Teen sweetheart Tiffany Evans recently popped back up on the R&B radar unexpectedly when she revealed in an Essence magazine interview that not only was she pregnant with her first child, but the she had been married for two years. Evans is only 19 years old, which places her walking down the aisle at 17 years old. At 17, the only aisle I was walking down was located in the mall as I blew my whole paycheck on shoes, clothes and lip gloss. No stranger to the tabloids, 19-year-old Miley Cyrus gained another gallon of side-eye from the public when she announced her engagement to boyfriend Liam Hemsworth whom she met in 2009 while filming The Last Song. And the voice behind Penny Proud, 25-year-old Kyla Pratt faced a bit of backlash from abandoned fans when she announced that the reason she was MIA for a while was because she was busy being mommy to 1-year-old daughter, Lyric with fiancé, Danny Kirkpatrick, a former dancer turned tattoo artist.
In a world saturated by teen pregnancy, deadbeat baby daddies, and mommies who are shaking in the club when they should be at home two-stepping with their toddlers, it’s refreshing when we finally see young couples that are “doing it right” by getting married along with having kids. But are they losing a crucial part of their youth in the process?
Getting married and starting a family are steps in life that there is no turning back from. Your twenties are all about finding, nurturing and learning to take care of yourself before you become responsible for a lifetime of commitment. I’m not saying there aren’t couples who take on these responsibilities early and do so successfully, but so many times I see people forgo the freedom and unique experiences of their twenties only to end up resentful in their thirties suffering from “Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda” syndrome.
Sure, the ladies mentioned above are probably financially stable and have both personal and professional experiences that most people will never have, but I still can’t help but wonder why it seems so many young people want to rush into marriage and having children. I wouldn’t trade the reckless abandon of my youth for anything because not only do I try to live with no regrets, but many of those experiences (both good and bad) prepared me with life experience and memories that I wouldn’t have otherwise, which I am hoping in turn will make me a more well-rounded person.
The best thing about being a single twenty-something with no children is that it’s one of the unique times in life where you have freedom as an adult without having all the responsibilities of one. Besides, you have the rest of your life to schedule every minute of your existence in a daily planner, multitask being a wife, mother and daughter and save for retirement. The list below features some key experiences that I think all young women should have in the short years we are still “young, wild and free”:
1. Having An Epic Adventure
There’s something about traveling in your twenties that makes life’s possibilities seem endless. Not to say you can’t explore different area codes if you’re married or have children, but I know twenty-somethings who left on what started on as a vacation and ended up changing their address. When you begin to plant roots in a location when you’re starting a family, it becomes that much more difficult to just up and leave on a random whim. And if you’re building a family on budget, travel is one of those things that starts to find its way further and further down on your list of priorities. Every young woman deserves a Hawaiian sunset, a Parisian café or even a view of the New York City skyline to give her the satisfaction that she can navigate the globe without anyone’s help.
2. A Night You Can’t Believe You Lived to Tell About
We all should have one story that starts with, “I’ll never forget that time…” It may be a drunken night where you left your $450 Prada platforms in the backseat of a the scummiest cab you’ve ever seen, the summer where you followed (insert popular musical performer’s name here) across the country on tour, or that weekend you were snowed in your dorm with only noodles, Pop Tarts and no electricity. There’s something about risky, crazy situations that test a woman’s strength and character that the cautiousness of our thirties doesn’t allow us to. Those situations make your intuition that much sharper for a time in your life where being careless and impulsive no longer puts only you at risk.
3. Living Alone in a Crappy Apartment
So maybe it’s not in a crappy apartment, but living alone actually allows you time to learn how to enjoy your own company. When you become a wife and/or mother, “me time” is harder and harder to come by and you’ll find yourself missing nights with only a bubble bath, a glass of Chianti and your Jodeci Pandora channel to keep you company. Living alone will test your resourcefulness and ability to maintain all of the responsibilities that come with running a household, even if the only person’s schedule you have to keep track of for now is your own.
4. A Share of Jerks and Gentlemen in Your Dating Past
I believe you increase your chances of finding the right man when you can clearly define what you want out of a relationship through both healthy and unhealthy relationships. While for some it’s ideal, most of us will not fulfill the fairytale fantasy of marrying our first love. When I look back at mine, I really thank God for saving me from anything less than my worth, even though at the time I couldn’t picture life after said first love. The break-ups and make-ups of your youth also force you to do some self-evaluation to prepare yourself to be a better partner for the one you eventually want to spend the rest of your life with. Some of my rockiest relationships helped me recognize that at my worst I can be careless, crude, and insensitive, qualities I wouldn’t have been able to work on if I wasn’t made aware of them.
5. A Few Insanely Expensive Purchases
As I type this I am still geeked over the $200 Jeffrey Campbell hidden wedge sneakers I just purchased. Were they worth it? Probably not. Do I care? Absolutely not. When it comes to budgeting, being a wife and mother are filled with second guesses and buyer’s remorse that are often absent from the single life. At this point the only one paying for your over-spending is you. When your family grows but your income doesn’t, you have to be more conservative about your spending and sacrifice your own needs; if that means getting the thirty dollar pumps so your baby can have a warm winter coat, you have to do what you have to do. Indulge yourself while you still can.
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6. Falling in Love With Your Line of Work
Unfortunately, many women are forced into jobs instead of choosing a career because they have mouths to feed and bills that need to be paid. There’s a freedom that comes with your typical twenties that allows you to really focus on your professional path and craft a career that involves doing what you truly enjoy. You remember the character Bernadine from Waiting to Exhale? She spent so much of her youth being a mother and wife that when it seemed to be slipping away, she had to revisit what once made her happy. You owe yourself a chance to chase your dreams before becoming burdened with the responsibilities of reality.
7. That Ability To Distinguish Your Friends from Your Frenemies
It’s harder to focus on making true friends when marriage and mommyhood come into play. If you’re fortunate enough to have a team of devoted divas, naturally you have less time to spend with your gal pal. When you settle down but still have single friends, relationships become strained. True friends will be there no matter if you’re shopping for shoes or school supplies. Hopefully you’ll know exactly who these people are before your half-a** homegirls run for cover when the wedding vows and baby formula start flying. Being a wife and mother can be challenging and it’s important to be able to find strength in your other support system.
8. A Look in the Mirror Where You Realize That Frankly, You’re the Ish
I see so many women try to use a relationship or pregnancy to give them the happiness and confidence they should already have. During your youth you’re crafting your individual style, personal choices and interests. If you’re lost, getting married and having a child won’t help you find yourself or your purpose, it will only leave you more bewildered. A husband or newborn baby shouldn’t have the task of helping you realize how great you are or can be. You should feel complete being exactly who you are while those relationships only enhance your fabulous-ness.
What did your twenties teach you about life?
Toya Sharee is a community health educator and parenting education coordinator who has a passion for helping young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health. She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog Bullets and Blessings .
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