Source: svetikd / Getty
It can be difficult to imagine this, but long before algorithms in dating apps matched your profile with another user based on a hundred mysterious figures, numbers, and data, there were human matchmakers–some professional, some not. Some were just your friends or meddling family members who kept inviting you over for a “friendly” dinner, only to reveal there was someone there they wanted you to meet. But ultimately, that’s all any dating app or site is: it’s a robot matchmaker. And, sure, algorithms are nifty. Sometimes they even work. Stanford University reports that matchmaking is one of the biggest jobs online algorithms do these days. So nobody is doubting their legitimacy. However, an online algorithm will never be able to detect that certain je ne sais quoi that a human can.
If you dabble in or even frequently engage in the art of matchmaking, National Matchmaker Day is celebrating you. You’re one of the special few who are brave enough to try to make love happen. You care enough about the people in your life to want them to find love. And, because you’re no robot, you can pick up on those certain special qualities an algorithm never will. That doesn’t mean you’re methods are flawless though. A robot has one leg up humans don’t: it can stay out of the drama. Nobody calls an algorithm to yell at it when their date is a major fail. But you, human matchmaker, can get the blame when your matches don’t pan out. So, if you’d like to avoid that, here are the dos and don’ts of setting up friends.
Don’t cause cross-sectional drama
Remember that news gets around and if anybody is upset with this match, you could be the one stuck with the angry phone calls. And that means anybody. So, for example, maybe don’t set one friend up with a guy when you know a different friend is madly in love with that man. Can you gently, subtly get the two in the same place? Sure. But if the friend who is in love with the guy (who you know is all wrong for him) ever finds out you made that match happen, she may never forgive you. Don’t set one friend up with another friend’s ex, either. These are just some examples of cross-sectional drama. You’ll need to think for a minute if this match could anger anyone else in the friend circle.
Do think beyond hobbies and interests
If you’ve ever personally been set up with someone, and quickly realized the match was made all over a simple shared hobby, then you know it’s insulting. You were annoyed. “Wow. We both play dodgeball so my aunt thought we should get married.” It doesn’t show a lot of care or attention on the matchmaker’s part. So, go beyond hobbies and interests. Research out of Utah State shows that shared values are a core component of a happy relationship. So think about that. Do they both value…family? Honesty? Religion? Being reliable? Doing community service? These are things that go beyond having a shared interest in gaming or soccer.
Don’t send them on a real date
An expert matchmaker never really lets her subjects know what is happening. You recognize that a straightforward date is awkward. Dates aren’t natural. There is this pressure in the air of, “Well the clock is ticking and we must decide if we are a romantic match by the end of the night or it’s off!” Nobody wants that. It’s not a normal way to get to know somebody. Two people get to know each other best when they don’t even realize their job is to get to know each other. So, find a subtle way to get them to the same place. Invite them both to a dinner party. (Don’t make them the only two single people there—that’s too obvious). You might need to get them to the same place a couple of times before they, naturally, begin to realize there’s a spark.
Do talk each one up
Subtlety is the name of the game again here. A matchmaker never shows her cards. Find discreet ways to slip nice things about each person into conversation, when talking to the other. If you’re skilled at it, it will feel like an off-handed comment. You’ll need to pay close attention and find those natural moments to bring up nice things about each person in the other’s presence. You’re just paving the path a little bit. You’re creating a lens through which each person sees the other. You’re giving them the best chances at noticing the other’s attributes.
Don’t share their secrets
You will be privy to some information that you might want to share. Maybe it’s something one said about the other after a date. You really want to share it, because you want to help each person have the best chance of making this work. But you have to let nature take its course. Think of it this way: when two people who don’t have common friends date, they don’t have some middle woman telling them what the other is thinking/saying. And yet, they make it work. It’s not really healthy to the formation of a new relationship to have you, the matchmaker, stepping in and sharing with each person, secretly, what the other shared in confidence. Each should be allowed to reveal just what they want to the other, and that’s that.
Do understand they’ll still date around
You should know from your own experiences that it’s normal and even healthy to go on dates with several people. Even if one person catches your attention, it’s good to get to know different people and not put all of your eggs in one basket when you don’t even know that…basket. Or person. So don’t get upset if the people you’ve set up are still taking dates with other people. That doesn’t mean it isn’t working out. This is the normal course of things. If they’re meant to be, they’ll slowly drop the other people. They don’t owe you instant monogamy just because you set them up.
Don’t micro-manage
If the two do go on a date, and then several dates, do not micromanage. Don’t step in and demand to know what sorts of dates they have planned and what each will wear. Don’t try to instruct them on what to talk about or not talk about. Once they’ve started dating, you have to know that your work is done. If they really are a match, they will overcome small hiccups and misunderstandings. Real chemistry and compatibility is stronger than a little bump in the road. Micromanaging won’t ensure they stay together: it will only ensure they distance themselves from you.
Do remain a neutral party
Should this match become something of a relationship, the two might talk to you about each other. They might come to you when the other is annoying them or when there’s been a disagreement. This is when you’ll need to be rather neutral. This is also when you’ll be grateful you were a subtle matchmaker. If they don’t realize you made this happen, they can’t come to you, insisting you get involved when they have an argument. And you should remain neutral, because both people are your friends. If you side with one, or say a mean word about one to the other when they’re fighting, you could cause drama for yourself.
