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Honesty is arguably the most important quality in a healthy relationship. Honesty correlates with trust, and without trust, relationships tend to crumble quickly. In fact, one of the nation’s top relationship researchers John Gottman told Berkeley’s Greater Good Magazine that the most common issue he sees in couples he works with is a lack of trust. It’s difficult to feel safe being vulnerable with someone when you don’t feel they’re telling you the truth. Even from a young age, people start to pick up on the importance of trust in relationships.
One study found that 79 percent of adolescent Black girls agree with the statement, “If you don’t have honesty in a relationship, then there is no relationship.” It’s hammered into one’s psyche from a young age – you need honesty to make a relationship work. There is a lot of beauty and purity in that sentiment. But…anyone who has actually been in the trenches of a long-term relationship has learned the hard way that sometimes, telling the truth (or at least all of it) is not the best course of action. Research, studies and analysis happen on paper and in classrooms – not in real life. Real life is a bit more complicated. Here are times honesty in a relationship may not be the best option.
Outsider Opinion
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Your friends and family will probably give you their opinion on your partner. It might be complimentary – it might not be. Pro tip: Don’t share the negative criticism with your partner. If people who love you share genuine concerns about the health or stability of your relationship, that’s something to take seriously. But if they just think your partner talks too loud or doesn’t dress fashionably, they don’t need to know that. And they certainly don’t need to know that they liked your ex more.
Ex-Factor TMI
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Speaking of the ex…don’t. At least not too much. You and your partner are grown adults who understand you each have a past. However, your partner doesn’t need to know the nitty-gritty details about your sex life with your ex or the amazing gifts your ex got you. If you need to tell a story that involves the ex, limit mention of them as much as possible. You don’t need to hear novel-worthy details about your partner’s past relationships, and they probably don’t want to hear those about yours.
That Thing They Do In Bed
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If your partner does something in bed that you don’t like, you don’t have to tell them that – exactly. (Unless of course he’s making you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, then communicate it clearly.) But if your partner just tries something new that you’re not really feeling, don’t criticize their technique. You don’t want to discourage them from trying new things in the future. Instead, just focus heavily on what you do like and that should steer them in the right direction.
Creative Feedback
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So your partner has decided to take up standup comedy, the guitar or pottery. And you get to bear witness to the beginning stages. Try to remember that everyone is bad at something when they’re new at it. So, don’t give (entirely) honest feedback on the finished product. Find one or two things you can praise, and then applaud them for being willing to try something new. Sometimes honesty in a relationship means finding a nice thing to say — even when it’s difficult.
The Wrong Gift
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No matter how well your partner knows you, sometimes their going to get the wrong gift. But when they watch you open it with light in their eyes and a huge grin across their face, that’s not the time to look disappointed. That’s the time to take on the greatest acting role of your life. Whatever is in that box – you love it. Even if you don’t. Remember that what you love is that your partner took the time to think about something that you’d enjoy, then went out and got it. Respond to that sentiment, rather than the gift itself.
You Would’ve Handled It Differently
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This is a mistake long-term couples make time and time again. Your partner handled a meeting with a boss, a fight with a friend differently than you would have handled it. Yeah – you don’t need to necessarily share that. What’s done is done. Saying how you would have handled things differently will only leave your partner ruminating and obsessing over something that can’t be fixed.
