What Should I Do If My Partner Wants Anal?

Dear Ashley, a sex advice column in which Sex Expert Ashley Cobb answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits!  Have a sex question, Ashley, “Your Favorite Friend In Filth,” has an answer. For questions on sex, email Ashley at ashley@sexwithashley.com

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Dear Ashley, 

My partner loves anal, but I do not. I have a hard limit on penetration size, and we’ve never actually tried anal sex. If we never did, I’d be completely fine with that, but I want to see if there’s a way to meet his desires without crossing my boundaries. Are there any alternative toys or techniques that could satisfy his kink in the bedroom without me having to engage in anal sex?

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Dear Ms. Not-So-Backdoor Babe,

Oh, girl, let’s talk about boundaries, pleasure, and finding creative ways to keep the bedroom spicy without doing anything that makes you cringe. Because if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that sex should be an enthusiastic ‘yes,’ not a reluctant ‘ugh, I guess.’

Your partner is into anal, but you’re just not about that life—and that’s completely okay. We all have our sexual boundaries, and good sex should never feel like a sacrifice. But the fact that you’re even looking for ways to explore alternatives? Is a win in my book. So, instead of slamming the door shut, let’s find some middle ground—one that lets him indulge his kink without you hanging a “Closed for Business” sign on your booty.

So, what’s the plan B when plan A(nal) is a no-go? Creativity:

If he’s more into the tightness that anal provides, you can mimic that snug sensation in other ways. Try The Thigh Trick—get into a doggy-style position and squeeze your thighs together while he enters you vaginally. This creates a naturally tighter grip, which can simulate the constricted feeling he loves. Want to take it up a notch? Press your fingers near the base of his shaft during penetration to enhance the pressure, making it feel even more restrictive.

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For those who get off on the visual of anal, there are ways to create the illusion without the actual act. Using a Tenga Flip Orb or Fleshlight sleeve between your thighs, or in a way that mimics the tightness of anal, can be a great compromise. It gives him the fantasy he desires while keeping you completely in control of what feels good for you. Sometimes, it’s less about the act itself and more about what appears to be happening—and that’s where a little creative positioning or toy play can go a long way.

Now, let’s flip the script—if he’s into backdoor pleasure, has he ever considered it for himself? Because newsflash: the prostate is an MVP when it comes to pleasure. Consider shifting the focus to prostate play—often called the male G-spot (and yes, it’s very real). A vibrating prostate massager or a butt plug can give him all the backdoor pleasure he craves without requiring you to be directly involved in a way that makes you uncomfortable. Encouraging him to explore his own body can be a game-changer, and who knows? He might just discover a whole new world of pleasure.

And if he’s really open to exploring, consider a bit of role reversal. If the thrill of anal is about dominance or submission, then activities like rimming, external prostate massage, or even a strap-on play session could be options to explore—on his body. This lets him experience anal stimulation firsthand while giving you the opportunity to set the boundaries of your own comfort.

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The bottom line? You don’t have to twist yourself into a sexual pretzel to satisfy someone else’s kink. Find a middle ground that keeps both of you turned on and turned up without compromising your comfort. Sex should feel good for both of you, not like a chore you’re doing to keep someone happy.

And if he loves you (which, I assume, he does), he’ll appreciate the fact that you’re willing to explore alternatives rather than just shutting the conversation down completely.

Ashley Cobb is the millennial microphone that brings the conversation of Black women’s pleasure to the forefront. Creator of digital platform Sex With Ashley, her work and words have been featured in Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Shape Magazine, Business Insider, and Huffington Post. Follow her on Instagram @sexwithashley

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