Survivor Sophia Strother Talks Dangers Of DV & How To Get Help

 

MadameNoire spoke exclusively with Sophia Strother, a survivor of domestic violence and human trafficking that unfortunately started at the hands of her birth parents. Sophia has transformed her pain into purpose, becoming a powerful advocate and a multi-million dollar entrepreneur. Her work in raising awareness and providing resources for survivors, some of which can be found below, is commendable. In this interview, she shares her story of tragedy to triumph, what has helped her to survive and thrive, and how she’s empowering others to rise above their past.

MadameNoire: Let’s talk about the origins of your story. It’s deeply personal and rooted in pain. Please tell us how you went from victim to victor.

Sophia Strother: Both of my parents played a role in destroying the fabric of what I thought should have been innocence. It really started with my father at the time, he was going through a very tremendous drug addiction. This was in the late 80s, early 90s, where the East Coast, especially New York, was being flooded with drugs. I had two working class parents. I always say it’s not about people that were pouring in the hood and in the ghetto, because I never lived in either of those. My father was an engineer for a gas company. My mother was an LVN (licensed vocational nurse), so they had had very great jobs. I was born into homeowners, and unfortunately, my father just could not handle his addiction, and so at a very young age, while my mother worked nights, my father would molest me. He really introduced me to an understanding that my only existence was to just please men, that I had no voice, and told me that the way that people show their love was what he was showing me. That’s where my introduction at the age of nine came into play: through watching inappropriate videos and acting out the things that I saw on television on him, and that,  we couldn’t tell my mom, because it was our secret. But he was letting me know that this is how people love each other.

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So, from the age of nine, I was really bred to believe that sex was the integral part of all relationships, not just an intimate relationship, but all relationships. Primarily, my only voice was to please men. Unfortunately, that went on for about two years, and then my step-grandfather started to sexually harass me, and that’s why I do a lot of teaching on, young girls [sitting] on men’s laps, and the way that they interact with them, and not to take for granted that [these men] are family. Because [my step-grandfather] would bounce me on his lap, and hold me and my breasts. That was his way of fondling me. He would talk about his escapades with other women that he was cheating on my grandmother with at the time and again, I really didn’t have any perception of who to tell. My parents didn’t go to church. So, it’s not like I had that moral compass. And unfortunately, when I was introduced to church, all kind of shenanigans were happening in the church to where there were grown men harassing girls, and I was also molested and sexually harassed in church, probably around the age of 10 to about 13.

Unfortunately passed away when I was 13. He decided to leave my mother and get clean. In the process of him getting clean, he had a withdrawal seizure behind the wheel, and he died in a horrific fire. My mother moved us to Texas into a small town, Marlin Texas. Then, through her own addiction, which she just could not cope with the loss of my father, she became very heavily hooked on drugs and started to groom me at a very young age, as I say, basically, to be the breadwinner. I became the main source of income for my family. I had two younger brothers as well. My mother had two kids after that, and I was led to believe that it was incumbent upon me to go out and to make the money, to make sure that we had food and a roof over our heads. That came with terrible deeds, and at that time, I honestly didn’t realize what was going on. I didn’t see my mom as my pimp, so I never did an outcry at that time. I just became a habitual liar because I didn’t want anybody to know that I had to do various different acts in order to feed my family or to make sure that we still had a roof over our heads. For years, I didn’t even self identify as being trafficked, because I didn’t want to speak a truth that my mother was behind it. I didn’t want to speak a truth of what my father was behind and I really blamed myself for all the things that I had to do.

 

I learned to compartmentalize very, very well. A lot of us that’s been in the life had a whole different personality. I had a name for her. That was the one that had to go out there and get that money, and that was to protect me, to a certain degree.

I ended up having my son while I was trafficked as well. It wasn’t a situation of my own accord, and it was by somebody that was selling drugs to my mother at the time. I had a child at 15 years of age, but it was through having my son, while I was being trafficked, that really allowed me the wherewithal to want to leave and get away. I just felt that I had something else to live for at that point. So, on October 21, 1995 I packed up my three month old son and left my mom. I moved back to Massachusetts with my grandmother. But that really is what started the downhill spiral of domestic violence relationships, because I had no sense of dignity or self esteem. I was really bred to feel as though I was only good enough to be on my back. I was only good enough to take care of men, and that was it. I entered into relationships with men that were five to 10, to 20 years older than me. Maybe because those were the Johns that my mom had linked me up with. Even my middle son’s father was 11 years older than me, my ex husband was 20 years older than me. That’s all that I knew. And even though those were very unhealthy relationships as well, I always thought it was me. I thought I was the problem. That manifested itself via multiple different relationship types, whether it was physical domestic violence or mental and emotional abuse, which people don’t talk about enough. People really equate domestic violence relationships with truly just being physical, but domestic violence relationships starts with the mind. A way to get people engulfed, to stay without physical shackles, is to have the mind manipulated, to where you feel as though it is your fault that they act the way that they do, or because they love you so much, is why they do what they do. But there’s a mental component to domestic violence that we don’t harp on enough, and that had me in and out of very violent relationships for about a decade, until I was about 36 and I just was at a point where I was like, I’m done with any and all interactions that I have with men, whether it was my oldest son who, at the time, was everything that I hated in men at that point because he was violent with women. We did were not on the same page at all.

