How Masturbation Can Improve Self Confidence and Mental Health
Touch, Tease, Transform: How Self-Pleasure Awakens The Confident Goddess Within
Black woman, when was the last time you prioritized your pleasure?
Too many African American women are used to putting themselves and their needs on the back burner and then finding themselves completely burned out. Breaking out of the strong Black woman stereotype can be difficult or feel impossible between balancing responsibilities to children, family, home, work, even to society and the greater good of our communities.
Perpetually de-prioritizing your needs can negatively impact your overall health. Studies show that self-silencing and suppressing our desires can lead to depression, anxiety, and symptoms of PTSD. In some cases, ignoring our needs can lead to autoimmune diseases and cancer diagnoses.
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Fortunately, there’s an easy, effective, and potentially mind-blowing way to put yourself at the top of your to-do list, take care of your physical health, and unleash the confidence to put yourself first. By spending just a little intentional alone time focusing on yourself through masturbation and self-pleasure, Black women can begin to discover their sensuality and themselves.
“Masturbation teaches you confidence and body appreciation and self-love,” explains Ashley Cobb, sex expert, writer, and podcast host who helps women of color find ultimate pleasure and liberation. “I know I’m more confident when I know what it is I need. And [masturbation] gives me more confidence because I’m able to share that.”
However, shameful stigma associated with solo sex combined with a general lack of knowledge of how to get things going in a good way keeps many Black women from truly exploring their bodies to help them reconnect to their pleasure and their peace of mind. Cobb offers advice on how Black women can break free of shame and find freedom in their sexual pleasure.
Feeling Good Is Good For You
There are numerous physical and mental benefits to a regular self-pleasure session, from improving blood flow, reducing menstrual cramps, and even improving sleep. “[Masturbation] reduces stress and anxiety and helps people sleep better,” Cobb shares, adding that in her own experience: “I’ve never masturbated and not had a good night’s sleep. It really helps!”
Beyond the physical benefits, exploring your body in a sensual way is also beneficial for your mental health and your personal development. When women orgasm, our bodies release serotonin and dopamine, the body chemicals that increase our overall sense of well-being and decrease anxiety, making masturbation an effective way to self-soothe when feeling stressed or depressed. Not only that, but regularly practicing solo pleasure can help with self-esteem and finding your voice.
“It gives you confidence in being able to communicate,” Cobb says. “It’s kind of hard to tell someone what you need when you don’t know what you need yourself. It wasn’t until I started to focus on my own pleasure that I was able to communicate with partners and other people. I was able to vocalize that because I already knew what I liked, I had explored that on my own.”
Through the simple act of masturbation, Black women can take off the superwoman cape for a while and just be good to themselves. People pleasing takes a back seat when your time is spent pleasing yourself.
Overcoming Shame
If masturbation is so beneficial, why are so many Black women missing out?
Research shows that there’s an orgasm gap between men and women, with men more frequently experiencing sexual pleasure than their female counterparts. Further research shows that only 20-30 percent of women in heterosexual relationships ever experienced an orgasm during sex with their partners, while only about 20 percent of women ever experimented with solo sex.
So why aren’t the girls getting there by themselves? Cobb believes that a culture of shame and religious stigma has raised Black women specifically to turn away from turning themselves on.
“Typically Black people, whether you live in the north or south or whatever, we are church adjacent in our upbringing. If you’re someone who is brought up in a religious background, typically, sex—even sex with yourself—is considered very taboo, very shameful, something you do not do.”
Many Black churches use religion and theology to institute respectability norms and classify “good” versus “bad” Black women, according to the National Black Women’s Reproductive Agenda, leading many Black women to think that exploring their sexuality—even on their own—is a bad behavior. Fear of judgment, shame, or ostracization leads many Black women to suppress their sexual desires, starting the cycle of self-silencing that leads to the distress that causes mental and physical ailments.
Cobb also cites the pressure to be partnered as a reason some women may never explore solo sex, saying this is also a standard learned in the church, where religious leaders believe in restricting sexual activity to within the confines of a marriage. “The basis of heterosexual sex is essentially as a woman I have to make sure your [male] partner is pleased. No one really cares if you’re enjoying yourself as a woman,” Cobb says, insisting that it’s okay to want to be partnered, but a partner is not required for sexual pleasure.
“Masturbation takes away a connection to pleasure that’s associated with someone else and that puts you into your own body. I can have pleasure with or without a partner, I don’t need a partner,” she says. “Your pleasure is all about you.”
Black women become susceptible to religious biases and stigmas around solo sex when they don’t have access to comprehensive sex education. “Most people got their sex education in middle school and high school and [are taught] ‘Don’t do it,’” says Cobb. “It was a scared-straight type of education. No one really talks about the pleasure aspect of it.”
Leading many Black women to go in search of pleasure on their own.
Self-Pleasure Is Not Selfish
If you’re ready to release shame, put your pleasure first, and reap the benefits of a little self-love, Ashley Cobb has you covered with tips to ensure your solo time is enjoyable and safe.
She recommends starting small and slow when incorporating toys into solo play “Do not start off with a wand or dildo that’s bigger than your arm. You can never go wrong with a bullet,” she advises, adding that you can also go without vibrators and dildos and do whatever feels right to your body.
“There is no right or wrong way. The wrong way is if it’s painful, if the intent for you is to not be in pain. Pain is your body’s way of telling you something is wrong and you need to course correct.”
For Black women who’ve experienced the pain of self-silencing, shame, and savior complexes, masturbation can be the course correction they need.
“Masturbation allows you as the woman to explore what you like, how you like to be touched, what feels good without having to think about someone else,” says Cobb. “I have learned that what I want supersedes what other people want.”
Self-love starts with the self. So, make giving yourself some good lovin’ a priority.
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