12 Toxic Behaviors To Leave Behind In 2021

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Arguing On Social Media

People have a bad habit of airing their dirty laundry on Instagram and Twitter for every follower to see. Taking your arguments to social media is not a healthy way to express your anger or force another person to understand your point of view. Not only are you spreading your personal business for irrational reasons but you are embarrassing yourself and the person you’re have conflict with. If you can speak your mind in front of a virtual audience who doesn’t care, you can say how you really feel to the person who has actually made you feel some type of way.

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Trolling In People’s Comments

Speaking of social media, it is also a place where body shaming and bullying takes place. We’ve seen a teary-eyed Lizzo have emotional breakdowns over the hurtful comments about her body and even Cardi B has deactivated her accounts a few times to escape the trolls. The celebrities aren’t the only ones dealing with this problem though. From teenagers to Instagram influencers, no one is safe from an unprovoked virtual lashing. Freedom of speech is real but it doesn’t mean speak without purpose or hurt people’s feelings.

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Being A Controlling, Disrespectful Parent

During my work as a therapist, I’ve heard many clients say that their parents use their title as mother or father as a way to demand things they don’t deserve or are not entitled to. Parents have a bad habit of telling their adult children that because they are the parent they are obligated to oblige them at any cost, whether it’s giving them their money, speak to them rudely or allowing them to have control in their adult lives. This is not only false but also very toxic. Being a parent doesn’t mean you can disrespect your son or daughter and demand that they be indebted to you because you raised them. Your child is still a human being and deserves to be respected, have boundaries and be able to express their feelings.

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Emotional Blackmailing

Emotional blackmailing is another form of manipulation used when a person makes someone feel guilty, fearful and obligated to do something for them. The blackmailer makes it seem like they aren’t trying to be manipulative and are doing you a favor or being reasonable or even helpful. If the person doesn’t oblige, the blackmailer responds by making them feel selfish, ungrateful, like they will be hurt if you don’t help them or like you will lose if you don’t do what they ask. We see this kind of behavior in so-called friends, family members or even coworkers.

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Personalizing

When someone personalizes, they believe that they are the cause of someone’s behavior or that they have something to do with the outcome of a situation. This is an error in thinking that can lead to distress, anger and negatively affect relationships and self-image. Personalizing can also be when a person blames themselves for something going wrong without sufficient evidence or thinking they are responsible for something that has nothing to do with them (like someone else’s happiness.) The phrase “everything is not about you” is not a jab, it’s facts.

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Colorism

Determining how valuable, deserving or beautiful someone is based on their complexion is a terribly toxic practice that has somehow continued to exist for decades. If you’re discriminating against people in your own ethnic group based on their complexion as we approach 2022, there is some serious reflection (and probably therapy) that needs to take place. Complexion and worth are not related.

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Toxic Masculinity

Let’s stop assuming that women have to fit into specific gender roles in order to prove their femininity or make a man feel more comfortable or powerful. It’s limiting to women and turns a blind eye to their capabilities and talents just because they are a woman. Toxic masculinity is also detrimental to men as well because attaches specific characteristics to them that they “must” exude because they are men.

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Homophobia

One of the things that bothers me the most about homophobia is that it frames gay people to be hypersexual and hell-bound. Shaming someone based on their dating preferences is dehumanizing and happens too frequently to LGBTQ+ people. The homophobia that men show against other men is the most disturbing because they frame gay men as predatory because they are assuming that gay men gaze at straight men the same way straight men gaze at women. Their sexual orientation is none of your business and doesn’t define them nor dictate their lives. Worry about who is in your bed and no one else’s.

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Stigmatizing Therapy

Therapy has slowly become more accepted in the Black community but we still have a long way to go. Confiding in an unbiased, non-judgmental professional in a safe space where the focus is your own personal growth should not be shunned.

Sidebar: There’s constantly a call for more Black therapists as well and as a Black therapist I can tell you that we are here and not hard to find.

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Ghosting

If you don’t want to deal with someone after building a bond with them for a significant amount of time, disappearing without any explanation is not acceptable. Ghosting leads to people being on an emotional rollercoaster as they not only worry if something happened to the person but also trying to answer questions about why someone they care about would abruptly erase them from their life. It’s not justifiable and everyone deserves closure.

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Toxic Positivity

Comforting friends is not easy and when people have a lack of answer they resort to toxic positivity, which is when someone dismisses your feelings in order to reassure you that everything will be okay. Telling someone to be grateful for what they have, stay strong or to just pray about it pushes optimism on them during a time of distress. Plus, not being in good spirits doesn’t mean you’re not strong or a positive person. You don’t have the answers so it’s best to ask what you can do for them. When a loved one is expressing negative emotions, instead of minimalizing what they are saying, ask them what they need from you or how you can offer them support.