Sis, It’s Time To Normalize Friendship Breakups

Young women sitting and talking at the coffee break

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Breakups, in the relationship/dating context, are socially accepted. However, for some reason, people can have a diehard, illogical loyalty to friendships. We’ll hold onto friendships for years that have only brought us pain, drama and disappointment.

The why usually boils down to having been friends for such a long time. But the longevity of a relationship doesn’t justify its survival if it isn’t working for you. And the truth is that most of your friendships aren’t meant to last.

Research published in the journal Social Forces found that 52 percent of one’s social network and 70 percent of close friendships dissolve after seven years.

This data can be viewed as sad, but it doesn’t have to be. People change. We’re meant to evolve as we get older, become wiser, take on new beliefs and develop new goals. The chances that everyone who was around you 10 years ago will be in line with your new worldview and your new social needs are very slim.

Most childhood and college friendships won’t last because, according to the University of Rochester Medical Center, the human brain isn’t done developing until age 25. So you could think someone is your bestie for life at 19, but six years later, no longer be compatible.

Like romantic relationships, holding onto friendships that no longer serve you is just holding you back from having fruitful friendships. This, it’s time to normalize friendship breakups. Here are six ways to assess your friendships to make sure they’re still a good fit.

Do You Get Excited To See Them?

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This is a simple question, and should almost tell you everything that you need to know. If you once got excited to see a friend, you might not have noticed if that feeling has changed. We can go on autopilot in friendships, continuing to see someone with the same frequency as we always have, even if we aren’t feeling the same level of enthusiasm. If you’re no longer genuinely looking forward to seeing a friend, that could be a reason to reevaluate the friendship.

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Do You Feel Enriched After Seeing Them?

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Ask yourself how you feel after seeing this friend. Hopefully, you feel energized, uplifted and happy. Good friendships are almost like charging ports – they should be energy sources. When we get together with friends who are in line with our goals and views, we tend to walk away feeling revitalized and positive about other areas of our lives. If you walk away feeling drained or down, it could be time to think about ending a friendship.

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Do You Share The Same Values?

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Values are a tricky thing. It can take decades to fully understand what your values are. Life experiences, age, and heartache – these are some of the things that help us formalize our values, and these take time. So, perhaps in college, you thought it was exciting that your friend was having an affair with a married man. Now, as an adult, who is perhaps married yourself, you don’t think it’s thrilling when a friend does this – it now goes against your values. This is just one example of how we discover our values over time, and how they may no longer be in line with a friend’s.

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Is It A Two-Way Street?

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Friendship needs to be a two-way street. That means each person is putting in equal amounts of effort. The score will never be perfectly balanced, but, overall, you should feel like you both care about the friendship. That means you reach out to make plans at a similar rate. When you get together, you both get the space to talk and express yourselves. It means you’re both there for each other during difficult times, and show up to celebrate the wins. If you feel you’ve fallen into the role of a caretaker or therapist to a friend – or that they simply don’t prioritize you – it could be time for a friendship breakup.

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Do They Support Your Growth?

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Just because we change as human beings over time doesn’t have to mean we go through tons of friendship breakups. Friendships that last are those that support your growth. This means having friends who are excited for you when you find a partner and get married – even if they’ve historically been your single friend. It means friends who admire you for going after your career goals, even if that means you can’t party on weeknights anymore. Good friendships are based on something deeper than external circumstances like relationship or financial status.

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Do They Respect Your Circle?

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Having a fulfilling social life means having a network of individuals who are in harmony. That doesn’t have to mean that all of your friends are friends with each other. However, as we mature and curate our friend group, we should find that we can bring everyone to the same place (like our wedding or birthday party) and they can get along. Good friends participate in diplomacy so that you can enjoy a peaceful social life – they don’t create drama, harbor jealousy, become possessive of you, or speak badly about your other friends.

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