children feels like a rite of passage. This is where a woman…or a surrogate comes in.

Men can wait a little longer to have kids since there’s really no expiration on when they can procreate, so they may wait until they’re a little more established and secure to raise them. Not all men want or need a wife…or a woman period, to help him raise his children. More and more men are raising children as single fathers, and are doing so via adoption or surrogacy. Not all men are bumbling idiots when it comes to changing diapers, and for them, it’s easy to love and care for someone who is theirs…who shares his DNA, and has the same cute dimples that he does. In the past, if a man has had failed relationship after failed relationship, he may give up on the idea of having children, even if he desperately wants them. But in 2012, a wife is no longer necessary to fulfill that dream. Through adoption or surrogacy…or even a generous “friend” who agrees to co-parent, someone else’s womb is all he needs.

2. He Doesn’t Believe in Marriage

Most men have heard anti-marriage chatter from the time they could walk, so it’s no surprise that marriage may not  be one of their goals.  They hear terms like “the ole ball and chain” rather than ‘wife,” and every comedian jokes about how marriage equals boredom, headache and no sex. No wonder a man freaks out when he finds out his boy just got engaged…”another one bites the dust!” When anti-marriage messages for men are so prevalent in media, movies, magazines and anywhere else you can think of, a man will eventually believe them. There are no social pressures for men to get married, even if a child is involved.

 Also, a lot of men and women believe that marriage is archaic, and that a piece of paper doesn’t have to determine what type of partner or parent they’d make – so they abandon the idea of marriage altogether. However, there really isn’t a stigma against being a father. There might be one attached to being a “baby daddy,” but most men who think they’ll make a good father don’t apply that term to themselves. They feel they can still be excellent fathers without reciting marriage vows, and maybe they can be even BETTER fathers because they choose to be with the child’s mother because he wants to, not because marriage dictates that he HAS to. By living with a girlfriend who does not require that he marry her, a man can enjoy all the benefits of a wife without  having to say, “I do.”

3. He Can’t Be Faithful

 It’s actually a good thing when a person can be honest enough with him or herself to admit that they can’t be faithful and that marriage isn’t in the cards for them because they know a spouse expects them to be monogamous. The idea of having sex with the same person day in and day out, over and over again, for the rest of your life is a scary thought for a lot of men (and women), no matter how much in love they are. Men seek sexual variety, and a wife kinda gets in the way of that – unless you have an open marriage…in which case, why get married in the first place?

Since being labeled an adulterer is usually frowned upon, most men would rather avoid this eventual downfall altogether. Afterall, betraying the mother presupposes that you betray the child too, and no man should want to disappoint his children. In some men’s minds, it’s easier to say, “your mother and I simply weren’t meant to get married” rather than, “I cheated on my wife, your mother.” It may be twisted logic, but somehow getting with a woman who he deems worthy enough to have a child with is all he needs – not necessarily a committed relationship.

4. He Doesn’t Want the Extra Responsibility

A man’s greatest fear is that marriage will require too many changes, compromises  and responsibilities. Yes, children require change, compromise and responsibility too, but somehow for some men, agreeing to co-parent requires less energy than making sure little Tommy does his homework AND his woman is happy too. And if the man has no desire to actually have physical custody of the child, then selfishly, co-parenting might be that much easier. Men see wives as second mothers or overbearing bosses who they have to check in with. If a man wants to go out with his boys and run the streets all night long, as long as it’s not his weekend with the kids, he can go. However, if he’s married, he’d have to run it by wifey first to make sure she doesn’t need him for anything. Now, to some folks, this is just a simple act of courtesy, not a death sentence. But some men feel they’d be imprisoned in marriage, and they don’t want to give up their freedom. They can share a child part-time instead of being a full-time husband, and he doesn’t have to share his space or all of his time. He may still want his OWN place, his OWN money and want to spend his OWN free time doing whatever he wants without having to answer to anyone. Being a (good) father is definitely work, but so is carrying the title of husband – one who has to be the head of the household – and not all men are built to tend to a wife AND a child. If he can only handle one, it might as well be the one that affords him the luxury of being a part-time parent with no wifey complications…because in his mind, marriage is just MORE work.

5. Divorce = Financial Ruin

Let’s face it, over half of all marriages end in divorce. It’s just a fact. Another fact is that 97 percent of alimony payments are made by men to women. Combine these two facts, and marriage suddenly looks like the end of a man’s financial life, not the beginning of happily ever after. So rather than pay alimony AND child support, a man may simply opt to support his child financially and keep the rest of whatever is left in his pocket rather than fork it over to her to help her “maintain the lifestyle” she was accustomed to when she was married. Child support alone may leave a man strapped. Add alimony, and this could spell financial ruin. If he doesn’t want to have to move back home with his mama and sleep in the basement, a man will decide to be a good baby daddy, support his child willingly without getting the courts involved, and everyone is happy. Yes, children cost money, but they may not cost as much as the financial risk of a nasty divorce.