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Sometimes, it just feels good to vent, right? You need to complain about a situation and release your emotions in a safe space, before re-engaging and working on a solution. Research has shown that venting can be good for us. It’s a healthy way to regulate emotions since venting is typically done to a third, uninvolved party. When you talk to someone who has nothing to do with the problem, you can really let your thoughts and feelings out without fear of repercussions. But there is one more thing the research found that can be very valuable for couples to know: the most successful venting sessions rely on how the listening party responds. It showed that the listening party should affirm the venter’s feelings and experience. It sounds pretty logical, right? However, if you’re romantically involved with a man, you may find he often misses the mark there.
The TV dad/husband stereotype of the man who goes right into solution mode exists for a reason: men kind of do that a lot. It’s their way of showing they care. If you tell your partner about a problem you have, he likely interprets that as you asking him to fix it. Historically, men haven’t been as encouraged as women to explore their feelings before diving into action, so they might transfer some of their habits onto your problem. Sometimes, all you want is for your partner to support you – not fix things. These are some of those times.
When you fight with a friend
Sometimes, you fight with your best friend. Okay maybe your best friend gets on your nerves a lot. She’s your best friend, after all, so you talk a lot, spend plenty of time together, and are highly invested in each other’s lives. And sometimes your best friend gets on your last nerve because she, again, invited someone else to your dinner party without asking, canceled on you at the last minute, or did whatever it is she always does that pisses you off. You want to complain to your partner. You want him to tell you how annoying that is, and how wrong that is that she does that. You don’t want him to just blurt out, “Well then babe why don’t you just tell her fill in solution here.” You’re going to get around to that! But you need to vent first.
When a coworker is bothering you
You have a coworker who is disrespecting you, undermining you, bothering you…you name it. They always make mistakes that you need to fix. They are incompetent and need your help so much that it interferes with your work. They say condescending things. They passive-aggressively point out your mistakes to the boss. It’s bullsh*t, and you shouldn’t have to put up with it. So you come home, tired from work, collapse onto the couch and tell your partner all about it. What does he do? He starts formulating some response for you to tell the coworker or a superior. He starts asking if someone in HR can do something. You know those options are there, and you will pursue them. But first, you just need to let it out.
When your mom is on one again
Your mom knows how to get under your skin. Maybe, when you tell her anything about your life – including the good things – she finds a way to hone in on the one little mistake you made, and criticize that. Or maybe she just doesn’t give your victories enough attention and changes the topic to the weather or celebrity gossip quickly. Maybe she’s a diva who makes it very difficult to make plans because she must have things a certain way. You just got off one of these phone calls with her when she made your blood boil. You tell your partner about it. And he says something like, “Maybe you two should go to therapy” or “So babe why do you still call your mom so much?” Ugh. Can’t he just agree with you that your mom is a pain in the *ss sometimes?
When a presentation went poorly
You had to give a presentation of some kind at work. Maybe you had to speak at a conference. Maybe you had a pitch meeting for your business. It just didn’t go as you’d hoped. You didn’t make some of your points clearly enough. You forgot an important material. The projector was having issues. You’re just defeated and feel embarrassed. You vent to your partner about it, and what does he do? He starts making recommendations like keeping an extra copy of important materials in your car and arriving early to make sure the projector is working before the others get there. This is not what you wanted. You’ve already thought of those solutions on your own.
When you’re tired
We’re never too old to get grumpy/sleepy like we did as toddlers. Sometimes, you’re just absolutely beat. You haven’t been sleeping enough. You could melt onto the floor. You tell your partner this – that you haven’t been sleeping well. And he, of course, just begins looking up links for blackout curtains and sound machines to help you sleep. He tells you that you need to stop drinking coffee in the afternoon and that you really shouldn’t watch that scary show you like before bedtime. He asks if you exercise enough during the day to tire yourself out. What a fool. You just want him to hold you. You already ordered melatonin and a sound machine.
When there’s too much on your plate
Sometimes, you’ve just taken on too much. You’re organizing one friend’s baby shower and another friend’s bachelorette party at the same time. There’s a new hire at work and you’re doing most of her training because the other manager is slacking off. You agreed to help a friend move this weekend and attend another’s singing performance. You’ve just taken on too much and you need to complain about it. Then your partner goes into fix-it mode and says, “Well babe just ask one of your other friends to help with the baby shower and tell that manager to step it up, and if you can’t make it to your friend’s performance, she’ll understand.” This, of course, you knew. You just wanted him to sympathize and tell you that you work too hard and are such a good friend.
When you’re feeling jealous
Hey, jealousy can catch up to all of us sometimes. Maybe you’ve been working so hard to get your, say, interior design business off the ground. You’re doing all the right things. And you’re doing the same things as a competitor, but you see this other woman gaining more followers on social media, getting bigger gigs, and even getting featured in local magazines and newspapers. So you just start to compare….just a little. You start pointing out some of the things you do better than her. It’s the green monster and you know it, but can’t you just be envious/petty for a minute? Not when your partner comes in and tells you that it’s not useful to get jealous. How annoying. He should just tell you that you are better and that it’s not fair.
When you didn’t get the job
You’ve been sending out resumes like crazy and taking job interviews left and right, on Zoom and in person. You get to the second and third round of interviews. Things feel so close, so many times, and then…nothing. Crickets. You learn that they hired somebody else. You’re meeting your wit’s end. You just don’t know what you’re doing wrong, and you’re struggling to maintain any sense of hope. You want your partner’s comfort and support. Instead, he pulls up your resume and Linkedin profile and starts giving you notes. He suggests conducting a fake job interview so he can see what you’ve been doing wrong.
When you’ve gained a little weight
I cannot stress this enough to anybody: unless somebody asks you to give them tips on how to lose weight, do not give those tips. Never, ever give unsolicited feedback on somebody’s body. Ten times out of ten, it won’t go how you’d hoped. This lesson is especially important for men, who may hear their partners complain that they’ve put on a little weight. Maybe you’re trying to get into your skinny jeans and yell, “Damn, I can’t close these!” This is no time for your partner to say, “Well, have you been keeping up with your spin classes?” Or “You’ve been hitting the ice cream hard.” You know why the weight gain happened. You understand the basics of exercise and calories and so on. You were not asking him to be your nutritionist.
When you have an issue with a neighbor
A neighbor and you have a problem. Maybe one neighbor does jumping jacks in her living room, above your head, every morning at 7 am, waking you up. Your preferred wake-up time is 8 am, and you could use the extra hour of sleep. Your partner isn’t bothered because he naturally gets up at 6 am. So, when you’re cranky, and vent about how rude that neighbor is, your partner goes upstairs and says something. Oh…no. This was not his battle. And you definitely would have preferred to have handled this, woman to woman, in your own way. Now your partner made you look like someone who can’t fight her own battles. All you wanted was for him to agree that that neighbor is a moron.
