SUNDAY NOIRE: How To Recover From Financial Infidelity

Emotional annoyed stressed couple sitting on couch, arguing at home facing financial infidelity

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Late-night secret Internet activity, hiding mail and sneaking around; these are all a part of cheating – financial cheating, to be precise. In order for a couple to build a bright future together, they need to be on the same page about finances, including spending, income and debt. However, just because someone says they agree with the plan doesn’t mean that they’re abiding by it.

According to a poll by CreditCards.com, well over a third of people in serious relationships admitted to some form of financial infidelity. The most common types include spending more than a partner is okay with, keeping secret debt and having a credit card or checking or saving account that a partner doesn’t know about.

Nearly half of the respondents state financial cheating is just as bad as physical cheating and some even said that it’s worse. The reality is that, depending on the severity of the financial cheating, it’s a type of indiscretion that can alter the future of a couple’s life forever – even if they don’t stay together. The decisions your partner makes with your shared money can affect you, long after you split. And that is one of the reasons financial cheating hurts so badly. If you’ve experienced it, but you want to make it work with a partner, knowing how to move forward can be difficult. You can recover from financial infidelity, but it will be a process. Here’s how to take the first steps.

Understand Why The Financial Cheating Happened

Husband comforting crying wife during marriage counseling session

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Assessing the financial damage and working on mitigating it is an important first step. However, if you don’t get to the root of why the behavior happened, it could happen again. Have an open discussion about the feelings or worries that led to this behavior. According to the CreditCards.com poll, the most common reasons for financial cheating include:

Never discussing money in the first place. The issue just “never came up” according to 31 percent of respondents, pointing to a greater need for communication in the relationship.
A need for control. Thirty percent of respondents lied about money as a way of feeling in control of it.
Shame over financial competency. Twenty-five percent of respondents said that they kept money secrets because they felt embarrassed about how they’d handled finances.
Distrust of their partner. Fourteen percent of financial cheaters stated that they didn’t trust their partner with money.
Lack of faith in the relationship. Another fourteen percent financially cheated because they didn’t believe the relationship would last.
Addiction. Thirteen percent have an addiction related to money, such as spending or gambling.

You might consider involving a professional to guide the discussion. There are financial therapists who specialize in helping individuals and couples develop healthy relationships with money.

If your partner does struggle with a gambling or spending addiction, joining a group such as gamblers anonymous or a shopping addiction support group can be an important ongoing part of the healing.

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Assess The Damage And Make A Plan

Serious African American married couple reviewing monthly bills

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Should you decide that you want to stay together, you’ll need to take a hard look at how much damage has been done. Then you’ll need to come up with a game plan to address it. Let’s say, for example, that your partner had a secret credit card and has accumulated $15,000 in debt. Together, you can come up with a way that they can realistically pay off that debt. It could include taking on a side job and devoting all of those funds to paying down that debt. It might mean selling some of their belongings (including some of the credit card purchases) to pay it down. Write a step-by-step guide with daily tasks and milestones.

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Take Control Of The Finances (For Now)

Couple at home checking the mail and reading some letters about financial cheating

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Just like after someone physically cheats, when someone financially cheats, there are consequences and rules become stricter until trust is regained. You might need to take over the finances, possess all of your partner’s credit cards and debit cards, and even change the passwords to all financial accounts. Your partner will need to ask for permission to make purchases and discuss financial moves with you in order to get access to accounts.

While this step can feel demeaning to a full-grown adult, financial problems are serious and can have life-long consequences. You are taking this step to protect your partner from themselves and to protect you from further damage. If your partner is serious about regaining your trust and rebuilding this relationship, this is a process they will be willing to engage in.

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Discuss Financial Beliefs And Value Systems

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This is something that will likely come up in your financial therapy sessions, but is important to discuss it one-on-one with your partner, too. Talk about your beliefs surrounding money. Discuss what sorts of financial philosophies you grew up around, and how money was discussed (or not discussed) in your childhood homes. For either of you, this could be the first time you’re talking about this.

Many parents don’t realize this, but speaking to your kids about money (in an age-appropriate way) starting at a young age sets them up not just for financial success but also for relationship success. Research published in the Journal of Family Issues found that kids whose parents discussed money with them grew up to have healthier, happier relationships than children who grew up in homes where finances were not discussed. And further research reported on United Federal Credit Union, showed that parents who talk to their kids about finances have children who are more likely to be smart about money.

Whether you realize it or not, you and your partner could have subconscious ideologies surrounding money and relationships instilled in you from childhood. Unearthing these ideologies and analyzing their legitimacy can be a big step towards more financial and overall trust.

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