5 Types Of Self-Punishment To Stop And What To Do Instead

Sad, lonely and depressed woman at window waiting, thinking and looking outside. Mental health, depression and anxiety, black woman with problem, stress or debt on her mind and life crisis feelings.

Source: PeopleImages / Getty

From a young age, you grow up around the idea that “bad” people should be punished. You saw it in news stories about criminals going to jail and crooked politicians making public, humiliating apologies. Maybe your parents punished you as a child when you misbehaved through time-outs or spankings. It’s one of the more antiquated ideas about self-improvement: make someone feel really bad about something they did, and they won’t do it again. The American Psychological Association has even shown that self-punishment can provide temporary relief from feelings of guilt. But that doesn’t make it healthy.

Modern behavioral psychologists see things differently. Mistakes should be an opportunity to learn and improve – not grounds for punishment. But if you were raised in a militant household where you were chastised instead of reasoned with after bad behavior, punishment can become a way of life. And, when you no longer have parents around to punish you, you might do it to yourself.

Here are five common forms of self-punishment plus a more productive way to handle disappointment.

Negative Thoughts

Sad mid adult woman in the kitchen at home

Source: FG Trade / Getty

After making a mistake at work or in any sort of task, you might self-punish by saying mean, condescending things about yourself. These can be thoughts like, “I’m so stupid” or “I’ll never amount to anything.” The subconscious idea is that if you make yourself feel bad enough, you’ll be motivated to never repeat the behavior.

Withholding Joy

Bored, depression and isolation with black woman lying on her sofa during lockdown, quarantine or pandemic. Mental health, anxiety and stress with young female thinking and looking out her window, staying home as form of self-punishment

Source: PeopleImages / Getty

When you were a kid, your parents grounded you if you got a bad grade. As an adult, you might ground yourself if you didn’t get that promotion. So you don’t go to dinner with your friends or on that weekend getaway. You don’t think you “deserve” joy or fun. It’s a common idea among self-punishers: that having fun is only for those who earned it.

Under Eating or Over Exercising

African American young sportswoman exercise by run on treadmill in gym. . Attractive beautiful athlete girl practice workout to maintain muscle and burn calorie for health wellbeing in fitness stadium

Source: Kiwis / Getty

If you’re trying to lose weight or simply be healthier, you might punish yourself for breaking your diet by skipping a meal or even fasting for a day. You could punish yourself for over eating by over exercising to the point of feeling faint or sick.

These forms of self-punishment can be tied to an eating disorder. If you participate in these, speak to a mental health professional about your relationship with food and exercise.

Dwelling On Past Mistakes

Source: Grace Cary / Getty

This form of self-punishment is nuanced. It can come up when you have actually excelled in something, but you don’t feel you deserve the praise that comes with it. To combat that, you might self-punish by dwelling in the times you didn’t excel. When a person struggles with severe self-esteem issues, accepting victories can be difficult – and can even trigger guilt. Then, this behavior of dwelling on past mistakes comes up.

Self-Punishment In A Relationship

Father and daughter talking in the living room

Source: FG Trade / Getty

Sometimes, we self-punish not because we let ourselves down, but because we let someone else down. This can show up in all sorts of relationships, including romantic, platonic and professional.

The most common form is to say negative things about yourself to the person you let down. It’s based on the idea that if they can see you feeling terrible, they will feel better. It’s a way of transferring the negative feelings they’re having (that you think you caused) to yourself.

Self-Punishment Vs Self-Reflection

Black woman with curly hair meditating at home

Source: The Attico Studio / Getty

Recognizing when you’ve made a mistake or when you simply let yourself down in some way, is a good thing. In fact, Frontiers reports that it’s an evolutionary trait. Our ancestors evolved to have a little spike of activity in the brain when they made a mistake, as a way of recognizing when to do things differently. Recognizing mistakes had life-or-death consequences for early humans. Those with more of this brain activity were more likely to learn from their mistakes, survive and procreate. Hence: we evolved to be a little hard on ourselves.

But, once you recognize a mistake, self-punishment just isn’t productive. You know you messed up, you already feel bad and there have likely already been consequences. You don’t need to pile onto all that with self-punishment. Flip the script, and see this as a chance to understand yourself better.

So you over indulged in cookies, messed up at work or upset your partner. The best way to prevent it from happening again is to understand why it happened in the first place. Self-punishment gets in the way of that self-reflection and is actually an obstacle to your desired outcome: not repeating the mistake. If you’re too busy dwelling in negative self-talk or punishment you don’t have the clarity to reflect.

Next time you let yourself or someone else down, be kind to yourself. Know that everyone – even people you believe to be perfect – makes mistakes. Now, calmly but critically assess what happened. What triggered the mistake? What events happened before? Why was it hard to do the “right” thing in that moment? Focus on facts not feelings. So you can recognize, “I over ate because I was sad about a bad date. I need to recognize I can be an emotional eater and find a better way to handle disappointment.” That is far more productive than saying, “I over ate because I’m powerless.”

The world is hard enough on you as it is. You need to be your biggest support system and cheerleader. Self-punishment isn’t healthy or productive. So ditch this behavior and instead focus on self-reflection when things don’t go your way.