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A lot of dating can feel like throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks. But does it have to be? Dating requires a weird combination of using your heart and head. You have to go with your gut but also be methodical. —And people are usually better at knowing when to rely on either – head or heart – in every other area of life. When it comes to your career or your friendships, you might have a pretty good understanding of what’s working and what isn’t. But the pursuit of love has a way of giving us all foggy goggles. You get turned around. Sometimes you can’t tell if that weird feeling you have around someone is a spark or…a sign to run for the hills. It’s very unfair.
Some things cannot be predicted or controlled. There has to be a bit of patience, faith, and pure good luck when it comes to finding a match. However, there’s also such a thing as learning from previous experiences. When you have a bad experience once, it’s called a lesson. When you go down the same, familiar road again and have that experience again…that’s called a willful mistake. Very often, we do have the information we need to know whether or not to move forward with somebody. We’re just so tired of the search for love that we ignore it. However, you know that these might be ways you just waste your own time in dating.
Giving the repeat flake another shot
Sometimes, a person needs to cancel for a legitimate reason like a death in the family or an emergency at work. It happens. And if someone has seemed otherwise communicative and responsible in the getting-to-know-them process, but this occurs, you can give them another shot. If they offer a new day and time for the date, why not? But..if this happens a second time, and even a third time, you have to know the person is just flaky. They could have their “reasons” but what you are learning is that this person is either A) wishy-washy about you or B) just bad at managing their life. You don’t want to be with someone who is bad at time management, double-books themselves, forgets appointments, and so on. If it’s already happening in trying to plan a first date, it will happen throughout the relationship.
Trying to force chemistry
You hate when it happens. You meet somebody who is phenomenal on paper. They check all of your boxes. They have a look that you like. They’re social. They’re smart. They’re successful. They want kids. It goes on and on but you just aren’t getting those butterflies. You don’t feel that pull to be near them – to kiss them or more. Maybe they even kissed you and the feeling was just…wack. But dammit they check all of those boxes, so you go on more and more dates, hoping chemistry will occur. It is worth it to try a few dates to see if that spark can come up when the compatibility is there, but if it’s just not working after weeks or months—move on.
Looking for your “type”
Having a “type” is actually a form of being judgmental. Let’s say, for example, your type is a “alpha guy.” If you’re looking for exterior traits, then you’re assigning personality traits to those that may or may not exist. With this issue, it’s about communicating what really matters to you. Instead of putting, “I like an alpha guy” on your dating profile, think beyond that. Do you like guys who are…reliable? Ambitious? Family-oriented? Don’t take life too seriously? What are the underlying qualities you’re looking for? They won’t be found in a physical “type.”
Dating before you’re ready
If you’re just throwing yourself back into the dating game in order to avoid the pain of a recent breakup, you know that rarely ever works. You keep trying to run faster and faster from the feelings you don’t want to process. You plow through dates and flings, hoping that pain will go away, but it probably doesn’t. You can process now or you can process later, but putting it off just means wasting your own time and the time of those you date. If you’re still hurting from a failed relationship, you probably aren’t ready to date and any efforts in that area are a waste of time for now.
Pining after the unavailable
You find a guy who you think is perfect for you but…he’s taken. He’s either married or he’s dating somebody. But the chemistry is there. You talk a lot. You know you could be good together. Maybe you even go so far as to…become a side chick. But the truth is that that arrangement rarely transforms into a legitimate relationship. There are a lot of reasons men don’t leave their girlfriends for their side chicks, which we go over here. If a man is not available and is not willing to make himself available to you, pursuing that is a waste of time.
Trying to change someone
You meet someone who checks a lot of boxes for you, but there is one thing that doesn’t work for you. Maybe he’s not as ambitious as you’d like. You think he’s cute and funny and affectionate. You like his friends. The sex is great. You just wish he had bigger goals. So you decide to take him on as a project. You’ll find him classes to take. You’ll make professional introductions. You’ll find networking events for him to attend. But look: you can’t create a fire in somebody that isn’t there. If he doesn’t want this change for himself, it will never fully take hold. You’ll wind up exhausted and resentful, even though he showed you who he was from the start.
Hoping to flip a non-committal dude
A guy tells you right away that he is not looking for anything serious. That’s okay, you say. You can change that, you say. Guys say that until they meet you, you think. So here’s what really happens with those dudes. You wait around, while they totally date/sleep with other women (as they said they would), hoping they just realize one day that you’re the one for them and…they never do. OR, you do somehow convince them to be monogamous/serious for a while, but they eventually realize that’s not in their nature and they cheat on you. It’s a waste of time and a heartbreak all in one.
Ignoring red flags
Those red flags pop up. It’s little things at first. He loses his temper with a server at a restaurant. He talks to his mom on the phone eight times a day. You justify things in your head. Maybe the server did mess up too much. Maybe it’s sweet that he talks to his mom so much. He definitely doesn’t have like…anger issues…right? Nah. And he’s definitely not a mama’s boy who will always put his mother before you…right? No way. That’s what you tell yourself. But you can only tell yourself that for so long until the red flag grows into a giant tent that’s covering and setting the vibe for your entire relationship. Red flags are your friends. Pay them attention.
Ignoring deal breakers
You meet a guy and it’s pippin’. You can’t imagine things feeling more perfect. But, there’s just one thing and it’s kind of a big thing that will ruin everything and cannot be stopped. For example, he’s moving to Atlanta for a job in three months. Or, he does not want children – he already has several from a previous relationship and tells you he’s all set. You can sense these boulders pummeling towards you, ready to destroy this relationship, but you just carry along. It’s usually easier to walk away before feelings get strong in these situations than to wait until it devolves into a painful mess.
