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When it comes to our careers, many people can agree that success occurs when preparation meets opportunity. One part of that you can control, and one part you cannot. You can take all the classes and get your portfolio in fighting shape and do all of the interview prep. That’s what you can control. You cannot control when you will meet just that perfect person to move your career ahead at an acquaintance’s New Year’s Eve party. You cannot control when the person who currently has the job you want walks out on her job, or whether or not anyone will tell you in time for you to swoop in. That’s all where opportunity comes into play. Missed opportunities sting, but you always have to remember that what’s yours will be yours. All of this is true for romantic relationships, too. A successful one will combine preparation (i.e. personal work) and opportunity (i.e. timing).
The problem is that so many people think that they can bypass the timing element of this – that somehow they will be the ones who make it work, when the timing is just trash. A very lucky handful of couples do make it work against all odds when the timing would have dictated otherwise. But, it’s not usually the best idea to make one’s plans in the hopes that they are the rare case. So, with the understanding that this isn’t always true, but it’s usually true, here are times it’s best not to get involved with somebody.
When they’re separated
Dating someone who is separated is complicated. The type of separation will heavily dictate how messy things will be, and whether or not this is even headed for divorce (we cover more on that here). But ultimately, the “easiest” separation you can hope to get mixed up in is one where all the love is gone. There are no feelings left. That person is “technically” emotionally available. The problem is that…just because someone is no longer in love with their spouse doesn’t mean that they have emotionally disconnected from the life they built with that spouse, or the broken dreams they’d had for that union. Marriage is about so much more than feeling in love. It’s a partnership. It’s the foundation for one’s life. Mourning that is a long process, and getting involved with someone who is currently doing that will likely lead to heartbreak for you as you’ll never feel like top priority.
When they just barely came out
Nearly anyone in the LGBTQ+ community today can tell you they’ve had this experience. It’s so common. If you identify as someone in that community, and you have for a long time aka you’re very comfortable with who you are and you’re completely out, you deserve to be with someone who is also in that space. So meeting someone who is just now realizing they are not straight, or perhaps someone who has known for a while but either A) just came out or B) still hasn’t come out to others, will usually lead to heartbreak. As many of my non-straight friends have put it, being with someone who isn’t fully out and proud about it can feel like getting “Pushed back into the closet”, as they ask their romantic partner to be secretive about the relationship. You didn’t put in the hard work of doing the personal work and fighting to be respected and honored for who you are, just to have someone ask you to…shut that down.
When they’re in a 12-step program
Twelve-step programs can be incredibly effective. Research has even found they help alcoholics achieve sobriety better than therapy does. So if you are in one, consider following the leader’s or your sponsor’s advice closely. And if you meet someone who is in one, encourage them to do the same. Here’s the thing though: most 12-step programs will strongly recommend that members do not engage in a romantic relationship until the program is completed, and sometimes even for up to a year after that. Doing a 12-step program is part of a major healing journey, meaning someone likely still has wounds they need patched up. And as the saying goes, “Hurt people hurt people,” so…dating someone in such a program might hurt. Their recovery needs to be their first, second, and third priority, which puts their romantic partners fourth. That’s one of the reasons 12-step sponsors strongly discourage romantic relationships while someone is in the program.
When they’re launching a business
If you start a new relationship with someone who is launching a business – say they’re opening a restaurant or going live with their startup tech company – you will often wonder if they’re cheating on you. They’ll go MIA for days on end. They’ll take days to respond to texts. They’ll have to bail on plans at the last minute. They’ll sneak out of bed at 5am for a call. But they (probably) aren’t cheating: they’re making their life’s dream come to fruition and it takes all of their attention and energy. If you’re with someone for years and are able to establish a good foundation before they start a business, the relationship can make it through that. You’ll understand that, for a while, you won’t be top priority. But starting a new relationship when someone is in that place can lead to a lot of disappointment. One great rule for starting a new relationship is this: make sure the person is at a place in their life where they can give this relationship a lot of attention.
When they’re recovering from grief
Not that you were wondering, but in case you were: a funeral might not be the best place to pick up a date. At least not if that date was close to the deceased. If you meet and hit it off with someone who just lost somebody to whom they were close, they may not be in a good place to launch a relationship. They may think they are. They may insist that they are. But, grief has a way of making one not quite sure what they need. Grief makes someone grasp at any sort of comfort or distraction. And you could accidentally become just that – a comfort or distraction. But once someone is over their grief, the comfort or distraction may no longer be…required. It’s also just difficult to start a relationship when one person will need so much more attention/affection than the other. New relationships should be fairly balanced two-way streets. Again, if you’re with someone for a long time and then they suffer a loss, of course the relationship will be about them for a while. But that’s a tough way to establish a new relationship.
When they just broke up with someone
Someone who is fresh off a breakup is technically single – technically. But their mind is still somewhere else. Sure, there are those cases where the love was gone long before the breakup became official. But even still, it’s typically healthy for someone coming off a long-term relationship to take some time to themselves before diving into something new. If they try to skip that step and get involved with someone new right away, they’ll probably just realize later – during that relationship – that they weren’t quite ready for that yet. And then everybody gets their hearts re-broken. If you meet someone who just got out of a multi-year, possibly cohabitating relationship who wants to dive into it with you, beware: they may be a serial monogamist who needs to work out some stuff.
When they or you are about to move
Why put yourself through it? You hit it off with somebody, have a magical weekend together, and then they tell you, “I’m actually moving across the country for work next month.” Could this be the love of your life with whom you should pursue an expensive and emotionally difficult long-distance relationship that won’t actually give you a real glimpse of what being with them would look like because long-distance relationships are sort of fairytale ones? Could it be? Um…sure. Maybe. There’s a teeny, tiny possibility. But it is important to be aware of the pitfalls of long-distance love. It is, in fact, quite difficult to assess how you operate as a couple, in real life, when your only time together is essentially spent on vacation. Many individuals put years and thousands of dollars into these relationships only to eventually realize, “Oh, we’re not happy when we live and work in the same city. We’re just happy meeting up at Marriotts on three-day weekends.”
You’re in different stages of life
Age-gap love can work. It’s not so much the age difference as it is the stage of life difference that can be problematic. Perhaps you meet someone who is 55 when you’re 32. The maturity levels could match up. However, you may still very much be in a place where you want to go out and have an active social life, and they may be ready for a quieter nightlife. This can leave you having to choose between seeing friends, or being with your partner, which means less time together, and eventually, a feeling of leading separate lives. That’s just one example of an age-gap romance that can face issues, but there are many others. So you just have to ask yourself if, right now, your life goals match up.
