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Are women having fewer children? Maybe the bigger question is, are fewer women having children? Once you’re in the mom club, having two versus four children won’t make a tremendous difference in your social life. You’re officially a parent, and that comes with all the changes family life brings. The bigger change in lifestyle happens when you go from zero kids, to that first kid. And studies are finding that much fewer women are making the leap than ever. Since the 1950’s, the number of women having children each year has plummeted. So, childless women, you’re part of a growing group. That being said, if you are a woman who doesn’t have kids, you can sometimes feel like the odd one out. Sure, fewer women are having children, but more still are, than aren’t, so in any given female friend group, you’re likely to find more women who are moms, than who aren’t.
I’m slowly becoming that woman in my friend group, as baby announcements seem to flood my mailbox. I’m losing my friends to their kids. I get it – that’s the natural order of things. You may think, “Well, why don’t the dads take the kids more, so the moms can have fun?” Sure would be nice! But research has found that some antiquated gender roles remain strong, as moms are the ones who still spend the most time with their children. Translation: it’s their social lives, more than the dads’, that take a hit. I’ve learned if I’m going to keep these friendships I cherish, I’ll have to make some adjustments. Here are ways friendships change when you’re the only one without kids.
You learn to take a new interest in their new interest
What do you and your friends typically talk about when you get together? Probably, whatever has been going on in your lives. For your mom friend, what’s been going on in her life is motherhood. That’s finding the bottle her baby responds to best, sleep training, frustrating pediatricians, some new weird habit her kid has picked up, and everything parenthood. When you don’t have kids, you don’t relate to any of this. You feel you have nothing to contribute. You have no similar story to share. You don’t really know what she’s talking about. So, just like when you first met, and you got to know this friend, you almost feel you have to get to know her all over again. You have to re-learn what’s happening in her life, and what matters to her, so you can be prepared to make valuable contributions to conversation.
Everything must happen earlier
Push everything up by several hours. Everything. Want to have dinner with this friend? Those leisurely 8pm dinners are a thing of the past. Her kids go to bed by 9pm. She needs to/wants to be there for the tuck-in. Dinner must be at 5:30 now. Even if she has a babysitter or her partner is taking on parenting duties for the night, she has to get up ta 2:30 am to nurse her baby, or 6:30 am to get everyone ready for school. So she doesn’t want to meet up for drinks at 9pm. You’ll need to adjust the schedule. Perhaps, now, you meet her for her dinner at 5:30, while you just enjoy a drink, and then later meet other friends for an 8 pm dinner.
You feel left out of conversations
When there’s a group of women consisting of your mom friend, and her mom friends, you instantly feel like the weird one. When it’s just you and your friend, she’ll take a moment to stop and explain what certain mommy terminology is. But when it’s a group of moms? They’re talking so fast, all about mom stuff, and you get dizzy. There have already been six topics you didn’t understand. You won’t slow the group down by asking them to stop and explain things to you. You just stand there, feeling like a lump on the log with nothing to contribute to this conversation about which formula company changed their ingredients slightly.
Or, you feel like you’re ruining everything
Sometimes, a group of moms will become aware that you, and you alone, do not have children. They’ll say, “Oh we’re sorry, this stuff must be boring for you. Enough mom stuff.” It’s a nice gesture, but then you watch them try very hard to talk about other things when they so clearly want to talk mom stuff. Now you feel like you’re ruining everyone’s time and forcing them to avoid the topic they enjoy most, juts to make you comfortable. They’ll slip up, bring up a parenting thing, and slap themselves on the wrist saying, “There I go again! So sorry!” but you’re the one who feels bad.
Restaurants must be kid-friendly
Many of the places you used to love going with your friend are off-limits now. That amazing rooftop bar overlooking the beach with the swanky cocktails? Yeah, that’s not going to work. There isn’t any railing at the edge of the roof, and the firepits aren’t kid-friendly. What about the restaurant you used to have girls’ night at? It’s your regular spot. Not anymore. They don’t have a kid’s menu and they won’t make a kid-size portion. Your friend doesn’t want to buy a $27 entrée for her five-year-old, understandably. But if we’re being honest, the restaurants designed for kids don’t exactly have avant-garde culinary creations.
Conversations will feel very fragmented
You and your friend used to sit down over a bottle of wine and really get into some deep, engaging conversation. You’d share about your lives. You’d tell each other stories. When kids are present, there isn’t time for a full story. Everything you want to say must be broken into 20-second fragments, or just be prepared to pause a lot. One kid spills something, or needs help opening something, or screams for no reason, or tries to touch something dangerous. Your friend’s attention is only 30 percent on you. You start refraining from sharing any really important stories because it’s painful to have your meaningful update interrupted so often. You understand why it happens, but it isn’t any less frustrating.
Media must be kid-friendly
You’re at a dinner party or barbecue. Things are winding down. You meander over to the TV to just put something on in the background. You’ve done this many times before at your friend’s place. But then, you get in trouble for putting on something that isn’t kid-friendly. Now you’re given the task of finding something kid-friendly to play. You instantly learn that A) the options are limited and B) none of them are interesting to you. You just became the curator of a kid’s movie night when you were just trying to play “Snakes on a Plane” in the background during dessert.
You must kid-proof your home
When friends who have kids come over, you need to kid-proof your home. You don’t have kids so you’re not at all used to arranging your home, or buying things for the home, with child safety in mind. But more and more of your friends are bringing kids over, so you have to learn to think this way. You must child-proof your home not only to keep the kids safe, but also to keep your belongings safe. Your expensive and fragile pieces of art must be put away. Certain tables must be covered because they have sharp edges. You pick up floor plants because the kids either spill juice on them or try to eat them. Having friends over did not used to require this preparation.
You really, really can’t flake
If your mom friend agrees to an adult-only girls’ night, you better not flake on her. She either already hired a babysitter who will require payment whether or not the night happens. Or, she got her partner to agree to watch the kids, but in exchange for some grueling favor she’s already done him. Maybe he said no to plans, because he thought he’d be busy with the kids, and now it’s too late for him to join in on those plans. A lot goes into making an adult-only night happen for a mom, so you have to be the most reliable person and make sure you stick to the plan.
But accept that they’ll flake often
While you must be extremely reliable for your mom friend, you must accept that she can’t be. If one of her kids gets sick, if the babysitter gets sick, if a kid’s entire school gets sent home because one has lice, if a child swallows a marble and has to go to the hospital, if a kid gets suspended…your mom friend has to cancel. You can’t say a word. It’s not her fault. She can’t just get lunch with you when her kid is in the emergency room. If you make plans with a mom friend, make sure the entire plan doesn’t 100 percent rely on her being there. Because you can’t 100 percent rely on that. She feels bad enough as it is so, you can’t really say anything.
