Ten Things I Wish I'd Known Before Turning 50

Sunblock isn’t just for white women

Source: Jacob Wackerhausen / Getty

The melanin in our skin protects us from the damaging effects of the sun. Many women I know don’t use sunscreen. For decades, I didn’t, either. I was blessed with a healthy curiosity about skincare and good genetics. “Black don’t crack and Asian don’t raisin.” It doesn’t until it does. Black does crack, it just happens later. Sun damage, also called photoaging, is the number one cause of wrinkles, fine lines, uneven skin tone, and skin cancer. When we see a woman with beautiful skin, she is either under 30 or is someone who limits her sun exposure, wears a hat on the beach, and uses sunscreen religiously.

Play is therapeutic

Source: Deagreez / Getty

In my thirties, I biked and rollerbladed. In my forties, I learned how to surf, and now, in my fifties, I have taken up skateboarding (again). Physical play reduces stress, releases endorphins, and can help reset an exhausted mind. Play is about the movement of energy. It boosts our creativity, develops our motor skills, and can even improve our social skills when we are participating in group activities. One of the reasons why our bodies stop functioning optimally is because we don’t move them. If going to the gym feels like a chore, another way to benefit from exercise is by getting outside and doing something that requires you to use your body.

Strength is Overrated

Source: Rawpixel / Getty

Much of my self-identity has been wrapped up in being strong. I was always jumping into situations that weren’t mine to solve. Fighting fights that weren’t mine to fight. The “strong Black woman” archetype will drive your health into the ground. It took until I was in my fifties to fully accept that I didn’t need to carry the world on my back and, more importantly, that I didn’t want to do it anymore. As we age our bodies produce increasing levels of cortisol in response to stress. High levels of cortisol, a steroid produced by our adrenal glands, when combined with the hormonal changes of menopause, will lead to chronic tiredness, inflammation, and weight gain. One of the ways we can protect ourselves from this is by learning that we don’t need to respond to every crisis that comes our way. As a friend of mine likes to say, “Not my monkeys, not my circus.”

SEE ALSO

• Celebrity Hairstylist Dee Michelle Talks Hair Health & Her Invisible K-Tip Method
• 5 Beyoncé Hairstyles To Complete Your ‘Cowboy Carter’ Tour Look
• Gym Etiquette 101: 10 Rules Every Respectful Member Should Follow
• Boop, There It Is! Tony Nominee Jasmine Amy Rogers Is Making History As Broadway’s First Black Betty Boop — And She’s Just Getting Started [Exclusive]
• Love Or Liability? How Romantic Relationships Really Impact Your Wallet

Self-care truly is an act of resistance

Source: EyeEm Mobile GmbH / Getty

I developed a love of beauty and spa treatments in my twenties and, by my thirties, was a devotee. Weekly pedicure? Check. Monthly facials. Check. Regular massages? Yes please. Today, self-care has been redefined from a largely exterior-focused practice to one that addresses my entire self. My self-care ritual now includes prayer, meditation, breathwork, eating more whole foods, and logging off of social media. Self-care is a holistic practice that extends beyond the physical.

Your relationship with your body will change.

Source: Lisa5201 / Getty

When I was younger, I always used to compare my body to that of other women. There were things about it that I loved, and things that I wished were different. From my father, I was blessed with long, lean muscles. From my mother I inherited a small behind that no amount of squatting and lunging would ever make more prominent than a speed bump. In our society, we are taught to obsessively fixate on our perceived shortcomings and take for granted the things our bodies do for us. After decades of stress and overwork I developed severe chronic pain that led me to have multiple surgeries. After spending hundreds of hours treating it, I made a vow to never take my health for granted again. More important than looking good is feeling good. I’m no longer trying to boost my confidence by fitting into a slinky dress or receiving the appreciative glance of another. Don’t get me wrong: I still want to look good, however as we age, our bodies will become different no matter how much effort we put into our appearance. Instead of being resentful about this natural process, embrace it.

Less is more

Source: EyeEm Mobile GmbH / Getty

Much of our youth is spent accumulating furniture, jewelry, clothing, and books. Our stuff is largely how many define their self-worth. The more that we have, the happier we think we’ll be. Then one day you turn around and discover that your home has become a storage unit for all the things you couldn’t give up. Over the past decade I have helped at least three friends clear out their clutter. These were tasks that took months to complete. True security comes from within. Donate, give away, or throw out those things you no longer use today. You’ll thank me for it later.

F-boys will still be F-boys

Source: SeventyFour / Getty

We’re told that people grow up, and our partners or potential partners will start showing up correctly as they get older. Newsflash: time doesn’t mature a person. Many of the most toxic behaviors we see in younger men have nothing to do with maturity. Dishonesty, cheating, and other toxic behaviors are character traits that often have their roots in childhood trauma. If a person is a habitual liar in their twenties, they’ll still be doing the same thing in their fifties unless they get professional help and have circles of accountability around them. It’s never too late to change, but a person has to make a committed decision to look inside, find out why they’re engaging in these behaviors and then do the work to change. Ask me how I know. *sucks teeth*

You don’t have to suffer your way through menopause

Source: LSOphoto / Getty

At 51, I started getting the dreaded and often spoke about marker of middle age: hot flashes. Equally alarming were the anxiety attacks. Little annoyances, like a horn honking at me in traffic or an email received after hours, would plunge me into a loop of overthinking how to respond. For the first eight months, I white-knuckled my way through them out of fear that I would be impeding a natural process. I tried taking CBD oil (a naturally occurring substance in cannabis and hemp) as a remedy, and it greatly reduced my symptoms from four to five hot flashes an hour to that many in an entire day. When my hair started thinning, I made the leap to HRT after learning that the original study that linked them to an increased risk of cancer, stroke, and blood clots back in 2002 was flawed. The benefits were immense and immediate. Menopause can be miserable, but we don’t need to suffer through it. Your gynecologist or general practitioner can best direct you on how to relieve your symptoms.

Your sex drive will change

Source: Riska / Getty

A little discussed topic is how our sex drive changes as we get older. Although some don’t notice much of a difference, many experience a significant drop in libidos as we approach menopause. For some, this change may come as a relief. There is a freedom that comes with not being led by our instincts or worrying about pregnancy. In other cases, the drop is a problem, particularly if sex is a priority and we’re in a relationship. Studies show that women in relationships, middle age (35-64), and or depressed are more likely to be troubled by the lack of desire. Interestingly, the greatest determinant of a woman’s sexual satisfaction is their happiness overall in a relationship.

About The Author: Sil Lai Abrams

Sil Lai Abrams / Photo by Lucas von Flingern

Sil Lai Abrams is a storyteller, writer, and advocate currently working on her third book. A midlife maven on the other side of a midlife crisis, she embraces a mind-body approach to living and enjoys defying aging stereotypes while riding her skateboard. Follow her occasional musings on Instagram and Threads @sillaiabrams.