How Exactly To Break Up With Your Therapist

Therapy is an important aspect of a wellness routine. By having a good relationship with the right therapist, you can gain valuable insights, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and experience emotional healing that can transform your life. Therapy is a very, very good thing. Except when it isn’t.

Sometimes, your relationship with your therapist or the treatment you’re receiving just isn’t working for you. Instead of making you feel better, you end your sessions feeling worse or feeling nothing at all and you may be thinking that it’s time to call it quits.

Is it okay to break up with your therapist?

“If you truly don’t feel at home with your therapist, it may just mean you haven’t found the right one yet, and that’s totally normal,” Amanda Mbata, LCSW, a relational therapist based in Raleigh, North Carolina and owner of Living Waters Counseling and Wellness Center, tells Elev8. “[People] can feel like they owe the therapist their loyalty once they’ve chosen them. But in reality, the therapist works for you, not the other way around.”

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Some people may feel guilty about ending therapy, thinking that it means failure or that they’ve given up. But there are multiple reasons why it might be time to say goodbye. Maybe you’ve reached a reasonable end to your treatment. Or maybe you find you’re not being challenged in ways you feel you need. Your therapist may not be trained in a particular mode of therapy that works for you or they don’t share your values. Maybe you can’t afford sessions anymore or maybe you and your therapist just don’t click.

It’s crucial to recognize if you and your therapist aren’t aligned in understanding your unique experiences (especially as Black patients, especially in this current political climate). But if things aren’t working out, how do you know it’s time to break things off with your therapist? And what’s the right way to do it?

“It’s important to reflect on what’s not feeling right. Before you make any decisions, try discussing your concerns with your therapist. They can help you understand what might be happening and adjust the approach if needed,” Mbata suggests, emphasizing that therapy isn’t always easy and sometimes it takes time to establish a rapport with your doctor. If it’s early in your treatment, she recommends giving the relationship sufficient time to feel natural and develop a strong connection. “I always tell people that after the fifth session, you will know if there is a flow and a connection with your therapist.”

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Finding a groove with your therapist can be a process of trial and error. There’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to mental health care, some sessions will be better than others. But just because it’s hard doesn’t mean you should give up right away. “We have to check our motives and make sure we’re not just running away from our process,” Mbata says, emphasizing that feeling challenged by a therapist is normal and sometimes the conversations had along the healing journey can feel uncomfortable. “If you run to another therapist, [tough conversations] will likely come up again.”

But ending therapy can also be a step toward necessary healing. Walking away from a relationship that’s not working can be an act of self-care and empowerment, not an indictment of either the client or therapist. If after exploring your feelings and trying to talk it out, you still feel like your therapist is not the right fit, it’s okay to seek out a different therapist or even explore other forms of support that might be better aligned with your needs.

When you decide to leave your therapist, Mbata suggests breaking the news in person, during a session, over a call, or even via email. But sometimes, depending on the circumstances surrounding your choice to cease treatment– if you sense animosity between you and your therapist or if you don’t feel safe–it’s best to just walk away and have a clean break. “I’ve had clients, and have been the client myself, who simply choose not to show up anymore,” she says.

It’s normal to feel conflicted about walking away, especially if you’ve built a connection with your therapist over time. A relationship with a therapist can be one of the most intimate relationships in your life. But remember that therapists are professionals who understand that sometimes, despite a good connection, it’s okay if the fit isn’t right. They won’t take it personally. Sometimes, therapists can even decide that a client isn’t a good fit for them either! As Mbata says, “We have to remember that, at the end of the day, we are all people, and you’re not going to like everyone you encounter.”

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After breaking up with your therapist, what do you do next? What steps should you take to continue your healing journey? Mbata recommends doing some research on new therapists with online tools like Psychology Today to save yourself some time, money, and frustration before connecting with a new mental health professional. Your current therapist may even be able to suggest a replacement that’s right for you.

You can also take some time to explore other methods of mental health support outside of therapy. Self-help books, journaling, and meditation are affordable and accessible ways to focus on your mental health. You can also lean on your community for emotional support while you’re on the hunt for a new therapist.

Whatever you choose, be proud of yourself for advocating for your mental health and being empowered to make choices that align with your needs, even if that means letting go of someone who no longer serves you in order to find what does. “The right therapy can take time,” Mbata says. “But it can be worth it when you find the right support.”

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