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You’ve likely heard of the five love languages (if you need a refresher, MADAMENOIRE breaks them down here). There is a myth that couples must speak the same ones if they’re going to make things work. But if people with different native languages can fall in love – with the gaps in humor, sayings and slang – then people with different love languages can (and do) go the distance. Your love language simply describes the category or categories of behaviors that, when you do them, are your way of showing affection and appreciation.
Perhaps your partner doesn’t inherently feel that love at the level you’re giving it through those actions for now, but, that doesn’t mean that they can’t. Long-term relationships are always about building better communication every day, and that means understanding your partner’s intentions and feelings, even when they aren’t explicitly stated. That can be done with love languages. Here is how to make it work when you have different love languages.
Learn What Your Love Languages Are
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First, sit down and have a conversation about what your love languages are. It’s possible that neither of you ever really gave thought to this before. You can discuss each language (words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, and physical touch) and rank how important each one is to you on a scale of one to five. This helps both of you learn which one is worth getting better at for the other, and which one isn’t worth spending too much energy on.
Also talk about why your love languages mean so much to you. This might involve ways you were brought up, parts of your belief system, or other personal experiences. When you and your partner get a closer look at the meaning of your love languages, you might connect more deeply to your partner’s love language and be more invested in learning it.
It *Is* Okay To Fake This One Thing
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While honesty is usually the best policy, it’s okay to fake it a little when it comes to love languages. What does that mean? It’s okay to act out your partner’s love language, even when you don’t genuinely want to, because you know it makes them feel loved. If you think about it, this is a part of compromising that should be happening in a relationship. It’s like when your partner empties the dishwasher not because they want to, but because they know it makes you happy. And that can be enough for you – the fact that they wanted to make you happy. The same goes for love languages.
Find Commonalities
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If you put your minds to it, you can likely find some activities that would create the opportunity for your love languages to overlap. For example, if your love language is physical touch and your partner’s is acts of service, then your partner can give you a massage after a long day. You get the touch aspect and your partner gets to give the act of service. This is also a good one if your partner’s is quality time and yours is touch or acts of service (plus, the journal Health Psychology and Behavioral Medicine shows couples who massage each other feel an improved sense of well-being). During a massage, you are together, one-on-one, and get to spend quality time together.
Pay Attention When They Speak Theirs
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Learn to pay attention and be aware when your partner speaks their love language. It’s important that when one person gives love, that the other acknowledges and appreciates it. This will take some time. However, it’s important to work on. So, if, for example, your partner is big on giving gifts and they bring home a thoughtful present, give that gesture the appreciation it deserves. Really take the moment to be very grateful, to be excited about the gift and to recognize that this is a big deal.
Make An Effort To Speak Their Love Language
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Learn to speak one another’s love languages. This is another part of compromising in a relationship. It’s just about doing things that you don’t inherently like, but you do them because you enjoy making your partner happy. That’s the key. Be intentional about finding ways to speak your partner’s love language. If that’s quality time, sit down every week, look at your calendar and suggest times you do can spend together. If it’s physical touch, look for opportunities to touch your partner more. This can be as simple as cuddling up when watching a movie instead of sitting separately, or giving them a long hug in the kitchen while making dinner.
Be Patient
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Getting accustomed to one another’s love languages takes time. Have patience with yourselves and don’t expect to become perfect at this overnight. Like with all elements of a relationship, the longer you’re together, the better you become at making each other happy. Enjoy the process rather than seeing it as a homework assignment. The ultimate goal is making each other feel loved, which is a desire you both share.
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