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Everybody wants to be happy. That is an indisputable fact. Some might try to argue, “No, I want to be successful” or “No, I want to be healthy.” But ultimately, the underlying reason they want those things is because those things would make them feel happy. Whatever you’re pursuing right now in your career, in your relationships, in your health – you name it – you are pursuing so that you can unlock more feelings of happiness. Sometimes, you do that by adding good things to your life, and sometimes you do it by removing negative things. Either way, the pursuit of happiness is the universal and constant task of human beings.
Get this: research reported on in ScienceDirect found that most people don’t even know what would make them happy. Perhaps you’ve experienced this firsthand. You put a lot of time, energy, money into something you thought would make you happy, only to find that it didn’t. It’s a huge letdown. And a lot of those moments can be attributed to the fact that we’ve been lied to. Our families, society, the universe and beyond have all lied to us about what really makes a person happy. And sometimes, we lie to ourselves about it. Here are the lies we tell ourselves about how to be happy.
1.) A Leisure Life Is The Key To Happiness
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A lot of people complain of needing more free time, and believe that if they just didn’t have to do so much, they’d be happy. But it’s not that simple. First of all, the sweet spot for free time is between two and three hours a day, says the American Psychological Association. More than that and people start to deal with listlessness and depression. In fact, it’s the reason many people experience retirement blues. Humans need structure and purpose to feel happy.
How you spend free time matters, too. One survey published in PLOS ONE showed that people are happiest when they’re in something called “flow.” This describes a state of being completely absorbed in a task that you find challenging yet rewarding. In no way does watching The Real Housewives of Atlanta fit that description. So, in other words, free time only makes you happy if you convert it into doing something you find rewarding. And then it’s not even technically free time anymore.
2.) A Partner Will Make You Whole
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This is one of the most dangerous lies we’re told: that a romantic partner will fix our lives, make us whole and fulfill the role of partner, best friend and family. That expectation is a recipe for misery. One person cannot be everything and everyone to you. But the belief that they should be could lead you to stop putting time into your other relationships. And when it turns out your partner cannot replace your best friends, your mentor or your therapist, you’ll wind up disappointed in them and you’ll wind up lonely. Maintaining several close and fulfilling relationships in your life – including platonic ones – is important to experiencing joy.
3.) You Must Make Money Doing Something Rewarding
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When you’re young you have stars in your eyes and big ambitions. You want to change the world, make a difference, leave your mark and so on. And, you think you’ll combine those ambitions with the way you make a living. Some people do manage to do this. However, if you’re not one of them, that’s no reason to feel let down.
The reality is that making money doing something really special, different or life-changing is…difficult. There aren’t a lot of job openings for “world changer” on Indeed right now. Turns out a lot of people want to do that, so there’s a lot of competition. Here’s the truth: it is okay to pay your bills doing something “traditional.” And then you can work on changing the world on nights and weekends. Maybe one day the two things will merge, but that isn’t the only path to satisfaction.
4.) Happiness Is On The Other Side Of Achievement
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It’s the “I’ll be happy when insert accomplishment here” syndrome. “I’ll be happy when I have this many followers,” or “I’ll be happy when I have a bigger house” or “I’ll be happy when I lose these last 10 pounds.” It’s good to have goals. However, don’t let your desire for more rob you from appreciating what you have today. At any given moment, there are things to take joy in and feel grateful for. Mastering the art of recognizing those, in the present moment, is the key to happiness. Happiness isn’t on the other side of some obstacle. It’s right here if you’re willing to see it.
5.) Happiness Is Permanent
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One of our greatest obstacles to happiness is actually our expectations around happiness. You can do all of your personal work, find a loving partner, have great friendships and a rewarding career and still feel off some days. It’s important to know that happens, so you don’t spiral when it does. One of the lies we tell ourselves is that when we achieve a state of happiness, we won’t backslide into negativity or a lacking mindset. And if we believe that “shouldn’t” happen, we’re extra hard on ourselves when it does. Know that it happens sometimes, and that happiness ebbs and flows. Once you know that, it won’t be such a big deal when your happiness dips.
6.) Money Can’t Buy Happiness
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Uh-oh. That might not be something you were ready to hear. But we’re here to stomp down lies, and this is one of them. Some time ago, a study came out saying happiness “plateaus” after the $75,000 a year mark. Newer research published in PNAS has found that just isn’t true. Maybe you’re sighing with relief because you sort of suspected that.
Can money purchase the feeling of happiness? No. But having enough money can remove worries and stress about money. In that way, money can eliminate negative emotions. And what’s happiness if not the absence of negative feelings? This isn’t to say happiness lies in materialism. But having enough to pay for your basic needs and have a little fun can increase your chances of being happy.
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