I was very oppressed. I always said I had a “build-a bear” spirit. I could build a man up real good, put money, time and energy into him and get him ready for sale. Because he was going to be gone, whether he cheated on me or I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired: he was now prepped and ready for the next woman. I just finally got to a point where I just was done.

It really took a woman by the name of Cheryl Alexander, my therapist, to help me. During our first session, she leaned in ever so slightly and said, “Sophia? When is enough going to be enough?” She told me that I have to start taking accountability for the choices that I’m making in a hurt place. I had never really looked at it like that. I had made so many decisions in a hurt place, and I was blaming myself, the shame, the guilt, survivors, guilt for even for making it out alive. I know other women that didn’t make it out alive, including one of my good friends, Linda. There’s just so many people that didn’t make it out, and then I blamed myself, “I made it out but what did I do to deserve it?”

I had to start taking accountability for the fact that I saw the red flags, and I ignored them because I thought I could fix somebody, because I truly wanted to be fixed. I thought if I fixed them, they would reciprocate and help to fix me. I really had to get in a space where I needed to be by myself so I could deal with Sophia and a lot of the childhood issues that were permeating through all of these decisions that I was making, regardless of being successful in business, being able to get an education and a Master’s degree. At the end of the day, none of that meant anything, because I kept going from one toxic relationship to another, almost as if I was intoxicated by the toxicity of my relationships, and I had to really become sober to the trauma and drama of my life.

MadameNoire: What steps can people take to prepare themselves to break free from trauma bonds and unhealthy relationships?

A lot of things you have to do in secret. I just have to be very transparent about that. They can’t openly be looking for ways to get out, because if you’re being trafficked, as soon as your trafficker or your recruiter (whoever got you in the life) finds out about it, they can be very violent or threaten your life. Same thing with domestic violence. Most women that end up dying are because they’re on their way out, or they’ve gotten out. So, you have to do things in secret. Some things you can do are

• Learn how to delete your search history if you’re going to be looking for resources to leave,
• Delete your search history in your browser immediately,
• Do things on a “Private tab”, if at all possible,
• Look for different advocacy centers and/or shelters in your community that you can go to
• If you do leave, find out about sexual assault detectives that might be in your community because they might have resources for you as well,
• Dial or text 988 to talk with someone on a suicide or crisis line,
• Dial or text 211 to talk with someone in mental health or essential community services. It’s another way that you can find resources,
• Google/visit the website FindHelp.org to find free or reduced-cost resources like food, housing, financial assistance, health care, and more. Simply input your zip code an it’ll pull up a list of all of those resources in your community. That’s available for anywhere in the United States.
• Text “BE FREE” (233733), a resource that can help you with human trafficking or sexual assault resources

MadameNoire: What would you like to leave our audience with about the power of awareness, intervention and the journey of survival?

Be gentle with yourself. Don’t suppress your emotions or try to distract yourself by staying busy. Don’t tell people, “I’m good,” especially within our community. “I’m good” can mean so many different things. Often, it takes reading someone’s body language and tone to truly understand how they’re feeling. It’s okay not to be okay.

Personally, I had to step back from my local church for a few weeks. I couldn’t keep putting on the front of, “How are you, sis?” followed by “I’m blessed and highly favored.” I love God, and Jesus is my Savior, but I needed a break even from church interactions that felt shallow. When people didn’t see me for weeks, no one texted or called, but as soon as I was back, they were all, “We love you, sis.” I realized I needed space from that. I needed time to be alone with myself, without the noise of other people, to just be with God and process my emotions. I needed to feel everything—good and bad—and accept it.

At some point, I had to tell myself, “Enough, Sophia.” Talking to yourself can be healthy. It’s part of my three-phase “Learning to Excel” restoration strategy that God gave me. The first step is to stop and catch your breath. When you do, you recognize that the mind matters, but the mouth disrupts. There’s real power in the tongue, holding life and death. You can speak negativity into your life, or you can lift yourself out of despair. That’s the time to start speaking positivity over yourself. Even if you’re not okay, you can say, “Just today, I’m enough.” I did this when I decided to close my business. I had to affirm that I was worth enough to turn down a multimillion-dollar contract and take on $400,000 in debt. My life and well-being were more valuable than any financial gain.

Sometimes, you have to bet on yourself and see the challenges as temporary. For me, this meant understanding that I’m more than just financial success or outward appearances. Much of my success had been about proving my mother or father wrong, proving I was more than what they said I was. I spent so much time trying to disprove the hurtful things my parents said about me that I lost sight of my own dreams and desires.

Now, in this time of rest, I’m discovering what *I* want out of life, not what others said I couldn’t achieve or what they thought I would become. And I want to say to everyone listening: what do *you* want in this space of your life? Don’t let anyone who hurt you steal any more of your future. They’ve already taken enough. Don’t give them more.

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