You know how they say that with each experience is a lesson and if you have yet to learn from an experience than you are bound to repeat it again? Well consider me repeating a grade.
You know how it goes: Girl meets Boy, who appears to have all the qualities in a potential mate. Girl and Boy calls, text and hang out to get to know one another. Girl likes boy and girl thinks Boy likes her too. However, after a few months of great conversation and casual flirtation, Girl is wondering why Boy hasn’t advanced the relationship any further. So Girl puts on her woman pants and ask Boy if this attraction is mutual. Boy, flattered (so he says) tells Girl that while he thinks she is cute and great, he is just not emotionally ready for a serious relationship. Instead, Boy just wants to be friends with said Girl.
Ahhhh yes, the dreaded “friends” zone. A horrible phrase used, in most cases, to cover a wide range of meanings and offer just as much confusion. See, this is my bad. I have been here before -more times than I care to have been or even admit. I should have learned by now to never become emotionally exclusive with a dude before he fully commits. But I got the lesson now and hopefully, I won’t be bound to repeat it again.
But what do I do now that I have put all this energy into building this great rapport with this guy, who despite his lack of interest in a relationship is not a bad dude? I mean, we have lots in common and get along great. Perhaps by being his friend, he’ll one day come around and change the way he looks at our situation, right? Wrong.
I know that somewhere deep down inside of us, we think that if we stick long enough with a decent guy, who says that he is not ready for a relationship, and provide for him the compassion, understanding and in some cases, physical affection he needs, he will turn around and profess his love. Just like in the movies. But real life is not a fairytale script starring Sanaa Lathan and Taye Diggs. And one of the lessons I was taught many, many bad “friendships” ago was that once he has defined his relationship with you, no amount of nursing would change that.
On rare occasions a “just friends” situation can lead to a romantic relationship. However, those situations depend largely on two things: proximity (i.e. capitalizing off of his vulnerability) and an already established attraction. Sometimes folks, particularly those that just got out of a bad situation are not in a space to start a new relationship. But in general, a “Just friends” means that while he may like you, thinks you are a cool person and enjoys your company BUT he is not interested in you beyond that. Or it could mean that he kind of likes you romantically, however he wants to keep his options open to either the woman in his past that got away or some other chick he has been fawning over. Whatever way it is defined, a “just friends” label will ultimately put you in the category of a safety net.
Sure as women, we desire the relationships that are built off of being with a person, for whom the mental and emotional attraction is just as strong as the physical one. Which is why we can date and fall madly in love with a man, who might look like Shrek’s bigger and uglier brother but can make us laugh. However, that’s not how God, in his grand plan, decided to build men. Despite their insistence that they are capable of looking beneath a woman’s exterior, for the most part, men are really full of it. Generally speaking, it is face/body combo first; personality and whatever other attributes you have to offer comes second. It sucks but in the words of Michael Jackson, it’s just human nature.
That’s why in these type of situations; I can appreciate a man’s partial attempt at being honest when he drops the “let’s just be friends” line. But it still doesn’t mean that it is not a tough pill to swallow, especially when you were hoping for more. That is why it is important that once he utters that line, you must break all contact with him immediately. That means, no phone calls, no Facebook/Twitter stalking him and definitely no sleeping together. It also means for you to not get mad, or try to hurt him. And definitely don’t go blowing up his phone in the middle of the night with the jealous incoherent messages. Instead just thank him for letting you know and cut your loses while you are ahead.
Because ultimately it isn’t about him, it’s about you and establishing a relationship on your own terms. And while he may have his standards in what he wants in a woman, you have your boundaries in what you will not tolerate in a man. I’m not saying that eventually down the road, after some times has passed, that you can’t ever be friends. Hell, giving yourself space from your “friend” may make you re-evaluate why you ever liked him in the first place. And you may not want to be real friends. But as long as you feel something substantial than you should give yourself permission to sit out of the game for a bit. Being in a “just friends” situation, knowing that you want more, is only torturing yourself with the false hope that he will come around in the future. Most importantly, it is cock-blocking you from finding the guy out there, who is ready to define a relationship outside of just friendship.
Charing Ball is the author of the blog People, Places & Things.
