Tashera Simmons Opens Up About Memoir and Healing From DMX
Tashera Simmons Opens Up About Her Book ‘Dying To Self’ & Ex-Husband DMX’s Legacy—‘He Was Ahead Of His Time’ [Exclusive]
Tashera Simmons has bared her soul to heal, and now, as a new author, she’s allowing the rest of the world to see who she is through her debut novel, Dying To Self: A Journey of Renewal.
Many recognize Simmons, 51, for her devotion to the late rapper DMX during their marriage, as he rose to fame. Still, as she continues to carve out a lane for herself, the New York native is using vulnerability as a vehicle to hopefully inspire others on their respective path to healing.
“It was one of the hardest fights that I have had,” Simmons told Madamenoire of maintaining the faith throughout the process. “I’ve always had faith, but it’s another level of faith. The reason why I said it was so hard is that I had to fight myself. I had to fight the woman that I looked at every day in the mirror, and say, ‘You have to get rid of whatever vices that you’re holding on to, and allow God to come in truly.’”
RELATED CONTENT: Tashera Simmons Opens Up About Her Mother Getting Pregnant By Her Grandfather
She added, “Before that, I was walking it, talking it, but not truly in my spirit, I was in my flesh, and I heard the Holy Spirit say, ‘The only way that you are going to get to this next level in life is if you die to your flesh.’ That meant sex. Television. People. My Past, and when I saw my past, my childhood, that was hindering my growth because of my worth of what I felt, because people didn’t even realize, a lot of the thing I allowed didn’t have anything to do with X. It had to do with me being abandoned as a child and not knowing what a truly functional relationship looks like.”
Freeing Herself From ‘A Sex Demon’ & Truly Finding Faith
“It was nothing but the Holy Spirit. When I started to die to those things, and sex being a huge one for me because I’m not a drinker, I’m not a smoker. I was like, ‘Why God? Why you gotta take everything from me?’” she recalled. “I say this with so much humility, because sex is everything these days for a lot of people, but when I got rid of that monster, and that demon… I had a sex demon that gave me comfort. That gave me fulfillment. That gave me purpose and worth.”
For Simmons, the fellowship and everything that came with sex were something that she used as a crutch for far too long in her life, fueling soul ties, which she says can often hinder us from hearing from God. Once she began to tackle some of the things that had been causing her the most inner turmoil, Simmons was able to gain the clarity and wisdom needed to write Dying to Self.
Another hurdle that she had to overcome was learning to operate from a mindset of abundance rather than one of lack and scarcity. As Black women, operating in survival mode is almost embedded in our DNA because we’re often taught to put the needs of others ahead of ourselves from the very beginning of time. Thanks to therapy, Simmons gained insight that she had been her own worst enemy and the gatekeeper to her freedom.
“I’ve been in therapy for eight years, after about five years in, that’s how many layers I had to peel off. I cried a lot in those sessions. I started to realize that I was my only enemy. I was the only one who was in front of the door. The gatekeeper of my freedom was me. Once I realized that, I felt sorry for myself, to be honest, and that’s why I have a lot of compassion. It’s such an eye-opener. Once you set yourself free in your flesh, you start to see who is not free and who is wounded and still struggling, and that’s how you get compassion. You’ll still be feeling some kind of way because we’re still in a human vessel, but then I bring myself back, and I’m like, ‘I hope they conquer that before God brings them home.’ It’s a horrible way to live.”
Vulnerability has been a game changer for Simmons, and she notes that there is no way to speak to anyone else’s pain or hurt without showing them the results of what that type of transparency does for your healing. More importantly, she believes that as a society, we need to continue being intentional about showing up without a mask and using our emotions as a means to become the best version of ourselves.
As a mother to four children conceived during her marriage to DMX from 1999 to 2014, Simmons is on a continuous journey toward healing, especially since his untimely death in 2021 at the age of 50. When asked where she is in the process since the massive loss, Simmons held back tears, explaining that she has learned to appreciate his ability to always show up as his whole self more than ever.
DMX’s Greatest Teachings: Transparency And Vulnerability
“I’ve known Earl most of my living life, and I get emotional because it’s unreal. It’s unreal that he is no longer with us,” she expressed. “He was a pain in my butt at times, but he was who he was, and he never lied about that. That’s why I can appreciate him even more now in my healing, even though he needed so much healing. He taught me that being transparent and vulnerable is one of our biggest tools that we can have as people. It’s the first place to start.”
Simmons added, “So where am I in my healing? I’m a lot better than I was four years ago, but it’s a process because he was an old soul. He was ahead of his time, and a lot of his teachings to me, I didn’t realize were teachings. I’m saying that now. Before, I was just like, ‘He’s getting on my d–n nerves. He’s always getting too deep. He doesn’t want to deal with stuff when I’m trying to deal with it.’ But now, it was teachings, and he always told me that he was just passing through and he wasn’t going to live long, and he came and did what he needed to do, and he left.”
“To tie it in with my children, I get vulnerable and they see the love that I had for their dad, and at first they didn’t understand [because] he caused so much hurt. They were like, ‘How do you still love our dad through all of that?’ And I said, ‘Because parents are just people.’ Yes, he tried his best. He was broken, and under the circumstances, he did a hell of a job with nothing. And I said, ‘Please don’t judge him by all the women and the children he had on me, because at the end of the day, I’m the only one he married. I’m the only one he gave the utmost respect to.’ He sold a lot of stories to those women, but he never went through with them. And let me tell you something about Earl, when he wants to do something, he’s going to do it. I feel sorry for a lot of those women that he did that to because they came in at a time when he was able to wear a mask.”
By healing herself, Simmons can show up whole for her children and encourage them on their respective journeys. She notes that because she was able to work through emotions like loss and betrayal, she’s able to help them continue to learn about who their father was through her.
“They’re constantly learning from him through me, and it’s a beautiful thing, and that’s why it’s so important to know who you marry so that you can share their true legacy with their children. I’m grateful that I got that,” she said.
Tashera Simmons’s debut novel, and personal memoir, Dying to Self: A Journey to Renewal, is currently available for purchase on her website.
RELATED CONTENT: DMX’s Ex-Wife Tashera Simmons Shares Touching Video Of Crowd Of Fans Playing His Music Outside Of Hospital
