How To Be A Mindful Dater + Get More Out Of Your Dating Experience

Romantic couple in love having date at restaurant woman is a mindful dater

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Mindfulness helps us be fully present and aware. So, could there ever be a time mindfulness mattered more than when choosing a potential life partner? If you look around you, you probably see many dysfunctional relationships because two people entered into a commitment without being mindful. Then things like sex, anxious attachment, codependency and other factors made it hard for them to leave. Having companionship – even less than ideal companionship – can be addictive. That’s why it’s so important that you have your eyes (including your third eye) wide open in the dating process.

Naturally, there are a lot of stimuli and distractions in dating. Maybe your date makes you laugh a lot, or is painfully good-looking, so you sort of gloss over the important stuff (like compatibility). Sometimes, the types of dates you’re going on are so fun and intoxicating that they create a sense of chemistry that is not there. The great news is that if you are well-practiced in being mindful in other areas of your life, you can apply that to dating. Here is how to be a more mindful dater so that you can get the most out of your dating experience and increase your chances of finding a true match.

Re-Think Your Type

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Take a moment to write down your type. It’s common that more surface-level things come up at first like what someone does for a living, what someone likes to do for fun or what someone looks like. Now, challenge yourself to dig deeper and figure out what the real, underlying characteristic are that you like.

Maybe it doesn’t actually matter what someone does for a living – you just want someone who is passionate about what they do, who is ambitious and/or creative. Maybe you don’t actually care what hobbies someone is into, but you’d like to meet someone who is adventurous, social and cares about making the world a better place. Once you’ve figured out these true, root traits, you can cross out those surface traits – they never actually mattered.

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Put Time Between Dates

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Even if you’re really excited about someone, it can be a good idea to take a beat before you see them again. Seeing them several nights in a row robs you of the chance to process what you’ve learned and what you’re feeling. If the chemistry is strong, you could get easily swept up into something, before being mindful about the compatibility there. It’s perfectly okay to wait a week between dates when you’ve just met someone.

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Resist The Urge To Fill In The Blanks

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Try to be aware of times you might be unconsciously filling in the blanks about someone. This can happen when you meet someone to whom you’re very attracted, and with whom there is tons of instant chemistry. Your brain will want to complete the whole picture of who they are, filling in details that make you happy, because you want to be compatible with this person so badly.

If you notice yourself making an assumption about them, step back. Remind yourself you do not actually know that piece of information yet and still have a lot to learn about them. Resist the urge to paint the whole picture of someone in advance, in order to force compatibility. Let the picture reveal itself.

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Date One Person At A Time

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This won’t work for everyone, but, some people do best when they see where things can go with one person, before moving onto the next. Sometimes dating multiple people at once can leave you tired and a bit confused. You mix up details about different people. You wind up doing a lot of comparison and could decide you like someone not because you really do, but because they’re at least better than the other person.

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OR Date Several People

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For some, the best path is to date several people at once. This can be a good route for people who are big on intuition. When you date several people at once and your intuition is strong, it will become clear which people you don’t feel joyful/safe/yourself around, and which ones you do. Somehow, having those people with whom you’re incompatible in the picture makes the person who is right for you really stand out.

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Prepare Meaningful Questions

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That exercise in finding your type will come in handy here. Once you know the real traits that matter to you in someone, you can prepare some questions that will help you determine if someone possesses those traits. Questions like, “What do you like about your job?” or “What was a big life lesson you learned last year?” or “When do you feel most yourself?” can be very revealing. As a mindful dater, think of questions that dig a bit deeper below the surface.

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Listen As Much As You Speak

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When you’re talking, you aren’t gaining information. Hopefully, your date asks you questions and is a good listener. But be careful not to fall into the trap of doing all of the talking. Make sure there’s a balance to the conversation, and that it’s a dialogue rather than a monologue (on either person’s part).

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Know When You Need A Moment

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Sometimes, you’re just not in the right headspace or emotional place to date. That’s okay, and it’s okay to recognize that. Knowing when you can’t date is part of being a mindful dater. So even if you have some dates planned, but you realize you are feeling too stressed, overwhelmed or confused at the moment to date, you can cancel the dates. Don’t go on a date that you aren’t ready for in order to please someone else.

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Limit What You Share Early On

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Sharing something deeply personal with someone and then having it not work out can be painful. Those personal stories are a part of you, and you can feel like you just gave them away to someone who didn’t cherish you. It’s okay to keep some things to yourself until you see things going somewhere with somebody. You can find ways to let someone get to know you, without sharing your deepest, most personal secrets.

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Here's How To Be A Mindful Dater & Get The Most Out Of Dating