Dear Ashley: How Do I Transition From Celibate To Cut Buddy?

DEAR ASHLEY: I Spent 15 Years Celibate, Now, I’m Ready For A Cut Buddy

Frustrated Black businesswoman working at desk

Source: JGI/Jamie Grill / Getty

Dear Ashley,

I’ve been single and celibate for 15 years and I absolutely hate it. If I could reverse time, I would go back 15 years ago, continue dating my ex and never make a stupid committment to abstinence again. It’s seriously my biggest regret, but it took me 13 years to realize it–I’m miserable. Here’s the backstory: 15 years ago, I got saved and drank the holy“kool aid.” I broke up with my then-boyfriend, went to Bible College, then to seminary. The whole time I never dated, never had sex and didn’t even masturbate.

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I was dry, dry, dry, dry as hell. I didn’t question it at all because everyone else around me was either doing the same thing, virgins or struggling to be faithful like me. I read the book Kissed Dating Goodbye is part of Pinky Promise and True love waits. Anything that was pro-abstinence, I was all about it. Then, I grew up and realized it’s not normal to not have sex for this long. To make matters worse, I’ve become completely disconnected from my body. When I finally started dating, I freaked out when a guy tried to kiss me.

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Fast forward, I reconnected with the boyfriend I dumped 15 years ago. Well, let’s just say it’s not normal when your last ex is from 15 years ago and that’s also the last person you’ve had sex with. He’s only interested in friendship and I just want a fuck buddy. He refuses to do it because he feels like it’s too much pressure to sleep with me when it’s been so long. Also he doesn’t think I’ll know what to do anymore. He thinks I’m still stuck in 2006 when I last had sex with him–whereas he has lived. There are things this man has done I didn’t even know were possible. If it were a game, I’m at level 0 and he’s defeated the whole game five times. He also wants sex with no strings and doesn’t believe I’m truly capable of this. So, he has drawn a hard line and won’t have sex with me.

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His unwillingness to have sex with me has literally been the source of fights because it’s all I want right now. My problem is I’m too scared for a random hook up, but clearly my ex is off the table. I’ve tried to meet other people, but it’s not really working well because if I’m not with my ex, I’m working. And to make matters worse, I can’t talk about this with any of my friends. They’re either super saved and still on the Pinky Promise hype ( no sex, no kissing) or they’re not saved at all but have high expectations of me and believe I shouldn’t be doing what they’re doing. I’ve tried dating apps, but it doesn’t go anywhere. I’m seriously desperate. I’m so sick of my vibrator and porn. I want the real thing. Seriously, I don’t know what to do, but I can not go one more year being celibate. I think I might die. I just want some dick. I want to meet someone new so I break this 15 year curse. Ugh, it’s so bad and I’m seriously miserable. I really hope you can help me.

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Sincerely

Celibate and Horny

Ms. Celibate and Horny,

Fifteen years is a long time! I salute you. You have a level of will power and self control I don’t possess. Back in my no sex, Pinky Promise days I made the decision to become celibate but unlike you, the desire to touch myself was just too strong and in the words of songtress Tweet, “I looked over to the left and I was feeling so good I had to touch myself.” I eventually gave up celibacy all together after three years.

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Let me say there is nothing wrong with wanting a man just to fuck! In fact, I encourage it. I believe women should experience what it is like to engage in sex for the mere pleasure of it, without any strings attached, at least once in their lives. So, ignore your friends who feel like you shouldn’t want sex soley for enjoyment. In order to have sex with no strings attached, you need to be absolutely clear on your expectations. Because you haven’t dated a man in the last 15 years, I can see your ex’s reservations. Finding available dick isn’t that hard, but are you mentally and emotionally prepared for the after effects? If you want sex with no strings attached, I think it’s best for you to have that experience with someone you don’t have a history with; it just makes the experience in my opinion less complicated.

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If unattached dick is what you want, then you need to stop spending all of your free time with someone who’s not giving you dick. It’s counterproductive as hell. Stop hanging out with your ex and go where the available men are. Sex clubs are a great place to find meaningless sex. Everyone at a sex club is there to have sex, but a sex club might be too much for you. I honestly suggest dating apps—I know you said you’ve tried them before but dating apps are sorta like shopping at the thrift store. You may find something worth keeping or you may not, but you have to keep digging through the bins to find out. Create a dating profile on multiple dating apps. Make sure to mention that you are not looking for anything serious and only want a causal connection. Swipe right on any and everybody that peaks your interest. Wait for them to match back and spark up a conversation. After a few conversations in most cases men will ask to meet in person.

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Before meeting though, run a background check to make sure they don’t have any criminal records or alarming history. Once you’re comfortable with your findings, meet them in person and then have sex. Since you’re not looking for anything serious or significant the timetable on when to have sex is up to you. I personally would have sex after one or two dates, and if something consistent develops…great but if not, at least you got your rocks off.

Dear Ashley is a weekly sex column where Sexpert Ashley Cobb answers your intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! Have a sex question, Ashley, “Your Favorite Friend In Filth,” has an answer. Email Ashley at ashley@sexwithashley.com

Ashley Cobb is the millennial microphone that brings the conversation of Black women’s pleasure to the forefront. Creator of digital platform Gossip And Gasms, her work and words have been featured in Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Shape Magazine, Business Insider, and Huffington Post. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter via @sexwithashley