Emotional Vulnerability Vs TMI: How To Draw The Line
TMI: Drawing The Line Between Emotional Vulnerability And Oversharing
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As soon as the phrase “catching feelings” became a thing, it was clear that a lot of people see emotions as a problem. We talk about catching feelings like they’re some sort of virus – some sickness that’s going around that needs to be cured. But it’s time to reveal the dirty little secret: most people want to be emotionally vulnerable and want to receive emotional vulnerability from a partner.
According to a recent survey from Hinge, 63 percent of daters think it’s appealing when someone is emotionally open on a first date. Here’s the catch: the survey also found that only 36 percent of men show emotional vulnerability on a first date. The rest are afraid of rejection or judgment.
For those who are afraid to show their emotions, there is something you should know. Married people who are emotionally open report feeling closer to their partners and handling conflict better than those who are emotionally closed off, says the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health. Translation: if you want that fulfilling, all-encompassing, uplift your life kind of love…you’ll have to open up. Now the question remains: how is a person supposed to show that they are emotionally accessible, without scaring someone off? Here’s how to walk the line between emotional vulnerability and oversharing.
If It’s Fresh, Don’t Go There

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If a difficult experience is fresh for you, then it might not be time to talk to a stranger about it. Those feelings are still raw, and it can be challenging to talk about the thing without completely falling apart right there in that cute wine bar. If you want to open up to a date about struggles you’ve had, it’s best to talk about things from the past that you are fully at peace with so you can remain calm and present.
Show Your Fun Side First

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Don’t dive right into the sob stories before the bartender has even taken your drink orders. Spend a good chunk of time showing your fun side, first. Whatever side of you that you choose to present first – that’s what your partner will perceive to be the bulk of your personality. So, be sure to talk about uplifting and humorous things for a while before diving deep. By the time you do get into something serious, your date will feel confident that you can switch back to light topics at any time because you’ve already shown your ability to do that.
Consider If It’s Triggering

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Some things that you share can be triggering for others. If you wind up in a serious relationship with someone, then eventually you probably will share some of those darker, more traumatizing parts of your past. However, consider if it’s necessary to mention those to a first date. Certain stories – even if you are at peace with them – could be very upsetting to someone hearing them for the first time.
Check The Clock

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This is important in almost any dynamic – including a date, a business lunch, or time with family. Watch the clock to make sure you don’t talk for too long about yourself. If you dwell on something, your date can start to feel like they’re in a therapy session rather than two people getting to get to know each other. Watch your date’s body language and facial cues. If or when they start to look bored or antsy, it’s time to move onto another topic, and ask them about themselves.
Be Mindful Of Tone

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Tone is everything when discussing heavy topics. Your date will follow your lead, and feel that whatever you share is only as big of a deal as you make it out to be. That being said, balance is key. If you talk about something dark and disturbing in a humorous tone so as to play it down, that could also make your date uncomfortable. Laughing off serious topics can make one appear uncomfortable with them instead of at peace with them. On the flip side, if you dim the lights, look around, lower your voice and get dramatic, that can be overkill, too. Your date shouldn’t feel that you are revealing something to them that you have never shared with anyone else in your life. Strike a medium tone that appreciates the gravity of the topic without bringing the room down.
No Regrets

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Once you have shared something deeply personal, have no regrets. Again, your date will follow your lead. They might think it was fine that you shared that, but if you start apologizing and asking if you upset them, they might think twice. Sharing, without apologizing, shows that you are comfortable in yourself and are not ashamed to open up.
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