By Rachel Garlinghouse
I’m an adoptive parent. I’m white. My two daughters, ages three and one, are both black. It’s glaringly obvious that my kids and I don’t “match” and that they are adopted.
We have been asked a slew of questions. “Are you girls REAL sisters?” “Did you hear that Katherine Heigl adopted another baby?” “Are your kids full or mixed?” “Why didn’t their birth parents keep them?” “Why couldn’t you have your own kids?”
One question that I found incredibly interesting, and one that the media is asking more than ever is, “Why didn’t you adopt one of your own kind?” (Yes, this is exactly how the question was asked.) It has been implied that there are plenty of white babies who need good homes, so why would we, as whites, pluck a black child out of the mix of available kids? (This is actually not true. Many adoption agencies have a tremendous need for families to be open to adopting black children, including sibling groups and kids with special needs, as many white parents only want to adopt healthy white infants.)
The media and the public are asking these questions of transracial adoptive parents: Are you trying to capitalize on some sort of trend? Why are you stealing a black baby away from her racial culture? Are you trying to make your child white? How in the world can a white family raise a black child properly?
The increase in media attention on celebrity adoptive parents, particularly transracial adoptive celebrity families like Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, Sandra Bullock, Charlize Theron, Hugh Jackman, Nicole Kidman, Tom Cruise, and Katherine Heigl, has brought transracial adoption to the forefront of pop culture. I have read, much to my dismay, article after article that begins by prompting the public to question the integrity and intent of such parents.
I have to admit, I don’t necessarily blame people for their assumptions and skepticism regarding transracial adoption, particularly white parents who are raising black kids. Whites have a long history of treating blacks and other races in degrading, dehumanizing manners. There is a seemingly natural and underlying distrust between whites and all other races. Despite people claiming to be “colorblind” and spouting that “the world is a melting pot” which is magically full of harmony and unity, I know otherwise.
You might question if parents are adopting minority children because it’s the trendy thing to do. Here are some truths, from my experience, regarding transracial adoption:
1. Transracial adoptive families are double-minorities, facing endless discrimination.
Until we adopted our first daughter, I was, unknowingly, enjoying white Privilege. No one ever looked twice at me in a shopping mall or restaurant, no one questioned my motives, no one asked how authentic my family was, if we were a “real” family or not.
But when my husband and I brought our first daughter home, we were quickly inducted into the life of a minority. We have been asked by an airline to provide our youngest child’s birth certificate to prove that she is actually our daughter prior to us boarding a plane. When we went to obtain a social security card for her, the attendant gave us several glares, making it clear she didn’t approve of our transracial adoption. She then asked, quite judgmentally, a question that had nothing to do with the application for the social security card: “Do they [our daughters] have the same parents?” I’ve been asked about the girls’ “real” mom, as if I am the fake mom. A cashier at a local store asked why the hell my girls’ birth parents would “give them away” because after all, the girls were “so pretty.” My family deals with, on a daily basis, discrimination related to adoption and race.
2. Transracial adoption is a path to parenthood.
Individuals and couples adopt because they want to be parents. Maybe they couldn’t have biological kids, couldn’t have more biological kids, had always wanted to adopt, didn’t want to wait for a partner to have children, or chose to adopt to avoid passing a genetic condition on to any biological children. The reasons are many.
When I was twenty-four years old, I was diagnosed with an incurable disease: type I diabetes. I am dependent on insulin for life; without it, I will die. Type I diabetes can be accompanied by a slew of dangerous side effects, all of which can impact the life of the diabetic’s unborn baby. My husband and I chose not to have biological children because we felt the risks outweighed the benefits. So we filled out paperwork to adopt, marked “open to a child of any race,” and waited. We were chosen, twice, to adopt black children. Without adoption, we wouldn’t be parents. We wanted to be parents. So we adopted. It’s really that simple.
Source: stuartbmcdonald.com
3. Transracial adoption involves more than just the adoptive parents and the children.
The media, it seems, never mentions “the other” in adoption. In the case of my family, we adopted domestically and our children came to us when they were just a few days old. Both of our girls’ birth families chose us, from many prospective adoptive parents, to be the mom and dad to their children. They could have chosen a black couple, or a biracial couple, or any other couple available, but they chose us.
It irks me to no end that when the public or even family members or friends question the decision of our children’s birth parents. We have been asked, “Why did they give the kids away?” “Why didn’t they love them?” “Do they have other children?” “How old are they?” All of these answers, if given, we recognize, would only be used to make further judgments about biological parents who choose adoption for their children. I have the utmost respect for my girls’ biological parents, and to speak maliciously or ask intrusive questions regarding their situation or their decision, is rude and disrespectful.
4. Transracial adoption is ultimately about the child.
An adopted child, also known as an adoptee, is the person who had no choice in the matter. He or she was in a situation where the biological family couldn’t parent. The child was placed for adoption. Therefore, when people question the validity of the child’s family (be it biological or adoptive), or the intent of the adoptive parents, it’s the child who pays the price. Already a minority in that he or she is adopted, the adoptee is also spotlighted by the fact that he or she is clearly a different race than his or her parents. It seems that people’s common sense disappears when my family walks into a room, and the insensitive and nosy questions are asked while I’m holding one child on my hip and the other by the hand. My girls are always listening and learning about the world and how they are perceived as transracial adoptees.
Adoptive parents are like every other parent. We wish to protect our children. My husband and I want our children to have racial pride and high self-esteem. Combating the assumptions we face is endless and challenging, but we strive to assure our daughters that they are loved by both sets of their parents and recall their adoption story in a positive and productive manner. We respond to nosy questions with grace and education, but we always protect the privacy of our children’s adoption stories.
5. Transracial parenting is not about the adoptive parents.
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been told, “Good for you for adopting. There are so many children who need good homes.” Or “God bless you for adopting those children.” Or, “Your kids are so lucky to have you as parents.” These are well-intended statements, no doubt, but they are harmful to the adoptees’ wellbeing. Statements like those mentioned are assuming—assuming that we are saviors or saints for adopting, that our children came from the worst of conditions, or that our children are the lucky ones when truly, I feel that we are the lucky ones to have our children.
Yes, we chose to adopt. Yes, we accepted two transracial adoption placements. Transracial adoption comes with unique challenges. Not only did we research BPA-free bottles and vaccines and organic baby food, but we also do whatever we can to ensure that our children have a positive racial identity, as black kids. Our efforts in raising transracial adoptees range from purchasing books and toys that feature black children, to taking our children to racially-relevant cultural and historical events and places, to celebrating Black History Month, to choosing a racially diverse church and school. Almost everything we do, just as any parent does, is to ensure that our children grow up as successful, confident, educated, and generous adults.
If I could leave you with one thought, it would be this: Before you choose to judge transracial adoptive families—through a look, a question, or a comment—please stop and consider that life as a transracial adoptive family isn’t about impressing others or jumping on a trendy bandwagon. My life is shockingly ordinary. I change diapers. I go to work. I bathe my children. We play at the park. I kiss boo-boos, offer hugs, administer discipline. I make dinner. I sink into bed each night, exhausted and content. Then I get up the next morning and repeat.
Yes, my kids are black, yes, they are adopted, and yes, they are mine.
Rachel Garlinghouse is a mother of two African American girls through transracial, domestic, open adoption. She lives in St. Louis with her family. You can read more about her family’s adoption journey at www.whitesugarbrownsugar.com.
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