How To Deal With Mismatched Sex Drives
One’s A Nympho, One’s A Napper — 4 Ways To Handle A Mismatched Sex Drive With Your Partner
If getting your partner to have sex feels like an act of tug-of-war, you may both be struggling with sexual desire discrepancy, or differing sex drives. It occurs when one partner desires sex more frequently or intensely than the other. Now, don’t panic. There are ways that you both can work together to resolve the issue and it’s a pretty common challenge that many couples encounter, according to professional therapist Katie Manser.
In an article for Allure published Feb. 14, Manser explained that many couples experience a sex drive “mismatch” throughout their relationship due to our libidos fluctuating daily. Those sexual energy dips become even more of a challenge if your partner is stressed out, having self-esteem issues or possibly taking medication that can disrupt their sex drive, but it shouldn’t be the straw that breaks your entire relationship.
“Many couples fear sexual desire discrepancy as if it’s the grim reaper for their relationship,” Manser says. “Yet, in my experience, rare is the relationship that has two people perfectly synced with their sexual arousal and desire.”
1. Communication is key.
If you and your partner are having difficulty in the sex department, the most important thing you must do to rectify the situation is communicate. If you are the person with the higher sex drive, tell your partner that you desire more intimacy. While it may be challenging, try to investigate why your partner may be struggling with their sex drive. Do they enjoy having sex? Is there a disconnect in the relationship? Ask questions.
Sometimes your partner may not even know there is a sexual mismatch present. That was the case for Kiana, a 26-year-old artist from NYC. Kiana told Allure that when she finally worked up enough courage to chat with her boyfriend about his low libido, he didn’t even “notice” that it was an issue.
“Truthfully, I don’t even think my partner noticed the mismatch in sex drives until I chose to have a conversation with them about it, which turned out to be quite tense,” she revealed.
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2. Don’t take it personally.
Dr. Abby Medcalf says it’s important not to jump to conclusions about why your partner might be struggling with a low sex drive. You could bring more stress to the situation if you’re quick to believe that the reason they don’t want to have sex is related to you.
“For example, if you’re the person who wants more sex, you likely say to yourself: ‘My partner doesn’t find me attractive,’ or ‘They don’t care about me anymore,’” the relationship expert wrote in an article posted in 2021. “Your partner’s lack of interest might have absolutely nothing to do with you. It’s likely a lot more about how they’re feeling about themselves than about how they feel about you. You’re just filling in the blanks and deciding something with absolutely no proof of this (except what you’ve made up in your head).”
3. Create a comfortable and intimate space for your partner.
Reignite your connection by prioritizing your partner’s needs and working together to restore your sexual relationship. Listen to what they need, engage in meaningful conversations, and create experiences that allow you both to learn more about each other. Take on new activities as a team, whether it’s a fun date or exploring a new hobby. According to Dr. Medcalf, when you learn something new together, your brain releases oxytocin, a bonding hormone that strengthens intimacy.
Make sure to put your partner’s needs ahead of distractions like work or other obligations. Small acts of kindness go a long way in showing love and appreciation.
Don’t overlook the importance of foreplay. Leading up to intimacy can be as significant as the act itself, if your partner is comfortable with it. Prioritize the emotional and physical connection that deepens over time.
4. Know when to reevaluate the relationship.
However, if you’ve tried all of these tips and still find yourself in a cycle of constant arguments and emotional distance, it may be time to reflect on your relationship. A 2020 study on sexual desire discrepancy found that when either or both partners feel distressed by the situation, it can become a serious issue, often requiring professional consultation. It’s crucial to recognize that any imbalance in sexual desire should never justify emotional or physical abuse. For example, when one partner feels entitled to sex and pressures the other, it creates an unhealthy dynamic. Continually asking or guilt-tripping a partner into sex is considered sexual coercion, a form of abuse that only worsens the disconnect and damage to the relationship.
Take care of your emotional and physical well-being, and ensure the relationship remains based on mutual respect and understanding.
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