12 Ways You May Be Ruining Your Sex Life

Feeling unsatisfied in the bedroom lately? In a recent article from the Guardian published earlier this month, health experts suggested a low libido and lack of sex might be tied to everyday life and relationship issues, such as neglecting household tasks, having a messy room, or notably, being overly affectionate with your partner. Yes, you read that right. Here are twelve ways you may be ruining your sex life and how you can get back on track to maintaining a healthy level of intimacy with your partner.

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1. Give Your Home Or Room A Deep Clean Before Sex

Studies show that having a messy and disorganized room or home can increase stress and anxiety levels, leading to scatterbrained and depression, Web MD notes. According to Portia Brown, a sex educator, all of these feelings can disrupt your libido, making you less focused on achieving pleasure with your partner. 

Decluttering your home and cleaning your space can help boost your libido and relax your nerves before engaging in intimacy with your partner. Cam Fraser, a men’s sex coach advised for folks struggling with low sex energy to treat their homes “like a little sanctuary,” free from stresses and distractions so that you can feel instantly relaxed and ready to be intimate in it.” 

Fraser added to the Guardian, “How do you create a sexual sanctuary? Take five minutes to declutter before initiating sex – if you’ve got dirty clothes on the bed or the washing has to be put away, at least put everything in a cupboard, close its door, and make the bed – and don’t talk shopping lists or the school pickup in bed.” A clean room helps the mind and body thrive.

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2. Minimize Cuddling

Cuddling triggers the release of oxytocin, a hormone produced in the hypothalamus and released by the pituitary gland. Often referred to as the “love hormone,” oxytocin plays a key role in childbirth and promotes positive feelings similar to endorphins and serotonin, Harvard Health notes. It has been shown to reduce stress and anxiety and positively influence social behaviors, such as relaxation, trust, and psychological stability. However, some health experts suggest that excessive cuddling can lead to an overstimulated sympathetic nervous system, which may result in feelings of apathy, boredom, or dissociation.

In essence, maintaining a certain distance is crucial for preserving the eroticism in relationships. Natasha Silverman, a sex and relationship therapist at Relate, emphasizes the importance of communicating with your partner about your need for space versus the times when intimacy is appropriate

“It’s a really unhealthy cycle for both people and it can feel very emotionally damaging for the person who needs more connection,” Silverman said.

The sex guru reassured that feeling smothered by your partner is a normal experience and not something to worry about. She emphasized that achieving the right balance between love and intimacy is essential for both partners to feel valued and understood.

“You’re not broken and the relationship is probably OK – you’re going through a very normal process,” Silverman added.

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3. Lack Of Communication

Effective communication is essential for enhancing intimacy in your relationship. Health experts emphasize that discussing new ideas in the bedroom can lead to exciting experiences. You might start the conversation playfully with a suggestive joke or explore new forms of intimacy, like gentle caressing. However, it’s important to strike a balance, as one partner may be less receptive than the other, according to clinical psychologist Karen Gurney. 

If you’re unsure whether your approach is resonating with your partner, have an open discussion about how you initiate intimacy and the frequency of these moments. Encourage your partner to share their preferences and be receptive to any suggestions they offer for improvement.

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4. Minimize Pet Distractions

It might seem unusual, but focusing too much on your pet can lead to jealousy and distraction during intimate moments. Create a dedicated space where your pet isn’t present to help maintain your connection. “Given that attention is so crucial for sex, anything that disrupts it – like noticing the dog has jumped on to the bed – can really get in the way of our sexual response,” Gurney notes. This is particularly relevant for those with casual partners, who may not expect a pet to be part of the scene during intimate encounters.

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5. Time Your Workouts Wisely

Engaging in intense exercise just before intimacy can sap your energy and libido. To ensure you’re fully present and energized for your partner, try to time your workouts earlier in the day. According to WebMD, a session of 30 minutes of sex can burn around 85 to 100 calories, making it a great way to stay active while also enjoying your time together.

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6. Timing Your Intimacy

Consider prioritizing when you engage in sexual activity. Health experts recommend having sex before a substantial meal, like breakfast or dinner, to enhance blood flow to the genitals, which can stimulate arousal rather than diverting energy to digestion.

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7. High Blood Pressure Can Impact Your Libido

If you have high blood pressure, it could be affecting blood flow to your genitals and lowering testosterone levels, a hormone crucial for libido, according to Dr. Emilia Pasiah, a family physician in Los Angeles. To improve your blood pressure, focus on a balanced diet low in salt, increase physical activity, limit alcohol intake, and quit smoking. It’s also wise to discuss potential medications with your doctor.

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8. Take Gradual Steps Toward Exploration

When trying new sexual activities or positions, take gradual steps. Emily Jamea, a sex and relationship therapist and author of Anatomy of Desire, advises that pushing too far outside your comfort zone can trigger stress hormones, leading to anxiety and inhibiting enjoyment. She suggests creating “Yes, no, maybe” lists separately, then comparing them to find overlapping interests. Start with the less intimidating options and gradually work your way up together.

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9. Embrace A Sexual Growth Mindset

Adopting a sexual growth mindset is essential for nurturing your intimate connection. This mindset acknowledges that sexual exploration can evolve over time and encourages open communication and willingness to learn together.

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10. Maintain Your ‘Sexual Currency”

Touch, kissing, and caressing are vital for a healthy sex life, contributing to what you might call your “sexual currency.” If this currency feels low, have an open conversation with your partner about ways to keep your sex life active and playful, ensuring that both of your needs are met.

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11. Try New Things In The Bedroom

If you’re not exploring new experiences outside of the bedroom, it could be impacting your intimacy. Research shows that partners who share fresh, non-sexual activities are 36 times more likely to engage in sex than those who don’t. While cozy nights in pajamas can be nice, relying solely on those moments may make it challenging to spark the same level of excitement and passion in your sex life. Consider seeking out new adventures together to reignite that connection.

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12. Be Open To Feedback In The Sack

Being receptive to feedback in the bedroom is crucial for a fulfilling sexual relationship. Encourage open communication with your partner about what feels good, what doesn’t, and what they might like to try. Approach these conversations with curiosity rather than defensiveness. This openness fosters trust and intimacy, allowing both partners to explore their desires and preferences more freely. Remember, the goal is mutual pleasure, so be willing to listen, learn, and adapt to each other’s needs.

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