As young girls who had never experienced love, it all seemed so simple. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall in love. Or as the elementary rhyme states, “first comes love, then comes marriage”…and well, you know the rest. But as we got older, that fairy tale dream is replaced with a mediocre reality.
Now, fast forward to womanhood where heartache, emotional baggage and other factors have crept up into the equation. Something that once seemed so simple, in fact, became complex. Between our mothers, aunts, friends and even our own experiences, we’ve learned a thing or two along the way about love that has altered our perspectives and changed our actions.
While I’m not claiming to be a ‘love expert’ (I’m sure my ex-boyfriend would concur) , I can offer a few lessons on love that I’ve learned and am still trying to practice. Although simple in context, these lessons are sometimes forgotten when in a relationship.
LOVE LESSON 1: Love Like You’ve Never Been Hurt: While this popular quote from historical writer, Mark Twain sounds good, we know it is easier said than done. You’re probably thinking, Twain hasn’t had to endure lies, cheating and all the other things that prevent us from loving the way we should. If he had, he would know how difficult, and damn near impossible this can be.
But although difficult, it’s important to go into a new situation with a fresh heart. And if you’re still harboring negative feelings from your past, work on letting those go first.
LOVE LESSON 2: Don’t Be Afraid To Take Risks: As women, especially black women, we have learned to be protective of our hearts. And why not? It’s only human nature to protect yourself. Still, don’t miss out on a good thing by having your guard pulled up so far over your head that you can’t even see real love. Let alone, experience it.
LOVE LESSON 3: Embrace Friendship First: Before jumping into a relationship, get to know the person and become friends. You’ll soon realize that if you can’t be friends, chances are a committed relationship won’t last either.
In the book 10 Bad Choices That Ruin Black Women’s Lives, author Dr. Grace Cornish highlights the fact that love, kindness and respect equal friendship, and that “friendship is especially important for love to last longer.”
LOVE LESSON 4: Give What You Want in Return: Don’t expect to get what you aren’t willing to give. This is a simple concept that can make relationships much easier and so much more fulfilling. It’s almost like the good ole’ golden rule: treat others as you would like to be treated. In this case give your mate what you expect to receive.
LOVE LESSON 5: In the words of Lauryn Hill, “Mis-communication Leads to Complication”: The significance of communication is probably the most important love lesson I’ve learned.
Actor and best-selling author Hill Harper dedicated an entire book to the role communication plays in relationships. In The Conversation: How Black Men and Women Can Build Loving, Trusting Relationships, he emphasizes that the lack of communication amongst black men and women is having a lasting impact on the growth of their relationships, marriages and families. I’ve definitely learned this the hard way.
Madames, we’ve all had different experiences and learned different lessons. We would love to hear about your lessons on love!
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