Petty Is As Petty Does: Emotional Maturity Doesn’t Always Come With Age

Dont want to hear. Unhappy disturbed tired woman communicating with her friend sitting near her on the sofa shaking her hands. Friends arguing on sofa at home. Two female friends arguing not showing emotional maturity

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The saying “Older and wiser” is dangerously misleading. It implies that with age, comes wisdom, and for many adults, that simply isn’t true. Advancing in emotional maturity and psychological development is not guaranteed with age. People need healthy childhood environments and to have their emotional needs met in constructive ways during their developmental years in order to grow up to be emotionally mature adults. And for many, that simply isn’t the case.

Emotional maturity may not automatically come with age, but if you feel that you struggle with it, the good news is that you have the power to cultivate it – and it’s very much worth pursuing. Research out of International Journal of Management & Social Sciences shows that low emotional maturity correlates with loneliness and low life satisfaction. Of course, becoming more emotionally mature isn’t as simple as wanting to be. There’s some trial and error, and the first step is recognizing emotional immaturity. Here’s what you need to know about how to develop emotional maturity.

First, Why Does Emotional Immaturity Happen?

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If you struggle in your personal relationships, don’t know how to address conflict in a healthy way or often feel that your emotions get the best of you, it is not your fault. Extensive research has shown that our childhood environments greatly impact our level of emotional maturity in adulthood.

There are several factors in childhood that can create an emotionally immature adult. The simplest one to identify is how your caregivers handled emotions. Children learn to mimic the behaviors of their caregivers. We learn everything from them, from personal hygiene to financial habits to emotional responses. If you grew up with an emotionally immature caregiver, you didn’t have a role model for how to handle emotions in a healthy way. An emotionally immature caregiver might have:

Emotionally shut down/shut you out when they were upset
Thrown tantrums/screamed/yelled in your presence
Given you the silent treatment
Emotionally leaned on you during difficult times

Growing up with parents and caregivers who failed to regulate their own emotions, and failed to address yours in a calm, measured and loving way could mean you struggle to develop healthy emotional behaviors.

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What Does Emotional Maturity (Or Lack Thereof) Look Like?

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So, how does emotional immaturity show up in adulthood? Nobody is 100 percent emotionally mature. There is no such thing as “perfect” emotional maturity. However, you might struggle with it if you experience or show the following:

Blaming others for your feelings
Lashing out through damaging words or actions when angry
Struggling to regulate your emotions
Struggling to identify the emotional needs of others
Feeling that your emotions rule your life
Difficulty feeling close to others

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How To Grow Your Emotional Maturity

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At our core, we all want to experience intimacy with other humans and enjoy close bonds in our lives. We want this in our friendships, romantic relationships and family relationships. It can be hard to feel close to others when you struggle to regulate your emotions or respond in a healthy way to theirs. Though it will take time, there are things you can do to improve your emotional maturity and stop allowing emotions to rule your life. Some things you can do include:

Journaling. Journaling gives you a risk-free way to express your emotions. Nobody is harmed when you express your feelings in your private journal (as opposed to outwardly, to others). From there, you can take a step back and examine your feelings without judgment. You can pick up on patterns and triggers, recognizing what events or people bring up these feelings. And from there, can come up with a plan to self-soothe or calm your nerves (such as through meditation) before these events come up. You can also discuss the patterns you see with a therapist, who can help you understand what events in your life have caused these triggers.
Surround yourself with emotionally mature people. It’s never too late to find role models. Look for people who experience low or no drama in their lives, exhibit even and regulated emotions, and even respond to your emotions in a way that you admire. These are emotionally mature individuals and by being around them, you can learn to mimic them.
Find a therapist. A good therapist will be well-versed in how certain patterns in childhood, as well as certain traumatic experiences, can be linked to emotional immaturity in adulthood. They will also know of behavioral exercises and practices that can help you slowly achieve emotional maturity. MADAMENOIRE covers affordable ways to find therapy here.

When you do start to become more emotionally mature, you’ll start to notice changes in your behavior. You’ll likely find that you don’t feel the need to react in the moment to your own feelings. You’ll also get better at recognizing the emotions of others, and giving them the space they need to have their feelings. You’ll find that you can receive feedback in relationships without getting defensive, and that you’ll take responsibility for your emotions rather than blaming others. Through all of these changes, you’ll experience more fulfilling relationships and a better sense of control over your day-to-day emotional experience.

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