So You Not Into Your Partner’s Kinky-Ish; Now What?

Couple Trying To Hide In Blanket avoiding a kink

Source: AndreyPopov / Getty

Trying new things with your partner – or for your partner – is part of being in a relationship. From hobbies to healthy lifestyle changes to friend groups, we let our partners introduce us to all kinds of things. But, not all “new things” are created equal. If your partner has a sexual kink that you aren’t into, doing it anyways can leave you feeling uncomfortable and even violated. Trying golden showers to make a partner happy is much different than trying Ethiopian food.

According to SWNS Digital, 36 percent of Americans have a kink or a fetish. So the chances your partner has one are pretty good. But, what are you supposed to do if you aren’t into your partner’s kink? It’s a delicate subject and one that needs to be approached with soft, silky words instead of negging and spankings. So, you don’t want to try your partner’s kink. Here’s how to handle it.

Don’t Accept Pressure

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Don’t pressure yourself into doing your partner’s kink and certainly don’t accept pressure from them. If you do something in a sexual setting that you don’t want to do, then that is not consensual. And that’s a big problem. Even if you want to try and convince yourself you could like it with time, you know what you do and don’t enjoy.

Doing something you really don’t like in bed to please your partner will build resentment over time. It will also make it hard for you to relax during sex because you’ll constantly be wondering if or when your partner will request the thing you don’t like. If you know you don’t and can’t enjoy this kink, be firm and clear about that. And remember, you don’t have to like everything your partner likes – not their hobbies, their favorite TV shows or their kinks.

Avoid Shaming The Kink

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When you are telling your partner that you aren’t into their kink, don’t make them feel ashamed. Imagine if someone made a face like they just smelled a nasty fart when you told them what you liked in bed. It would practically ruin sex for you. You care about your partner and don’t want to make them feel bad – so remember that. In fact, thank them for being vulnerable enough to share their kink with you.

It can be useful to keep the focus on why the kink doesn’t work for you and what about it makes you uncomfortable. Use a lot of “I feel” statements so the conversation remains objective instead of judgmental.

Learn Why They Like The Kink

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Take the time to learn what your partner likes about the kink. Ask them what feelings the kink gives them and what dynamics arise during the kink that they enjoy. You might be able to find other sexual acts that appeal to those same desires. And remember, any great relationship relies on compromise. So you might need to compromise and find a kink you can both get into that scratches a similar itch as your partner’s other kink.

Find Out How Critical It Is

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You will need to find out if this kink is a must-have for your partner. Some people could live without their kinks. But, for some, life without their kink would just be miserable. If that’s the case for your partner, you’ll have to explore other ways they can satisfy it. Maye that’s through the porn they watch, or maybe it’s through something more advanced – like opening up the relationship.

Deciding if you’re ready to open up your relationship is a whole other ball game. But, if their kink doesn’t actually involve penetration or even private parts, you might not feel jealous if they do it with someone else.

All Parties Must Be Honest

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Ultimately, it’s important that nobody pretend to like something for the other or pretend they don’t need something that they do need. If you really are uncomfortable with your partner’s kink, don’t do it. If your partner can’t live without their kink, you’ll need to find some way they can still enact it. Any faking it or self-restriction on either person’s end can lead to resentment and emotional distance.

So You're Not Into Your Partner's Kinky-Ish; Now What?