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Do you believe that gender equality is improving or getting worse? Statista reports 21 percent of Americans believe gender and ethnicity inequality will get worse in 2021. However, McKinsey reports there has been a bit of progress in many areas over the last five years, with women having more legal protections, women being in more leadership roles, and women seeing more political representation. “A bit” are operative words there, as the progress has just been inching along. Change at higher levels, like in our political and legal systems, always starts at the social level. First, it’s about changing an individual’s mind about gender inequality, then a small group, then larger groups, and hopefully the world. But every interaction we have with someone who hasn’t opened their eyes to gender inequality is a chance to make a change at the root of the cause. People have to be passionate about the problem before systems care about it.
There are a lot of people who want to be on the right side of things, but, admittedly, just don’t know how. Men can be particularly confused right now about where their place is in this all. What’s the difference between chivalry and misogyny? Where is the line between being protective and just being patronizing? It can get messy. But just to make some things clear, below is a list of ways men, unfortunately, can get gender equality very wrong. Fellas, take note.
Standing back when we’re threatened
If you’re ever out with a woman – date, friend, female coworker, etc. – and another man is rude or aggressive with her, don’t just step back and let her handle it on her own. Just because women don’t necessarily want their male companions to shout at our hit another man who is being rude, doesn’t mean we want them to just skulk away to a corner, leaving us all on our own. This isn’t about gender: it’s about decency. When women are out together, if one feels threatened by someone, her friends don’t cower away and make the threatened one handle it on her own. They have her back. They stay close so she feels safe.
Letting her take the whole lead
In a massive overcorrection, some guys expect women to take the entire lead when it comes to courtship. Yes, the days of women sitting around, being powerless over their dating process, feeling they can’t make the first call or send that first text, are done. But that doesn’t mean that the entire onus is now on the woman to move the ball forward when dating someone. Guys, if you’re into a woman, try to be balanced about who initiates the next date, sending texts, making calls, and even going in for that first, second, or third kiss. Sitting around like a lump on a log and expecting the woman to do it all is not equality.
Failing to hold doors
Guys, if you’re walking in front of a woman and you reach the door to your destination first, hold the door for her. Yes, she’s completely capable of holding her own door, but this isn’t about chivalry or old-fashioned ideas. People hold doors for other people. Women hold doors for women. Women hold doors for children. Men hold doors for other men. Men hold doors for entire families. Again, it’s about human decency. (And if you worry about holding doors for women because one day, one woman lectured you about how she could hold her own door…she was just having a bad day).
Letting us pay every time
Sometimes people confuse the word “equality” with “reversal.” No, men shouldn’t have to pay for the dinner or the movie or the drinks every time. BusinessWire reported findings from an EliteSingles survey showing that nearly half of men still think men should pay for the first date. Just shy of 20 percent of women believe in going Dutch. You know what didn’t show up often? The idea that women should be paying for everything. Guys, if you want to go Dutch on a first date, that’s fine. And when you’re dating a woman, it’s expected you may take turns paying for things. But don’t become a mooch who lets her pay every time. There’s nothing equal about that.
Bosses bullying us to “make us stronger”
“Think like a man” “Act like a man.” This is annoying advice women get in the workplace all of the time. And, it’s not uncommon to find a male boss who is hard (read: verbally abusive) to his female employees under the excuse of, “I’m like that to all of my employees. I don’t want to give the women special treatment. That’d be sexist. I’m hard on them, because it makes them stronger. Like the men.” Hmmm. How about this: how about instead of a boss who is verbally abusive to all of his employees to be “equal,” what if that boss were to be verbally abuse to…nobody? That would also be equal treatment, and one that makes for a happier workplace.
Stay-at-home-parent assumptions
Pew Research Center reports that the number of stay-at-home-dads has increased massively in recent decades. And that’s great – that shows a diminishment of the antiquated idea that the moms should always be the ones to stay at home. But, we should really be eliminating the notion of “should” with any parenting arrangement. So, to new dads out there: pressuring your wife to go to work, when she wants to be a stay-at-home-mom, with phrases like, “Well, aren’t you a feminist?” and “This is the new way of the world” isn’t really right. Every family has to decide what’s best for them, and take it on a case-by-case basis. Having the dad stay home is a wonderful new option that society is more open to, but still, all options should be discussed.
Ordering first at a restaurant
I’ve seen a growing trend of men ordering before the women at a restaurant as some odd way of appearing feminist. With something like this, it’s all in the execution. A simple, “Do you mind if I order first?” to the table is always appreciated. Instead, some men will see the server ask the woman what she wants, bulldoze their way in, and forcefully order first. It’s just rude. It’s not feminist. It’s an overcorrection again. With these things, feel it out. Take it case-by-case. It’s also okay if the woman still orders first sometimes. This is a very silly issue to even “take a stance on.” Show feminism by paying your female employees the same as the men: not by ordering your huevos rancheros before everybody else.
“You’re free to screw around, and so am I”
Some really clever men are using “gender equality” as a means for just being players. Countless female friends of mine have now had guys they’d been dating for a few months sleep with other women, and say, “You’re free to do the same! I encourage you to. Women can sleep around, too!” Wow. How gracious of them. As sex-positive as that is of them, it assumes that every woman wants to be in an open thing, or doesn’t want monogamy. That should always be a conversation. Communication is key. What’s really happening here is not a man who is feminist: it’s a man who wanted to screw around, didn’t want to have an open conversation about it, and used feminism as an excuse when he was caught.
Never making a plan
In an attempt to not be “bossy,” some men defer all of the date planning to the woman. “You pick the place” “You tell me what you’d like to do” “You make the plans.” It can feel like we’re being given homework, more than we’re being given authority. Everybody occasionally enjoys having someone else take control, and just make the plans. Research the restaurants. Buy the tickets. Make the reservations. Both men and women enjoy having this in a relationship. If men stop this entirely and expect women to do it all, that is, again, not equality. That’s just laziness under the guise of feminism.
Letting us carry our own things
I remember hilariously pushing a large cart of boxes past the feminist studies building at NYU. I was really struggling. I was clearly having a hard time. One male student after another came out of the building, saw me struggling, and just kept walking. Hey guys: while we appreciate you wanting to learn about the ways the patriarchy has oppressed women for centuries, can you also just be a regular human being and help another human being you see struggling? Women help other women carry heavy things! There’s nothing misogynistic about just lending a hand to a fellow human being in need.
