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If time flies when you’re having fun, it can go really fast when you’re having sex. Do you ever feel like you blink and sex is over? There was so much anticipation – so much time spent getting in the mood – and when it’s all said and done, you don’t really remember the nuanced sensations. If this resonates with you, then you might be struggling to have mindful sex. And if you’re struggling to have orgasms (or at least good ones), then you could truly be having a mindfulness issue.

We’re taught that sex comes naturally, and when you’re in the moment, your body knows just what to do. That’s usually true, but for some of us, it eventually becomes too true. You become so unconscious of what’s happening in your body, almost as if you’re on autopilot, that you start thinking about what you’ll make for dinner or how you’ll handle that talk with your coworker.

Your partner thinks that face you just made was one of pleasure, but really, you just thought of the perfect way to start your client pitch tomorrow. If you’re cringing because you’re guilty of all of this right now, don’t feel too bad – as a society, we struggle with mindfulness. But sex is your sacred, intimate time with your partner. And if we are ready to apply mindfulness to things like eating and anxiety, you owe it to yourself to apply it to sex.

It’s About The Journey, Not The Destination

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Some people approach sex the same way they do eating: they race to satisfaction. With food, that means eating mindlessly and quickly, with the simple goal of being full. With sex, it means racing through the motions that will get you to an orgasm as soon as possible. If you’re like many couples, you’ve likely fallen into the rut of hopping into the position that does it for you, then the one that does it for your partner, and rolling over and calling it a night.

But just because you know what mechanics will get you both there faster, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re having good sex. In fact, doing it in such a predictable and formulaic way could leave you feeling dissatisfied – in spite of having reached orgasm. That’s because you missed out on all of the pleasurable sensations along the way. You were too focused on the destination that you forgot to enjoy the journey. That’s where mindfulness can come in.

Mindful Sex Is Everything For Women

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Everyone can benefit from mindful sex, but women in particular need to be in the right state of mind to enjoy sex. Anecdotally, you know this. If you’re a woman, you likely struggle to get in the mood if you are stressed about something. Meanwhile, if you have a male partner, he probably doesn’t face quite as much difficulty getting aroused – even during stressful times. If you put on that right teeny, tiny lingerie or whatever does it for him, he’ll get there.

For women, sex is highly mental and emotional. That’s why, as the Center for Female and Male Sexual Medicine explains, female Viagra didn’t really take. Sure, it improved some of the physiological conditions required for sex like blood flow to the genitals. Ultimately, that wasn’t enough for women, because a lot of pleasure for us starts in the mind. So when our mind isn’t in the present moment, really taking in every sensation during sex, it’s harder for us to enjoy sex.

How Does Mindful Sex Work?

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Mindful sex is very similar to meditation in that, it’s about redirecting your thoughts. When you meditate, your thoughts might wander to your to-do list, and you redirect them back to your breath. If you’re doing a body scan meditation, you redirect them back to a certain part of your body.

Mindful sex is similar. The idea is to be very present in the body, focusing all of your attention on the physical sensations you are experiencing. Your partners’ fingers on your thighs. Their breath on your neck. The feeling of your skin rubbing together. Your thoughts will naturally try to wander. You just need to be intentional of noticing when that happens, and bring them back into your body.

If this seems like a lot of work, know that it’s worth it. In the wildly popular TED Talk “The Power of Mindful Sex,” it’s revealed that taking your focus off the end goal of the orgasm and instead focusing on each sensation actually results in more powerful orgasms. When you are present with each sensation, you let the orgasm happen – rather than make the orgasm happen. So your body is more relaxed, and the pleasure can be far more explosive.

How You Can Use Kink To Enjoy Mindful Sex

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You might have never connected kink to zen before, but when you pay close attention, it becomes clear that engaging in some good old-fashioned kink can lead to more mindful sex.

If your sex is more vanilla, it’s easier for things to become routine and to be rushed. Kink introduces an element of mindfulness because you don’t just rush to penetrative sex. Here are ways you can utilize kink to be more present for sex:

• Utilize textures. Feeling and interacting with different textures has a way of pulling you into the present moment. Think tickling each other with feathers, teasing each other with leather tasseled whips, running a silk scarf across the skin, massaging each other with warm oils or dripping an ice cube over the body. The alternating sensations will keep your mind focused on your body.
• Create your sex dungeon. Maybe you don’t have a real sex dungeon, but you can create the essence of one. When you think of a sex dungeon, all reminders of real life are removed. It’s enclosed. There aren’t any family photos or computers in there. The entire room and everything in it is focused on sex, leaving distractions at the door. Try to create an environment similar to this for your sex life.
• Use blindfolds. When one sense is restricted, your body naturally focuses more on the others. That’s one way blindfolds can lead to more mindful sex. You’ll immediately pay more attention to what you’re feeling, hearing and tasting because your vision has been limited.
• Try dom/sub play. If you’ve wanted an excuse to try dominatrix play, here’s your chance. During a dom/sub situation, one person is giving instructions and another is receiving them. When you’re engaged in either of these situations, you are solely focused on either coming up with the next instruction (and enjoying the results), or following the next instruction. It brings you fully into the present moment, rather than thinking about that work email.
• Talk dirty and descriptively. Try this exercise: verbalize every single thing your partner is doing to you and how it feels. In doing so, you’re encouraged to pay attention to each sensation and fully experience it. It’s also hot for your partner to hear you explain how their movements feel.