People-Pleasing Could Be Ruining Your Sex Life
Is People-Pleasing Killing Your Sex Life? A Relationship Expert Weighs In
According to marriage therapist Claudia Giolitti-Wright, people-pleasing, where one prioritizes others’ approval and happiness over their own needs, could be negatively impacting your sex life.
If you’re always prioritizing your partner’s sexual needs over your own in the bedroom, it could be a recipe for disaster as you may start to feel “resentment” or “dissatisfaction” when your intimate desires aren’t met, Giolitti-Wright said in a recent interview with Newsweek published Feb. 23.
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Performing sex rather than experiencing it isn’t healthy.
Spotting the signs of people-pleasing can be tricky, but these behaviors are surprisingly common and often show up in relationships in various forms. According to the relationship expert, if you’re constantly struggling to set boundaries around things you’re not comfortable with in the bedroom, it might be time to have an open conversation with your partner. Over time, this can erode trust both with yourself and with them.
People pleasers may become so focused on pleasing their partner that they disconnect from their pleasure.
“This makes intimacy feel like a duty rather than an expression of connection,” according to Giolitti-Wright.
Fear and resentment could lead to relationship trouble.
People pleasers may hold back from sharing their own sexual needs and desires, worried they’ll be judged, rejected, or deemed “too much.” This fear can result in a lack of sexual satisfaction and emotional fulfillment. Additionally, they may also be worried about hurting their partner or bruising their significant other’s ego if they do express dissatisfaction in the bedroom.
Notably, a 2014 study found that many women will often fake an orgasm out of concern for their partner’s feelings or to avoid negative emotions associated with the poor quality of their sex life. For people pleasers, this can be unhealthy. Constantly prioritizing your partner’s needs over your own can lead to silent resentment building up. Over time, this may create emotional distance and reduce sexual intimacy.
Genuine intimacy requires vulnerability, but people pleasers often fear that being their true selves won’t be accepted because they want to be loved and valued by their partner. This fear can make it difficult to form deep emotional and sexual connections. Women, in particular, are more likely to struggle with people-pleasing tendencies than men. A 2023 YouGov survey of 1,000 U.S. adults found that 49% of respondents identified as people pleasers, with 14% strongly agreeing with the label. Women were more likely to describe themselves this way, with 56% identifying as people pleasers compared to 42% of men.
How do you fix people-pleasing in your sex life?
To put an end to people-pleasing in your intimate life, it’s important to talk to your partner as “a truly satisfying sex life requires both people to feel seen, heard and valued,” Giolitti-Wright told Newsweek. Get to the root of where your people-pleasing behavior comes from.
“People-pleasing often originates in childhood, particularly in those who grew up feeling that love or safety was conditional. Understanding this can help a person begin to separate past survival patterns from present-day relationships,” the romance coach advised.
To address people-pleasing behaviors, start by practicing setting boundaries. Get comfortable saying “no” to intimate acts that make you feel uncomfortable, and build your confidence in asserting your needs. Instead of seeking validation from your partner, shift towards tuning into your own feelings by asking yourself, “What do I truly want in this moment?” This internal awareness will help you prioritize your own desires.
Additionally, learning to express both sexual and emotional needs openly is crucial, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. Honest conversations about pleasure, consent, and comfort can ultimately strengthen intimacy. Finally, cultivating self-worth independent of external approval will allow you to prioritize your needs without fear or guilt, recognizing your inherent value in all areas of your life.
“Many people pleasers subconsciously tie their self-worth to how well they meet others’ needs. Exploring personal passions, practicing self-compassion and working with a therapist can help shift this mindset,” Giolitti-Wright shared.
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