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Sometimes you have to wonder if the people who write or direct certain sex scenes in movies have ever had sex before – or at least that kind of sex. There are just some sex acts that appear so fun and exciting on screen but in real life, are anything but. There might be hundreds if not thousands of positions to try out there, but most real people who’ve tried them have learned that there’s a reason a lot of the classics are so popular: they’re the only ones where most people, most of the time…finish. Or at least don’t get injured or embarrassed in some way.
In general, TV and film have a way of giving people some unrealistic expectations about how a lot of love and sex acts go down. Just think of some of the grand gestures you see repeated over and over again in movies, like stopping someone at the airport or stopping someone from walking down the aisle. In a movie, it works out. In real life? It ends in security being called, punches being thrown, and worse. Don’t believe all you see in the movies. Especially the overly-choreographed sex scenes. Here are movie sex acts that are actually awkward in real life.
Doing it in a bathroom stall
If you’ve ever actually tried to do it in a bathroom stall, I hope you took a bath in rubbing alcohol afterwards because yuck. In general, angles are critical to good sex. And a tight bathroom stall requires everyone be standing upright. Somehow in the movies, people seem into it. In real life, standing sex calls for incredible leg strength on the part of the man. It basically could replace leg day for him. He just has to squat and stand, squat and stand, just to thrust. He’s exhausted before he can finish and that angle (or lack thereof) does nothing for the woman. Try straddling him on the toilet and suddenly you, the woman, are having your leg day. Also, again, gross.
Doing it in an airplane bathroom
The Mile High Club may sound swanky and sophisticated, but joining it is anything but. Airplane bathroom sex takes it to a whole new level. There is no room in there for two people. In real life, one person usually bumps the door wide open and goes stumbling into the hallway, pants down. And if you do manage to stay in there, you get to enjoy the wonderful odors that have been trapped in an airplane bathroom for hours if not days. Let’s not even get started on what happens if someone accidentally flushes that toilet and gets their foot stuck in it. Everyone is covered in blue chemicals and feels blue balled by the end of this.
Over-the-pants handies
Everyone knows the famous “Wedding Crashers” scene when Isla Fisher gives Vince Vaughn a handie under the dinner table and he looks like he’s in absolute heaven. If you haven’t seen it in that movie, you’ve seen it in another. Foot jobs under the table are also very popular in movies. But realistically…none of the grip or pressure required for a good handie can be accomplished with just some over-the-pants rubbing. And what happens when the poor guy is done? He just has to walk around with a mess in his pants. How is this hot? How is this practical?
Doing it on the beach
“Cocktail,” “The Beach,” “Grease”…so many movies make it seem like hooking up on the sand or in the water is such a great idea. Maybe being nearly nude in your swimsuits (or truly nude for skinny dipping) can get you in the mood, but what happens next on the beach will get you out of it. First, nobody talks about the phenomenon in which being wet by water actually makes a woman well…not wet. It’s something in our biology. So water sex is just uncomfortable. What about sand sex? No woman should ever risk getting sand in her vagina. Do you know how many germs are in that? That’s a UTI waiting to happen. Make out on the beach but move it to the hotel room.
Doing it in the middle of crying
Grief sex is a big thing in movies. How many hookups take place after a funeral? For Will Ferrell’s character in “Wedding Crashers,” that’s his whole game. He claims women are horny after a funeral. You see it in a lot in movies. Two people are bawling their eyes out after something terrible has happened. Maybe after one nearly dies in a fight or loses a loved one. And then…they start fiercely making out and doing it. In real life, who on earth is in the mood to have sex when they’re devastated? That would really be something worth exploring with a therapist. Sadness and sex don’t go together.
Car sex
If a set of TV or movie parents don’t sneak away to do it in the car are they even TV parents? Between moms and dads trying to get privacy from the kids to horny teenagers with nowhere else to go, a lot of people do it in the car in movies and TV shows. And when the camera zooms out, that car is rocking and the people inside are moaning. In real life, car sex is uncomfortable and sometimes painful. You get a gear shift in the wrong place and somebody may need to go to the hospital. Nobody can fully extend their legs. Somebody always has their arm stuck in a seat. It’s a mess.
A “good” virginity loss
“Bridgerton” is one of the most recent culprits of this one. But a lot of movies and shows do it. They have characters who enjoy their first time. Like, they’re thrilled. They immediately want to do it again and again. Excuse me: was anybody’s first time actually good? For women, it can be uncomfortable. Plus, nobody knows what they’re doing. Nobody knows how to get in position. The guy finishes too quickly. There’s a lot of awkwardly talking through it. It’s never this passionate, pleasurable thing you see in movies.
