The Tolyamory Dating Trend Is Growing

Would you try tolyamory? It’s a new dating trend emerging where an individual turns a blind eye to their spouse or partner’s infidelity. 

The term, coined by relationship expert and author Dan Savage in January, refers to a dynamic where one partner tacitly accepts the other’s occasional infidelities. However, according to Medium, tolyamory isn’t defined by explicit agreements or shared experiences. It relies on unspoken understanding and a focus on strengthening the primary relationship. The tolerant partner isn’t expected to encourage their love one’s behavior or be informed about their romantic or sexual escapades; they simply choose not to ask.

“Tolyamory often emerges as a compromise when partners have mismatched desires for sex or monogamy. It’s a way of acknowledging human complexity without dismantling the primary relationship,” the website notes.

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Some individuals are choosing to let their partners pursue pleasure outside their relationship to preserve the quality of life they’ve built together.

This approach was exemplified by Kathy, who has been married for over 30 years. In an interview with the Daily Mail, Kathy shared that she consented to her husband having sexual relationships with six other women after she started experiencing complications from endometriosis and perimenopause, the transitional phase leading up to menopause, when a woman’s body begins to shift from its reproductive years toward menopause, according to Hopkins Medicine.

During perimenopause, the ovaries gradually produce less estrogen, resulting in fluctuating hormone levels, which often brings a range of symptoms, including irregular menstrual cycles, mood swings, sleep disturbances and a decrease in libido. 

“I was feeling tired, bloated and utterly out of sorts, but instead of being understanding, he let me have both barrels,” Kathy said. “He said we’d only had sex a handful of times that year, and then said, ‘Well, I hope you don’t expect me to never sex again.’”

She continued, “At the time I didn’t think much of it, but I now realize this was his way of telling me he would be satisfying his libido elsewhere.”

Kathy knowingly let her husband get his rocks off, noting how it was the price she was willing to pay to maintain her marriage and their “beautiful home” together. However, her experience with the viral dating trend came with a few drawbacks as it took a toll on her self worth at times.

“Living this way has also eroded my self-worth to the point where I no longer feel I have the strength to start again on my own,” Kathy added. “The truth is, I don’t want to leave my home and my life — why should I have to leave because of his behavior?”

Without open communication, tolyamory can sometimes lead to feelings of jealousy and emotional difficulties within a relationship. For this reason, many couples interested in exploring relationships outside their primary partnership may choose to pursue consensual non-monogamy (CNM) instead. CNM is an umbrella term encompassing various relationship styles where individuals openly engage in multiple romantic or sexual relationships, with the full knowledge and enthusiastic consent of everyone involved. This approach is grounded in principles of open communication, transparency, and mutual agreement.

Polyamory, a form of CNM, has become increasingly popular in the U.S. 

A 2021 study analyzing data from a diverse national sample of 3,438 single adults in the U.S. found that approximately one in six (16.8 percent) expressed a desire to be polyamorous, one in nine (10.7 percent) had been polyamorous at some point, and around one in 15 (6.5 percent) knew someone who was or is polyamorous. The findings suggest that the desire for polyamory is as common among Americans as the desire to move to another country, and the proportion of those who have experienced polyamory is comparable to those holding a graduate degree in the U.S. Among those who had been polyamorous, 30.4 percent indicated they would consider it again, while 21.1 percent felt they were “too possessive to cope.”

Would you consider exploring other forms of monogamy with your partner?

RELATED CONTENT: Should Polyamory Be The Goal For Black Women?