How To Handle Different Communication Styles + Reduce Drama

Two young women talking while sitting at table in loft office who have different communication styles

Source: Andriy Shevchuk / 500px / Getty

Right now, you could probably write a list of people with whom you always have conflict. It might be mild or it might be severe, but you just can’t seem to get in a groove with these individuals. You don’t understand them and they don’t understand you. Whether it’s a family member, a coworker or a roommate, it’s common to have these tense and frustrating dynamics in our lives. You can either accept that things will always be rocky in those relationships, or you can get to the bottom of it, and what’s at the bottom of it is likely different communication styles.

Behavioral experts have identified four main communication styles: passive, passive-aggressive, aggressive and assertive. We’ll get into what each one means, but know this: when two assertive individuals interact, it’s usually smooth sailing. Any other combination is often a recipe for drama. Maybe you can’t change the way others behave, but if you can understand them, you can change how you respond to them. And then, you can start to enjoy a life with less conflict. Here’s a look at the four main communication styles, and how to interact with them better.

Passive Communication

Women talking while standing by window at studio

Source: HRAUN / Getty

A passive communicator is going to come off as timid, shy, insecure and/or weak. This communication style is characterized by:

Not expressing feelings, thoughts or needs
Denying/ignoring one’s own needs
Allowing others to deny one’s needs
Always putting others first, even when it directly interferes with one’s needs
Body language includes no eye contact and slouching posture

The problem with this communication style is that it can lead to resentment and pent-up anger. When a person ignores their feelings and needs, they don’t just go away. Usually, those feelings just get pushed down deep – but eventually rise to the surface. And they can come up in the form of yelling, aggressive behavior or a panic attack.

How to handle a passive communicator

Passive communicators tend to have low self-esteem or suffer from stress or anxiety. So, always bring a calm, loving and encouraging energy. Give them compliments and be supportive. That’s what they need, and only that energy can coax their true feelings and thoughts out. They need to feel safe to express themselves.

Perhaps nobody ever really asks them follow-up questions on what they’re thinking or feeling. So be the change – be the person who digs deeper. Additionally, if you see someone else walking over them or ignoring their needs, speak up for the passive communicator. You can model what the assertive behavior looks like for them.

Aggressive Communication

Bad communication divides us more than distance ever could

Source: LaylaBird / Getty

The aggressive communicator will come off as confident and intimidating. Their behaviors are easy to spot, but not always easy to deal with. This communication style is characterized by:

Putting one’s needs above all others’
Stating thoughts and feelings with no regard for how that impacts others
Stepping on others to get what one wants
Being defensive or hostile when confronted
Saying hurtful things
Body language includes getting in one’s personal space, eye rolling, finger pointing and arm crossing

Naturally, being around this type of communicator can be difficult. It can feel impossible to get your needs met or to have a productive conversation.

How to handle an aggressive communicator

While this can be frustrating at first, try simply listening. Sometimes, people become aggressive when they feel they need to, because nobody listened to or respected them when they were more passive. Prove to them that the aggression isn’t necessary by calmly and politely hearing them out.

If you remain calm, their own aggressive behaviors will stand out against yours, and they could become aware that they’re coming on too strong. This could encourage them to calm down, without you having to say anything. Reiterate their feelings so they feel heard, and respond in a calm, measured way. If you respond aggressively, they will likely feel justified in their aggression, and the situation will escalate. However, if you respond respectfully and peacefully, they might recognize that they don’t need to be hostile.

Passive-Aggressive Communication

Serious dark skinned male and female colleagues having discussion during working process disappointed with planning, angry african american woman quarrel with hipster guy checking documents at desktop

Source: GaudiLab / Getty

Passive-aggressive communicators are some of the most frustrating people to deal with, because it takes some time to identify their actions. On the surface, they’ll appear docile, agreeable and even passive. They might use friendly and peaceful language, but then their actions won’t match up to their words. This communication style is characterized by:

Sarcasm
Limited consideration of others’ feelings
Spreading rumors
Attempting to sabotage others
Condescending language
Backhanded compliments

Passive-aggressive communicators are tough to deal with because they do not directly do or say something harmful, so they don’t create an opportunity for you to have a real conversation.

How to deal with a passive-aggressive communicator

You can call the situation out head-on, but you can use softening language so as to not escalate things. Here’s an example: “I’m confused because, you said that you enjoy working with me, but then you left me out of that group project” or “This doesn’t really add up: you agreed to help me with this, but then you were very late and on your phone most of the time.”

Passive-aggressive communicators take advantage of vagueness or lack of boundaries, so it’s best to communicate with them directly. If their words and actions don’t add up, tell them you see that, and ask them to explain why that is. The last thing passive-aggressive communicators want is to be confronted. So if they learn that you will confront their behavior, they might cut back on it to avoid an uncomfortable conversation.

Do also try to have empathy for passive-aggressive communicators. Research published in the National Library of Health shows that passive-aggressive personality disorder is often the result of dysfunctional or traumatic childhood environments and experiences.

Assertive Communication

Source: Erik Isakson / Getty

Assertive communication is the style of communication we should all be working towards. If you are an assertive communicator, this will instantly reduce conflict in your life, and if you have relationships with other assertive communicators, those are likely open, honest and fulfilling. This communication style is characterized by:

Direct and honest expression of needs and feelings
Expressing one’s needs while respecting others’
Using “I” statements like “I feel like” and “I need”
Body language includes eye contact and a straight posture

Most people use a combination of these communication styles at different times in their lives. Even you might fluctuate between them all, depending on who you’re dealing with. Getting a good understanding of each one, and who in your life exhibits them, can help you navigate your relationships in a way that leads to less conflict over time.