Stop Feeling Guilty, Learn From The Past And Move On!
Stop Feeling Guilty, Learn From The Past And Move TF On! - Page 2
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Are you hard on yourself when you fuck up?
Black women tend put too much pressure on themselves to never make a mistake. The Psychology of Women Quarterly published a study on the Strong Black Woman schema (SBW) and found that women who embody the SBW ideology expect perfectionism out of themselves.
A flawless track record is simply an impossible expectation to have of oneself. So, if that’s the standard you hold yourself to, you might live with a lot of guilt. Guilt serves its (limited) purpose. It’s your radar going off to let you know you need to right a wrong, make amends or apologize. However, after it has prompted action, it’s time to let guilt go. Holding onto it can have serious consequences. One study published in Psychology Health & Medicine found that people who hang onto guilt are more prone to chronic illness, pain, anxiety and even cancer. If you live with guilt, it’s time to learn from it, release it and move on. Here’s how to start.
First, Thank Your Guilt
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While you don’t want to hang onto guilt longer than necessary, try to recognize the fact that your ability to feel guilty is a positive thing. That means that you have a conscience and you care deeply about how your actions impact other people. Guilt is simply proof that you desire to be a positive presence in the world (and, perhaps you failed to do so in a given instance).
Not everyone feels guilt (hello narcissists) because not everyone recognizes that their actions impact others, and that they’re part of an intricate and intertwined community. But you do, and that’s why you feel guilty. So thank your guilt for being a signal to you that you A) care and B) need to fix something. Your guilt is just your internal check engine light. It’s a good thing that yours is working.
Sit With The Feelings
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Don’t just allow guilt to consume you. It can become a fog that somehow makes your days darker, while making it difficult to really see why you feel so bad. Don’t be afraid to dive into it, and really ask yourself what you feel guilty about. This is important, so you can assess what was actually your doing, what you had no control over, and how bad the damage truly was. Sometimes, we let the emotion of guilt consume us and we forget to break it down, and figure out what’s at the root of it. When you do this, you might find you don’t have as much to feel guilty about as you thought.
Know That Hindsight Is Harsh
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Taking accountability is good, and there are actionable items to be found there. You can take the feeling of guilt to assess what you did “wrong” and how you’d like to do it differently next time. But then, also remember to cut yourself some slack. Consider perhaps the information you didn’t have at the time you did the “bad” thing. Recall that perhaps you were under a lot of stress at the time. Maybe you were forced to make an impossible decision.
Often, when we feel guilty, we make ourselves a villain in our memories. We see ourselves as this person who was A) fully aware of what they were doing and B) intended someone else harm. Rarely are either of those conditions true.
If You Can Fix It, Do So
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Use guilt as fuel to do something. If it’s really gnawing away at you, perhaps it’s time to ask yourself if you can right this wrong. Can you fix what happened? Is there an action you can take? Sometimes, the action is simply an apology. But don’t underestimate the power of an apology. Showing someone that there’s someone out there who does care and does take responsibility for their actions can go a long way.
If You Cannot Fix It, Pay It Forward
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If you cannot fix this particular mistake or do not have a way to apologize, you can still take action. You can do so by vowing to handle things differently, next time you encounter the same situation. If you wronged someone, you can even start today by being especially kind and helpful to the people you encounter. Cancel out some of the bad you put out into the world by doing a lot of good.
Vent It Out
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Talk about your feelings of guilt to someone who knows you well. Explain the event to them in as much detail as possible. Sometimes you need an outside party to point out things you didn’t see. Somebody who loves you will probably bring up reasons you should be cutting yourself some slack – reasons you hadn’t thought of.
Be Prepared To Forgive Yourself
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Know that sometimes, even when you give someone the best apology, they won’t accept it. Some people don’t know how to forgive. In some cases, the damage caused was so severe that an apology can’t fix things. But once you have given a heartfelt apology, allow yourself to release the guilt. That’s what the apology was for: you were admitting fault and expressing remorse. Now, let that leave your body – even if the wronged party can’t forgive you.
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