11 Tips To Master Small Talk – For Ladies Who Don't Do Small Talk

2. Reframe the Boring Questions

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Once you think of your simple icebreaker question you can start to work on the ways that you ask them. The way to reframe a question is to turn it from information-based to instead provoke feelings or thoughts and judgement. 

University of Chicago psychology professor Nicholas Epley said, “It might seem hard to reframe questions in a way that’s vulnerable, but it’s actually pretty easy once you start looking for it.” 

Instead of just asking “Where are you from” you can ask “What’s the best thing about where you grew up?”

CNBC contributor Charles Duhigg said, “You can also transform an icebreaker question like “Where do you work” to “What’s the best part of your job” 

3. Focus on the Person You Are Speaking With

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As you engage in conversation with the person don’t get wrapped up in how you are coming off. Instead focus on the person, tune into what they are saying and “everything else will come naturally.”

Bowe said, “If you’re not up in your head, you’re more likely to be aware of your surroundings and the occasion that’s brought you there. This is good. Make your comments fit the moment and connect to the person you’re talking to, and you’ll both be OK.”

4. Use ‘Support Responses’

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Another skill to use when having small talk with someone is to have responses that support the conversation. If someone is telling a story make sure to ask questions that suggest you want to know more information. 

Stanford University lecture and communications expert Matt Abrahams explained the importance of a support response instead of misusing a shift one. 

 “So many people make the mistake of treating other people’s stories as openings for them to talk about themselves,” he said. “But if you do that often, you miss an opportunity to learn more.” 

While someone tells you a story you can ask questions like “Wow, what happened next” or “How did you feel when that happened” as a support response. A shift response would be someone talking about an annoying neighbor and your response being to talk about your own annoying neighbor. But what you should have done is ask your conversation partner more about their situation. 

You don’t have to avoid using shift responses completely, just use it in the right time. Abrahams wrote, “In the right context, it is fine to use shift responses — other people want to learn about us, and we don’t want to come across as withdrawn or secretive.”

5. Body Language

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Use your body to ensure the other person feels like you are interested and paying attention. One way to do that is to nod more according to Abrahams 

“People who have a higher EQ are more open in their posture, they are nodding more,” Abrahams said

But that’s not all, you can also use your words.  Abrahams said responses “like “uh-huh” and “I see” help the person feel you are listening as well. 

6. Match The Other Person’s Energy

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During your conversation, try to pay attention to the energy the other person is giving off. If they are excited while chatting about their subject, try to have the same expression. 

7. Avoid Controversial Topics

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When you are starting off a conversation with someone try to avoid those deep subjects. No need to get into topics like abortion or climate change so early on. It’s fine if conversations get to that point later on. However, due to their debatable nature, you want to start off smooth with the person before entering rocky topics. 

8. Have Questions Ready

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TV Veteran SuChin Pak said it’s rare that she runs into a problem of not knowing what to say to someone. But if it happens she has a few questions that she keeps in mind to get conversions flowing. 

There are at least two questions she is ready to use if needed: “What do you want people to get out of what you’re doing?” and “How did you start doing X?” 

These questions are universal enough to apply to anyone in any field and could get some good responses. 

Pak said having the questions in mind brings her ease “because I don’t feel like I have to constantly think of the most intelligent thing to say.”

9. Ask for Advice

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Another good conversation starter would be to ask for advice. A study from Harvard University and the University of Pennsylvania shows that people like being asked for their advice. 

Again, questions do not have to be profound. It could be as simple as asking someone’s advice on how to make a recipe better or how to get more active. 

10. Don’t Interrupt

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This probably goes without saying but when your conversation partner is talking be mindful enough to not interrupt. 

Bowe said to wait for there to be a slight pause or hush in the conversation before interjecting. He said, “Then once you have someone’s attention and, ideally, receive a non-verbal go-ahead, that’s your chance.”

11. Put Up Your Phone

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Another thing Bowe advised is to put your phone away. With text messages, social media and emails ringing away with notifications, it’s easy to get distracted in conversation. If you aren’t in the middle of something urgent, try putting your phone away to be more engaged into the other person speaking. 

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